When I moved into my dorm in my first year of university,
I was really excited to meet my new roommate. I had all those illusions about us being best friends and having inside jokes and blah blah blah.

I show up, and she's already unpacking. We introduce ourselves, and then she stays silent while she finishes putting her stuff away. When she finishes, she leaves without saying a word. She didn't come back until after I went to bed (which wasn't until 3 am).

We're not best friends, or even friends. She's flaky and irritating. But we manage to tolerate each other, and we've made the agreement that if one person needs the room so they can have sex, the other person will leave and come back later. I've made it clear that I don't care if it's late - just tell me, and I'll leave.

So my roommate, who I'll call Rachel, has this boyfriend. Josh. He's a real winner. He's a wannabe gangster who dropped out of high school, and he once went to jail for trying to kill his stepfather. Awesome. He's also surprisingly pussy-whipped, ready to drive an hour and a half between where he lives and our school if my roommate so much as eats a bad meal.

Rachel's parents don't know that they're dating. Actually, at one point during the year, they find out about the relationship, and BOTH parents drive out to our school in the middle of the week to yell at Rachel to dump the guy. She lies and tells them that she broke up with him.

Somewhere around the start of second term, Rachel puts up a curtain around her bed.

Me: "Uh... What's with the curtain?"

Rachel: "Oh, don't worry, it's just because when Josh is over, and we're making out, it's a little awkward if you're just sitting there, so it's just so you don't have to look at us and we feel like we have a little bit of privacy."

Me: "Okay... But if it's anything BEYOND making out, PLEASE ask me to leave first."

Rachel: "Oh, don't worry, we will."

I think you know where this is going.

Josh is over, and sure enough, the curtain is pulled around the bed. I'd asked them SEVERAL times if they wanted me to find another place to sleep that night, but they'd assured me they were just going to watch movies and then fall asleep.

So, imagine my delight when I wake up around 4 am to them fucking. Five feet away from me.

Of course, to give them some credit, they HAD pulled the curtain around the bed, which makes it soundproof, and it also makes me retarded.

I lie there, in shock, just praying for it to end. Finally, it does. But then it starts again. Rachel's a moaner. I get up and dash down the hallway to my best friend's room.

Best friend opens her door, looking very sleepy.

Me: My roommate keeps fucking her boyfriend and they won't stop.

Best friend: ...Come in.

By morning, I'm more pissed off than terrified. So I start telling people. I tell EVERYONE. I write on my blog about it. Then I finally go back to my room, where Rachel and Josh are, thankfully, fully dressed and watching another movie.

Me: Hey, guys.

Idiots: Hey.

Me: So... you know what would be SUPER?

Idiots: What?

Me: If you'd show some respect and wait until I'm out of the room before you start fucking each other.

Idiots: [deers in headlights]

Rachel's best friend hears about what happens. Rachel's best friend is very religious, and up until this point, thought that Rachel was a virgin. Snerk.

When Rachel finds out that I've told everyone, she is FURIOUS. She comes storming into my room, making a big fuss about it.

This was my favourite part:

Rachel: Why couldn't you keep that kind of thing private?!

Me: ...YOU'RE lecturing ME about privacy?

I then inform her that if she pisses me off at any point for the remainder of the school year, I will call her parents under the guise of "being concerned for her welfare," and tell them that she's still dating Gangster Josh.

No, not my proudest moment, but I was nineteen and angry. And she was really nice to me for the next three months. She bought me candy.

Gangster Josh found out that a guy in our building made a joke about Rachel being a skank, and tried to stab him. Josh got banned from campus, though unfortunately the other guy didn't press charges. No matter how much I told him to... Drat.

Since we stopped being roommates, anytime Rachel and I see each other, we pretend that we don't know each other. I hope her science degree has finally taught her that curtain fabric is not remotely soundproof.

Sorry about the length, but I had to sit through MUCH more of it than you do.
(Katanma sleep enthusiast, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:31, closed)