Is it a bird?...Is it a plane?...

(Fri 31st Oct 2003, 16:02, More)

Wee!

Click for joy
[Edit: Praise be to the Donkey of Magic, for he is good. Take me to the light]
(Thu 26th Jun 2003, 17:47, More)

Bad guy turned...well, just turned [repost]

Click for joy

Soz about the quick repost of this, but it is a bad guy quite literally turning good. Sorta
(Sat 21st Jun 2003, 19:48, More)

» School fights

I'm not a violent person
Really, I'm not. I don't think I've ever hit anyone or deliberately broken anything in my entire life.

Except this one time when I was 13. One of the big 5th year bullies did something terrible to me that raised my moral indignation to an unprecedented level; he didn't hold the door open for me.

In fact, he did quite the opposite. He made eye contact with me, and there was a premeditated glint in there. He shut the door on me just as I was passing through. Then I thought he chuckled.

It was a fairly innocuous misdemeanour, especially as my shoe took the full force of the feeble blow, and I was in now way injured. However, I was enraged at the rudeness, the like of which I had never encountered before.

So I picked him up and threw him through the very same door with which he had so successfully managed to raise my hackles.

I was a normal sized 13 year old kid, and he was huge, hairy and two year my senior. I was as proud as a child could be at my derring feat of strength and bravery.

But then I looked at his unconscious body a little closer. In a tangled mess of blood and glass I could just about make out one of his lower-arm bones protruding through his flesh. He had glass in his face and a mouthful of blood. His right knee was bent to an extremely unnatural angle. There was a gash to the rear of his head, the crimson contents of which was gushing out onto the lino. And he wasn't moving, or even breathing, so far as I could make out.

To cut a long story short, he had more injuries than a usual road traffic victim could expect if involved in a collision at 30mph. I was told that he 'must have fallen at a very awkward angle'. He spent three weeks in hospital, and had his arm in plaster for what seemes like months. And he had, in total, 60 stitches to patch up the holes I had made in him, and, to me, it seemed that he never really walked properly again.

And the irony in all this? He wasn't a bully at all. In fact, he was a corridor monitor who was trying to tell me that the door was brokn and that he was attempting to lock it before fetching the caretaker to fix the hinge.

So, whatever your name was, if you're out there and reading this, sorry for fucking up your arm when all you were trying to be was a Good Samaritan.
(Fri 10th Mar 2006, 16:46, More)

» Sacked

Never been sacked
But I did get a written warning for burping and farting too much.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 20:47, More)

» Stupid Tourists

"I can't believe you ruined the ending..."
Some time in 1997 I was dragged to see "Titanic" at the local flicks. For the purpose of this story I'm going to assume that the clutch of Americans queuing outside the cinema were tourists.

As my wife and I were leaving (after three fecking hours of my life I'll never see again) she happened to say to me, "It was so sad when the Titanic sank. I cried for ages."

Overhearing, one of our trans-Atlantic cousins indignatly hollered: "I can't believe you ruined the ending for us! Goddamn English have no respect!"

I could have left it there, letting her mind stew in its own filth. But instead I retorted, in my usual, polite, restrained manner: "IT WAS THE FECKING TITANIC! WHAT THE FECK DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?"

The response? "Well, you could have at least let it come as a surprise to us."

I held my breath for the rest of the walk home, afraid that I might breath in some of her strange, expelled USA air. It could be catching, you know.

Sheesh, dude. That's, like, the stupidest thing I ever heard. Jeez.
(Wed 13th Jul 2005, 20:20, More)

» Pure Ignorance

How big?
Overheard at the office, when Girl A was comforting Girl B, who feels that she is being victimised, bullied and generally crapped on by the Office Manager:

Girl A: "What's up, Girl B? Why are you crying?"

Girl B: "It's that bitch, going on at me again. I'm being left out of all the important meetings. I feel ostracized!"

Girl A: "Oh, you're not that big!"


N.B. True story. I admit that I allowed myself a little chortle, but then I realised that these people run our country.
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 19:05, More)

» Pathological Liars

Car bloke
I used to work with a guy who lied about everything, but especially cars. He used to 'own' just about every car you would care to mention, but my favourite story is this one:

About seven our eight years ago I was thinking about what car I should buy. I like my cars, so was thinking of a sporting classic. On the shortlist was: Lancia Delta Integrale, Mitsubishi Lancer Evo 5, Honda Integra Type R and Lotus Exige.

Much to my shock and bemusement, it turns out that he'd already owned (and subsequently sold-on) the first three cars on my list. He said they were all 'ok, but a bit shit'.

But as luck would have it, he'd literally just paid for a brand new Exige, and he was going to the local Lotus dealer to collect the following weekend.

I humoured him and urged him to bring it in on the Monday to help inform my decision. Come Monday morning I sought him out only to hear that he had picked the car up on the Saturday, and all seemed fine. He loved it, and drove it all day. He drove it to France and back.

Unfortunately, on the Sunday the front right wheel fell off. So he took it back to the dealer and demanded his money back. The Lotus dealer, being a kind and generous chap, refunded his money in full, and even gave him a complementary track day voucher for a blast round Silverstone in a Elise 111S.

And the best piece of news was that, despite having previously owned four exotic, fun, quick and highly desirable cars, he had the foresight to keep his old Nissan Micra - the very same Nissan Micra that he'd driven to work every day that I'd known him, no less. (I assume he didn't want to expose his other car(s) to the elements, rare and exotic as they are.)

Last I heard of him he was driving an Audi TT (with a silent 'wa'). In fact, he did actually own a TT. I saw him in it. But when I spoke to him, he told me he was just about to sell it for a Ferrari 360.
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 15:55, More)