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Make computer games when I'm not looking at B3ta, which is too often

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» Shops and Supermarkets

Awkward Christmas mornings
When I was a student I had a weekend and holiday job at a popular chain of catalogue-based retailers. There were many low points to the job, but the lowest of all was the horrendous Christmas period. It was insanely busy beforehand, with queues out the door and an endless stream of parents who got very unhappy when you told them the 'in' toy that year was out of stock. Then, once you had survived the pre-Christmas period, you got the influx of people bringing unwanted junk back.

After going through this cycle a couple of times, in the third year I decided I was going to get some revenge on Joe Public. I used to work all over the shop, sometimes on the tills, sometimes on the collection desk, but it was when I was working in the stockroom that my opportunity presented itself.

One of the big toys that year was the 'Magna Doodle' - a drawing board kind of like an Etch-a-sketch, but with a pen (and therefore more chance of producing a legible drawing) instead of dials. We had LOADS of them, probably thirty or more, in a great pile in the stockroom. One Sunday morning, in a spare bit of time before the doors opened and the crowds descended, I found myself in one of the toy aisles and noticed the Magna Doodle boxes were not sealed at the end, meaning one could extract and replace the toy with no sign of tampering. My plan was formed.

Initially, I removed one, wrote a naughty word on it, and carefully placed it back in the box. My crime complete, I was pretty satisfied, as I thought about little Johnny opening his present on Christmas morning and asking his parents what WANKSOCK meant. But then, the excitement of it all got the better of me. In the next ten minutes or so, I defaced every single one, starting with rude words and then progressing into drawings of an ever increasingly explicit nature.

Amazingly, this really was the perfect crime as there was zero fallout afterwards. No-one ever brought one back, or complained - maybe older brothers or sisters got the blame instead. I still smile when I imagine all of those awkward Christmas morning discussions.
(Thu 10th May 2012, 16:52, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Confessions of a shop assistant
I worked at Argos for a couple of years whilst at college.

0ne Christmas I and another bored co-worker removed all the 'Magna Doodles' (like an etch-a-sketch) from their boxes in the stock room, drew crude yet surprisingly graphic representations of male genitalia on them all, then boxed them up again ready to be opened by unsuspecting kids on Christmas morning. I would have paid to have seen the parents' faces.

When I finally left I sellotaped a frozen kipper to the underside of the boss's desk - excellent time delayed stink bomb. I had an angry phonecall from them two weeks later after they'd got Rentokil in and they'd found the offending article.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 15:39, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Wedding juice
My father-in-law is always keen to talk to strangers but it has caught him out a few times.

At breakfast in the hotel, the morning after my brother's wedding, he was waiting in the large queue at the buffet to get a glass of orange juice. An attractive young lady with an ample bosom and very tightly fitting jumper was struggling to pour her glass of juice whilst also holding her plate of food and her cutlery.

Up steps the father-in-law, spots the drink-pouring problem, and is keen to help the poor lass...."WHAT MASSIVE JUGS!" he says in a very loud voice.

Girl goes bright red and hastily makes her retreat. Father in law doesn't realise what he's done.

Mother in law looks on, stony faced.
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 14:18, More)

» Stories of unsurpassed brilliance

Brother did a bit of IT helpdesk work years ago at company with lots of remote workers
One day a woman called in a state of distress.
"My screen just went off and it won't turn back on"
"OK, could you check that the power lead hasn't fallen out of your monitor?"
"Yes it's still plugged in"
"OK could you check at the other end of the monitor cable, where it plugs into the computer?"
"No I can't see. It's too dark"
"Could you perhaps get some light down there to see if the lead has come out?"
"No I haven't got any light. There's a power cut"
(Wed 23rd Nov 2016, 21:23, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Roast drunk hamster
My brother had a hamster which lived a happy enough life, until one day when we woke up one morning to find it in what could only be described as comatose state.

What had happened was, overnight the little ball-bearing that sits in the spout of his little water bottle in order to stop it pouring everywhere had failed, resulting in the contents of the bottle leaking into his bedding. It must have got very cold and wet and went into a little rodent coma.

We decided that the little chap needed warming up, and, having read numerous Famous Five books it was clear that brandy was the best course of action. We got hold of a pipette, raided the drinks cabinet, and gave the little chap about 5mls of the good stuff. It had a bit of an odd effect, he started to look decidedly glassy-eyed, and twitched a bit.

Assuming that the brandy hadn't worked, we then resorted to more extreme measures, and lay him carefully on a warm surface. The storage heater . Which was really quite hot.

After about an hour of this treatment, I'm afraid it was curtains for little Smudge. All that remained of his happy life was the smell of singed fur and boozy breath. Death by alchohol poisoning and slow-roasting.

Can't blame a couple of kids for trying.
(Fri 7th Dec 2007, 12:21, More)
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