» Pubs

so many drunken blurred highlights over the years including:
Some chav being given a handjob by his more than likely underage mrs behind a plastic palm tree.

Betting a mate he couldn't drink 2 pints of fosters via a straw up each nostril, he did and promptly passed out.

Same mate taking this girl out on their first date, puking all over her shoes and then getting kicked out by the bouncers only to strip off and piss in a flowerbed by the pub, he got nicked for that one, they were together for 2 years despite this though...

New game of "Viking darts" created whereby all three darts are thrown at once and with full force, cue broken window and getting barred.

And seeing this little old dude walk up to a group of women and casually unzip his flies to dunk his bollocks in one girl's pint to the utter horror of the rest of the pub

The joys of going out drinking in former coal mining slums... Will post more if I can remember/be arsed.
(Sun 8th Feb 2009, 13:34, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Not me
but my mate, whom we shall call Martin, for tis his name...

We all went out drinking after work one night, ended up in Burger King, then back to the pub, and finished up with a kebab. Yes we were fat bastards, but it felt soooo right at the time!

Anyway, all of this wanton bingeing took its toll on Martin's guts the next day at work, he arrived looking a very strange shade of green, think of those trebor softmints and you're on the right lines.

So, he manages to grimace through an hour of team meeting and then leaves the room for about 30 minutes, re-emerges looking slightly greener (probably green tic tac at this stage) and wafts of putrid odour following him into the room. If you have ever heard the song "Chemical Warfare" by Slayer then Martin's arse was singing a fine tribute.

Several people started retching after his post-nuclear rectal fall-out so the boss woman got the short straw to take him home. In her brand new Jag.

Martin, obviously in quite a state, didnt realise he had small flecks of necrotised shite all down the back of his legs, the smell of his carrion based bowel linings must have seeped in to her plush new leather seats as she kept complaining that the aircon stunk for weeks...
(Fri 28th Mar 2008, 19:57, More)

» Have you ever started a fire?

Smoke charge/Kitchen Mayhem
Had to de-lurk for this one!

About 7 years ago my bestest bud and I went on a general firebug/random vandalism spree. The story in question went like this. Said mate and I depart to garden centre to buy a certain Nitrate Fertiliser, which when mixed with melted sugar and then lit produces splendid plumes of thick white smoke. We had already successfully made several batches of this delight in our arms laboratory (which by day was his mum's kitchen)

Anyway, on the day in question yours truly hatched an ingenious plan to speed up production. We would pour the Nitrate straight into the pan and remove from the heat and allow to set.

The first panfull of this concoction went brilliantly so we decided to use the remainder of the nitrates all in one go. We thought we had cleaned the pan pretty thoroughly from the first batch. We hadn't.

We poured in some sugar and let it melt and then proceeded to pour the remaining nitrates into the pan. Small bits of residue from the first batch ignited the whole panfull which then sparked over igniting the first batch which was cooling nearby.

Cue 6 foot purple and white flames and a kitchen filled with smoke with two frenzied panicking teens - the scene was utter carnage - quickly thinking I raced the pan outside and let it burn out - I didnt notice the lumps of caramelised sugar burning through my hand due to the sheer adrenaline - the kitchen was blackened, although luckily it turned out to be mainly soot from all the smoke, only a few small welts were left in the new lino floor.

His mum came home and asked why the lino had melted, he explained that I had made a 'hot baked potato' which had 'exploded' hence me dropping the tray causing my burns and the melted lino - sheer lying genius!

7 years later I still have no hairs on my right hand and a few scars. Oops.
(Thu 4th Mar 2004, 15:17, More)

» Road Rage

So many but this one stands out...
In my younger days I decided foolishly to buy a BMW sports coupe (still paying it off!) which I then drove around like an utter UTTER cnut, I can be antagonistic and I have a volcanic temper (viking genes) hence I got into more scrapes than I really should have, but thats another story for another day...

My claim to infamy was to race/chop up/then generally abuse our town mayor in his shitty MG ZT estate old mans car after he cut me up at a junction coming out of our road.

I know what Im capable of so now I drive a 10yr old diesel toyota, MUCH less aggro, and kinder to my wallet, although I still dont like politicians!
(Sun 15th Oct 2006, 13:41, More)

» People with Stupid Names

Daft Names
So many!

Throughout the course of my work as a civil servant I encountered such names as.

Locutus Locutus,
Mr Nottingham-Forest,
Kevin Keegan,
Royal Talbot, (deedpolled after his local!)
Dean Dean, (cruel parents!)
Mr MMM Spider, (Magical Mystical Magic - I kid you not)
Duane Pipe,
Lucifer Lambert,
Hayley Bailey,
Lucretia Raven-Flame,
amongst others.

Also used to deal with maternity grants, some sick chavmother called her kids...

Fox Leon Cobain,
Star Elliott,
Harley Atlanta,
and not forgetting their older sister Kimberley!

Another charver was obviously a subscriber to (or regular shoplifter of) Max Power or other lowbrow car-ruining pamphlet and his kids were called,

Gere,
Gauge,
Blue,
and Buick

Oh dear!
(Fri 27th Aug 2004, 8:19, More)