» Have you ever paid for sex?

Well...
Can't say I've ever paid for sex, in any way. But I've got worms. Little uninvited arse-dwelling parasitical bastards.


Not related to the question, I just wanted to share.
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 23:27, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

Hang on...
How does one skive off from working on b3ta? Does rob skive off work by washing windows, driving a taxi or sitting in an office or something like that?
(Sat 30th Apr 2005, 18:52, More)

» The Police

Silly prank
The one story I have involving the police is an interesting one. At least, it is to me, and I want to tell it, so sod you if you don't find it interesting!

At about 2am on Thursday the 19th of May this year, some friends and I snuck into school to play various pranks, because it was coming up to our last day. We were originally going to do it the next day, but felt the need to do it that night because we knew that some other friends were doing a prank that night, and we didn't want to be outdone.

So we snuck in, the Mission Impossible theme tune running through our heads (or maybe just through mine) as we ran along the playing fields. Their mission, should they choose to accept it... fill in as many locks as possible with PolyFilla. My mission - stick post-it notes on as many windows as possible. The post-its had things like smiley faces :-) and musical notes on them. Silly things. Also, some toilet paper was strewn about and some Brylcreem was spread on a seat.

By 3am we had finished, and started to drive away from school. But remember that some other friends had planned a prank that night? They'd executed it just before we had, and had been seen by a member of the public. The police were called. Who saw us pulling away...

The blue flashing lights pulled us over, and after some brief questioning (in which my mate almost shat himself), we were arrested on suspicion of criminal damage and burglary.

Now, for some reason, I was the only one out of four lads who thought "Hmmm... in trouble with the law... legal representation might be a good idea" so I, and I alone, asked to see the duty solicitor. And she told me to say "no comment" to everything they asked me. Which I did.

"Do you know anything about these post-it notes?" "No comment." "These locks are filled in, did you do it?" "No comment". "Is this shaving foam on the bench"... you get the idea. But then came the question I'd been looking forward to the most....

"Do you recognise this room? The cleaner went in it this morning. Do you know what she found?"

"No comment"

"Twenty two chickens. Did you have anything to do with that?"

*Barely suppressing laughter* "No, but I wish I had."

Apparantly all four of us had the exact same response. For you see, the police had been called by a member of the public who had seen our mates carrying boxes of chickens up to one of the rooms. Twenty two of the buggers. The police were desperately hoping we could tell them where the chickens were from so they could return them, but alas, we knew nothing.

Funnily enough, lunch the next day... anyway...

The "no comment" stuff paid off. While all the others got cautions and criminal records, I got let off entirely after a month. It still took me another month to get my clothes back though. For the record - spending a night in the cells in blue police clothing is not something I want to do again.

Flash forward several months later. It's a week before Reading Festival, and my mate has given me her tent because I'm going up a day early, so I can pitch hers. Unfortunately, she gave it to me while I was a little bit wasted, and somewhere between hers and home I managed to lose it.

Given that it was a brand new tent I really wanted to find it for her. Someone suggested trying the local police station, and I thought "Can't do any harm".

So I wait in the police station while someone hands in a phone they've found. And as I approach the window...

Officer: "Hello... hang on, don't I know you from somewhere?"

Me: "Err.... yes..."

"It was that night, wasn't it, by the school!"

"Yup, that's it! Criminal damage and burglary."

"I remember that mate. Oh, and over there (points over his shoulder) is the arresting officer!"

So, having given the officer details about the tent, I then had a nice conversation with the lady who arrested me about how I'd done in my A2 levels, and how I was meant to be camping but had lost my tent.

It was rather surreal.

*Some witty comment about length*
(Sun 25th Sep 2005, 2:23, More)

» Black Sheep

Click
My brother is really the black sheep of society, not just my family. He drives an ice-cream van and plays the music when he's run out of ice cream, he wears headphones and wanks and we leave him cups of tea, and is constantly demanding for us to molest him and tell him where teh uplaod cod3z are.
(Sun 16th Jan 2005, 18:41, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

Oh dear god
I can't believe I'm about to write this... oh well, enjoy people!

I used to be a bit of a violent fucker, prone to getting into scraps at school. One of these was with a mate in the changing rooms. It wasn't anything spectacular (hey, we were like 14), but because he was much bigger than me he ended up sitting on my chest to calm me down.

At least, he thought he was sitting on my chest.

Imagine my situation - I'm on the floor, bent into all sorts of awkward positions, with some cunts leg in my face. I can't breathe, because his leg is taking up my mouth and nostrils. I did what anyone in that position would do to get him off me.

I bit him.

Really really hard.

Only it turned out he wasn't sitting on my chest, he was sitting on my face, and it wasn't his leg in my mouth, it was his arse-cheek.

He couldn't sit down for a while, and his girlfriend tells me that even now, years later, he still has a scar.

Poor fucker has a scar on his arse that all his girlfriends will see from now on, and he has to explain that another guy bit him there.
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 11:10, More)