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I make Chamber Folk!

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» Schadenfreude

After way too many bongs...
My mate decided to put the sliding patio doors about 3 feet apart, stuck the sofa across the bottom and claimed he could jump over the sofa, between the glass doors and land safely in the garden.

He cleared the sofa, neatly passing untouched between the glass doors but sadly failing to pass under the wall above the opening, striking it face on. The momentum of the jump ensured that he continued forward but now with imparted backward spin. His now unconscious body did a complete 360 and face planted on the lawn (lucky not concrete!)

At A&E none of us could explain to the nurse how it happened because of hysterical dope-fuelled giggles whenever we started to describe it. Indeed one of us actually split his jeans with laughter. The victim lay unconscious on the trolley, we lay on the ground howling.

S
(Thu 17th Dec 2009, 12:29, More)

» Schadenfreude

Related and unrelated
To my other post, unrelated as in different event, related as in the girl in question (my ex) was the sister of the victim of that other post. You keepin up? Anyways...

On the Underground we were just about to miss the train, but managed to jump between the doors as they closed. Sadly, her large leather shoulder bag was not so lucky. We were left standing inside the train with her holding the straps while the bag stuck out the side.

Down the tunnel goes the train, BANG! BANG! BANG! goes the bag against the side of the tunnel causing embarrassment to her and consternation to the rest of the carriage, but eventually the train gets to the next station and, of course, the doors on the other side open. So she is still stuck there. Train pulls off and BANG! BANG! BANG! goes the bag.

Next station, STILL the wrong side, but this time a friendly commuter went and got the guard so he could open the doors on the other side of the train... BUT God hadn't finished with humiliating her, Underground Rule:1034 subsection b: You cannot open the offside door with anyone on the train. So, yup, the guard had to clear the entire train. Peak time, lots of very unhappy people, ever MORE embarrassed ex.

BUT, God had still not finished the humiliation, the doors opened, the bag was retried, would the doors shut again? No sirree bob. Train was taken out of service, platform filled to bursting, ex red as a tomato, me giggling like a loon

S
(Thu 17th Dec 2009, 12:44, More)

» Tactless

My ex's cousin had surgery to remove part of her bowel
An insane surgeon persuaded her that the best way to combat an very bad eating disorder was to staple her stomach, fucking butcher. It went wrong and part of her intestine/stomach was starved of blood and basically died inside her and it had to be removed before it killed her. I went to see her at hospital post op. I got back from the hospital and my ex said, pale with worry, "How is she? how's she feeling?"

"Gutted" I said.

There was silence as my body heaved with suppressed mirth
(Fri 4th Nov 2011, 8:16, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

I'm a geek and specialise in Lotus Domino... A Domino consultant
So... I was sitting at a bar in New York, drunk on beer and whisky chasers and the cute lady behind the bar asks me. "So whadda you do Simon?"

"I'm a Domino Consultant" say I, with the complete sincerity that comes with speaking the truth.

"What, like the game?" she replies, unable to hear the capital D through my rich English tones.

"Yep!" I lie, seizing the moment.

"No really, they have consultants on dominos?" she asks, amazed.

"Not just dominos sweetheard, all pub games, but my speciality is dominos. I travel the world studying the various rules and sell my knowledge in the form of consultancy to all the major games making companies"

"Naaaah, your shittin' me she says" with that little bit of uncertainty that tells em I have already almost won.

So out comes the trump card, I pull out my business card with "Domino Consultant" on it.

"Wow Gee!" she exclaims... "Hey George, this guy over here travels the world studying pub games!"

I end up at a table with 10 yanks all asking me about strange wierd pub games, on which subject I hold forth for the rest of the evening cos us Brits have many strange and wierd pub games to talk about.

S
(Fri 14th Jan 2011, 5:49, More)

» Weird Rituals

Tea bags come in pairs, joined together
I live with my partner, just the two of us. So each round of tea uses a nice neat pair of teabags. But sometimes, if one of us has a cup of tea alone there is always a spare single teabag. You still need to split a pair, but one has to go back.

I hate this, it's un-neat, but thought it was too weird to admit.

One day I told her it bugged me, and she laughed it off nicely. Next day I came home and she had split all the teabags into singles cos it bugged her a little bit too, and now everything is just rosy!

That's love that is. OCD love.
(Fri 16th Dec 2011, 12:50, More)
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