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Profile for Doogie Talons:
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Regular reader of b3ta, occasional poster.

Recent front page messages:


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Best answers to questions:

» Schadenfreude

Motorcyclist laughs...
Driving along a road in Lincolnshire a motorcyclist roared past me on double white lines on a blind bend and flipped me the finger !! probably because it was a Sunday I had two kids in the CRV and I was doing the speedlimit of 60.

I thought I hope he fucking crashes. Well he didn't on that bend but two miles late there he was sitting at the side of the road, his bike in a hedge whilst a pretty badly scrached car's driver was next to him on his mobile phone.

I still to this day don't know why he flipped me the bird but I had a massive fucking grin on my face when I flipped him one back... as I slowly drove past the cunt.
(Thu 17th Dec 2009, 13:53, More)

» Food sabotage

Some comedian or other suggested it.
I cooked a vegatarian couple a lasagne with real mince in it, they said it was the best they had tasted and asked how I made it taste so meaty.

Now I know I shouldn't have but I simply said, "with meat" I was drunk by then and thought they'd see the funny side. Jane spewed up there and then like I'd flicked a fucking spew switch.

Mark, a closet meat eater expressed his faux concern and berated me though I though he was gonna crack up laughing any minute.

Mark still talks to me but Jane blanks me everytime we all get together. So it was a good result because I never liked the fucker anyway, hemp wearing fucking hippy.

Which always makes me wonder to what lengths us blokes will go for a regular shag because Mark lies his fucking arse off to her and talks the same shite she does in her presence, but happily sits with us in KFC before a movie either like she never existed or the chickens are quorn... strange.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 9:41, More)

» Customers from Hell

Customers are often wrong.
I have worked at PC World, Wickes, Small Shops, Car Dealerships, Pubs, Clubs, my own market stall, my own shop, my own web business and now i'm a Director of a marketing company.

I could repeat many stories on here but I just want to thow my hat in the ring.

Customers are the witless cunts who pay my mortgage, they pay for my car, my clothes and my childrens clothes, they've paid for my TV my computer and my lovely sofa.

Thanks... but you are all cunts, if it wasn't for my insatiable greed I would try and do a job where I didn't have to interface with the general public. But whilst you still insist on living in a society built on commerce I will do my best to rape your income from under your nose and spend it myself as a cunty customer with someone else.

Cheers all.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 11:03, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

Bloody bastard fucking wasp cunt.
Well the title explains it all. I was travelling from Lincoln to Nottingham. A regular commute always ends up with you meeting new friends. The one day I get talking to this hottie from Newark I kicked her like a mule straight in the shin.

A wasp had crawled up my trouser leg, I hate spiders... so first thought is SPIDER up my leg so I used my other foot to crush it.

I did this too soft and the wasp stung me. I kicked so hard the girl I was talking too started crying with pain. I then whilst telling her I'm sorry and using one leg to kill the wasp had the little bastard stung me 4 more times before it fucking died.

She never sat near me again, despite seeing the dead proof on the floor of the train. It didn't end up a funny story of how we met, just a sad tale of how I kicked the hell out of a friendly stranger just passing her time with chit chat on the way to the daily grind.

I had to spend the rest of the journey feeling like someone had a lit lighter burning my flesh all the way to work.. not to mention the rest of the day with this throbbing pain and itchy red soreness... buggering fuck.
(Wed 13th Sep 2006, 13:19, More)

» Letters they'll never read

Hey bitch...
Texting the cunt you met at your office party 600 fucking times in two weeks, promising to meet him when he gets back off holiday and declaring your undying love for him whilst hinting that you would like one day to have your third child by him when our youngest is barely 6 months old.

IS FUCKING CHEATING

So that's why I left before you got chance to consumate your affair, and good riddance too. I'd rather be a part time father than a full time doorstep so fuck off.

But I'm not bitter.
(Fri 5th Mar 2010, 9:41, More)
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