Micturation compensation
I was bladdered in the quiet town of Ludlow, Shropshire, one frosty night, and whilst staggering back from The Church (The pub next door to God's gaff), I decided that I needed to release some of the 8 or so pints I'd put away. I looked around, no sign of anyone around me, hook the old fella out and let rip against a wall. Mid flow, I hear a voice say, "excuse me sir", and turn around. A bloody panda has sneaked up on me like a ninja (I swear they must have killed the engine up the road and coasted up to me in silence), and two coppers have got out and are staring at me like I've just taken a shit on Princess Diana's grave. £80 fine, and a hilarious half an hour in an interview room where I was supposed to be sobering up, but kept wandering into the control room to find some water.

Fast forward 6 months, it's summertime, and I'm back down in Brighton, out with a couple of my Czech friends on a sunny day. We stroll past the Police station HQ in Kemptown, an office block about 8 stories high with tinted windows all over. In the middle of the rather empty car park was a skip, full of stuff and a desk on top. My friends wanted the desk, and only lived on the next street, so we went to pull it off and lug it home. As we got closer, we smelt the familiar scent of weed, and our interest was piqued. We lifted off the desk, and underneath there were a load of bin bags with old evidence, hoodies, shoes and the like. Under the bags were a bunch of busted up hydroponics lights and other gear. Obviously the cast off evidence from a big bust. I dug my hand into a giant brown envelope, and still sitting in a flattened netting drying rack thing were a few good handfuls of weed, a little soggy from the rain. Mindful of the fact that we were standing in the middle of a car park, with 8 stories of obsidian authority staring down at us, we pocketed the goods and made a speedy exit stage left. Given a few days to dry out, the weight came to 2 1/2 ounces. I took one Oz. for myself, which I smoke until I became retarded, then sold the remainder and bought a new soundcard with the proceeds.

Thank you, British justice system.
(mofoitk Vulcanising the whoopie stick in the ham wallet, Wed 16 Feb 2011, 6:07, 4 replies)

MASSIVE ... oh I can't even be arsed any more.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 16 Feb 2011, 8:39, closed)

I would almost believe this (despite the blatant contravention of rules relating to disposing of evidence)
If it weren't for the first bit.

You can't get out of interview rooms easily, nor can you get into the control room. The control room is often not even in the station, but at a remote, centralised location.

The easy bit was a lie, so therefore the second, harder to believe part, must also be a lie.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 16 Feb 2011, 11:22, closed)

I DON'T BELIEVE IT EITHER
There's no way coppers would dump gange in a skip.

The cunts would have smoked it themselves or sold it on for a tidy bonus.
(mersault, Wed 16 Feb 2011, 12:32, closed)

Ninja Panda
I had a nice mental image going before I realized it was a rozzermobile :(
(weaselinajetengine, Wed 16 Feb 2011, 14:40, closed)