» Accidentally Erotic

A pain in the neck
I had a muscle spasm in my neck which left me in a great deal of pain - I could hardly move and when I did would get horrific bowell jarring spasms of intense pain.
So Mrs Porky loaded me into the car and took me into the countryside to see a chiropractor and ayervedic healer.A woman. A strangely alluring woman.With "healing" hands.
Anyway she got me to strip down to my grundies and proceeded to "manipulate" my neck, head, shoulders and spine.This had the alarming effect of losening these areas of my body and making others er....hard.
Anyway to cut a long story short she mentioned that she thought my breathing was a little laboured and then proceeded to listen to my heart with her stethoscope after which, she pronounced that she was worried about my ticker and possible blood pressure.
She then wrote to my doctor who called me in for a once-over with the comment " bit tasty then was she?"
(Fri 3rd Feb 2006, 13:59, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

THE WORLD'S GONE MAD
Acting, as I sometimes do in my middle management role , as head of HR I had to speak to Job Centre Plus to arrange a posting of an employment opportunity on their database.
I carefully wrote a job description along the lines of " energetic,hard working person (NOT man - that would've been sexist)required to tote that barge, lift that bale etc in a hellhole warehouse in central London"
The, what seemed like, fifteen year old "adviser" at the Job centre demured, stating that "you can't put "hard working" as that would discriminate against "people who didn't have the same work ethic as others".
I.Kid.You.Not.
I wouldn't mind but the "candidates" that they put forward for the position would have disgraced Maccy D.
(Fri 23rd Nov 2007, 8:30, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Best Ever Graffitti
On the wall of a foul smelling bog in Kings Cross station was the epithet,
"I'm 9 inches long and 4" round"
Somebody had added with hilarious results,
"are you a ferret?"
Pure class.
(Wed 9th May 2007, 13:04, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Old lady taken out by Joe Death
Many many moons ago when I was wasting my life as an accounts assistant for London Transport, I was based out of offices overlooking Marylebone and Edgware road.
One day after a particularly "gruelling" trip to the typing pool I was climbing the stairs back up to my lair and idly looking out the window.
There was on a traffic island in the middle of the road an elderly couple, they calmly waited for the traffic to stop at the lights and began the first step on a journey that was to take them much much further than they had bargained for.
They didn't realise that there was a filter for approaching turning traffic and stepped right out into the path of an oncoming car.
The old lady was flipped what seems like 20 feet into the air before landing in a heap at the feet of her husband, a hush seemed to fill the area as from out from under her a pool of blood spread - imagine you knocked a 5l paint can over and imagine the pool -.
The guy driving jumped from his seat and clutched his chest and was later reported in the local paper as having died of a heart attack.
Truly horrible.
(Fri 22nd Jun 2007, 12:52, More)

» Mistaken Identity

The sad march of time
When I was (much) younger t'was reckoned I was a low-rent David Sylvian , but now alas and alack it seems it's a low-rent Timothy Spall.
I think I may have inherited this from my Dad who before my very eyes transmuted from a young Roger Moore into an old Roy Kinnear.

Years, don'cha just love 'em?
(Tue 5th Jun 2007, 17:11, More)