» My computer gave away my secrets

it was about 10 or so years ago
in the days when the internet wasn't nearly as widespread as it is today, in fact only my father (who considered himself a techie but really wasn't) and I (via snooping around on the family PC) knew that we had a connection naturally i worked out how to get it working and went away to have a look at my first load of porn. Not a clue about browser history and cache etc. So i had my jollies looking at some pictures of both sexes (for i was curious about my sexuality even then) disconnected and went about my normal business. This carried on for a few months with me being careful to avoid getting physically caught in the act. One day however, my dad comes into my room, closes the door and says "i see you've found out about the internet then... did you know there's a file that stores every page you go to? I know what you've been looking at... smut." (the word smut is the only word i remember him actually saying but it was along those lines.) He was surprisingly relaxed about it all and just told me not to do it again.

However he sitll thought that mentioning to my mother that i had been looking at gay porn was a good idea, cue an embarrasing conversation weeks/months later about relationships between my mum my brother and i, in which she made sure to mention both boys and girls in the context of relationships to come, looking me in the eye as she did so. I've still not told her i'm gay, it really freaked me out.

anyway story #2:

my dad ocasionally asked to use the PC my brother and I shared, no problem, he'd shut the door and told us not to come in. fine. I suspected nothing. Until one day, this happened and my dad came to me and asked me "if you delete something from the recent documents bit in the win95 start menu if it was gone from the HD" I, in a moment of stupidity told him it was.

to cut the story short, i later found out why he wanted to use our PC and the file he had created. He was using our PC because it had a microphone which he used to record dirty .wav files to send to the various women he was having affairs with. I listened to the start of one of them the words "i want to come in there with my pants around my ankles" was all i heard before i closed the file and ran to the toilet to be physically sick. He never asked again.

About 6-12 months later he sat my brother and I down to tell us that he was going to go and live in a remote part of scotland with someone else.... i still love you, it's not your fault blah blah blah, I want you to come visit blah blah blah, things haven't been right with your mother and I for ages... I've met someone else but (looking at me) i think you knew that already. I felt sick again.

My mother told me a few years later, whilst giving me a bollocking for being caught smoking pot (again) and me telling her it was because i was unhappy cos i missed my dad - which incidentaly, was a complete lie, i hated him from the day i found that file, it was more to do with being a dumbass emo-teenager and having trouble coming to terms with my sexuality - that she knew he had been having afairs since before i was born and they had only stayed together for so long for me and my brother.

i make no appologies for my length. Read it, don't read it, i don't care.
(Sat 11th Feb 2006, 1:05, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

i've got a few
"its quite nice, like semen, and you wonder: how did it get all over my dog" - don't remember the context, think it was in the common room at school.

some kid (about 6-8 yrs old) on the bus asked their mom - "when I'm 10 can i have a pickled egg?"

"if anyone beats me in the spanish exam, i'll eat my pubes..... on a pizza of course, I woudn't have it any other way" also heard on a bus.

probably got some more, but can't think right now.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 1:18, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

i had at least 2 very weird teachers (and several others who were quite odd but don't quite qualify)
a sex obsessed Biology teacher:

i'm convinced he took up the subject just to study the sex lives of various critters, although he had a particular fascination with the sex lives of plants. Just the look of glee in his eye when he talked about anything sexual was enough to convince anyone he was slightly perverted. He would also throw in as many inuendos into lessons as he could manage. He often wore lycra trousers to teach lessons through which you could see his genitalia. The most memorable ocasion however was one lesson during my A-level course when we were studying DNA replication. He demonstrated how DNA splits in two by jumping up on the front desk and unzipping his fly several times just so if we hadn't caught a glimpse of his underwear the first time we'd all know by the tenth time that he was wearing Y-fronts. He repeated this trick several times throughout the year whenever DNA was mentioned.

#2: the muli-millionarie classics teacher

He's at least 50, quite obese and rode a motorcycle (thankfully noone i know of saw him in his leathers). He still lives with his mother, made an absolute fortune on the stock market and yet still continues to teach for fun and he would sometimes sleep in his office. He also kept an alarming amount of books about greek and roman pornography in his classroom. He hung his keys on a small statue of a man with a ridiculously elongated erection. He had another clockwork statue that would fornicate if wound up, not to mention the two sheep he kept on top the board in varing sexual positions.
If anyone asked to go to the toilet in his lessons he'd offer them a "mr squeezy" ie. a rubber band to put around their dick. If i had my yearbook here i could give you some of his less sexual quotes (the pure filthy ones weren't allowed to be published). One which i remember went along the lines of "a woman is like a motorcycle boys, you have to give her a good kick to get her started."

Oh, and also a mention to the head of geography who used to hire his geography technicians on the basis of how female and attractive they were. Well that was until one of them achieved school-wide fame via an internet porn site and shagged half of the sixth form.
(Sun 13th Nov 2005, 20:57, More)

» Premonitions

none that have come
true.

i just wanted to be first
(Thu 18th Nov 2004, 20:03, More)

» My Worst Vomit

In Primary school
we had tuna pie for lunch. I hate tuna pie, in fact just tuna makes me feel ill add in the school-dinner rankness factor and there's no chance i'm eating that pie. However we used to have some teachery type person sitting on each table to make sure we behaved ourselves. Of course she was telling me rather forcefully to "eat your pie". I warned her of how much i dislike tuna, told her it tasted like shit, that kind of thing, even still she insisted I ate it.

So being only about 5 or 6, i had no choice... Well i had the last laugh as I vommited all over her about 5 minutes after eating as much of that putrid shit as i could manage. I got put on the "special meals" sheet as "no tuna" after that.
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 13:11, More)