Profile for Seaman Gabber:
Me 'n the wife.
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Me 'n the wife.
Recent front page messages:
Best answers to questions:
» Unexpected Nudity
Next time you use the unisex toilet at the Airport try locking the door.
There was me, waiting for our flight from Tenerife back to pissy Manchester when I felt the all too common symptoms of my all-too-small bladder and my all-too-large booze consumption a few hours earlier.
As the flight was minutes from boarding along with the distinct absence of anyone who looked remotely disabled I decided to take advantage. Sliding the door open I was greeted by a rather alarmed looking woman who'd clearly just finished replacing her tampon or pad and had her knickers round her knees.
After a brief consideration of her smooth as glass ladygarden I turned around and scuttled off so I would not have to share the embarrasment of any further contact with the unfortunate lady.
Sods law dictated that not only was she on the same flight as me but her boyfriend was sitting next to my wife so she had no choice but to sit opposite me.
We avoided eye contact after that and it was all I could do not to burst out to the wife,'I saw her rat!'
(Thu 28th May 2009, 13:44, More)
Next time you use the unisex toilet at the Airport try locking the door.
There was me, waiting for our flight from Tenerife back to pissy Manchester when I felt the all too common symptoms of my all-too-small bladder and my all-too-large booze consumption a few hours earlier.
As the flight was minutes from boarding along with the distinct absence of anyone who looked remotely disabled I decided to take advantage. Sliding the door open I was greeted by a rather alarmed looking woman who'd clearly just finished replacing her tampon or pad and had her knickers round her knees.
After a brief consideration of her smooth as glass ladygarden I turned around and scuttled off so I would not have to share the embarrasment of any further contact with the unfortunate lady.
Sods law dictated that not only was she on the same flight as me but her boyfriend was sitting next to my wife so she had no choice but to sit opposite me.
We avoided eye contact after that and it was all I could do not to burst out to the wife,'I saw her rat!'
(Thu 28th May 2009, 13:44, More)
» Stuff You've Overheard
Feature-66. Page the entire office...
A few years back the company I worked for was expanding faster than our office space permitted. Because of this all the sales team set up shop in a building about 300 yards down the road.
It had its own telephone system which was different to the one the sales team were used to but for the sake of internal communications it was linked through some ISDN system into our main switchboard.
Unfortunately for one of the sales guys he didn't appreciate that all the 'Feature codes' for the new system were subtly different to those in the old building...
Minding my own business one day having a nice cup of coffee at my desk I heard the 'bee-bee-beep' noise of the internal page system shortly followed by the sound of fumbling and background noise.
"Phwoarrr. Bloody Hell. Look at the knockers on her." A familiar voice was heard over the office page system. "I wouldn't mind giving her one... but she's a bit tall for me."
After metaphorically spitting my coffee all over my screen I managed to gather my composure enough to quickly dial the extension of one of his colleagues and the only thing I could blurt out was "[name withheld] is currently paging the entire building with his sexual fantasies. Hit him with a plank or something."
Shortly after that there was a muted "Oh Sh1t." as the paging system went silent.
Turns out he'd tried transfer the person to another line but the code he used was the equivalent of our Voice Tannoy code. Whilst he was waiting for the person he was transferring to to pick up he decided to talk to his colleague about some cutie who was walking past... Unfortuantely this went to the entire company. Senior Directors included.
I don't think any of us could get any work done for the rest of the day because we were laughing so much.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 18:38, More)
Feature-66. Page the entire office...
A few years back the company I worked for was expanding faster than our office space permitted. Because of this all the sales team set up shop in a building about 300 yards down the road.
It had its own telephone system which was different to the one the sales team were used to but for the sake of internal communications it was linked through some ISDN system into our main switchboard.
Unfortunately for one of the sales guys he didn't appreciate that all the 'Feature codes' for the new system were subtly different to those in the old building...
Minding my own business one day having a nice cup of coffee at my desk I heard the 'bee-bee-beep' noise of the internal page system shortly followed by the sound of fumbling and background noise.
"Phwoarrr. Bloody Hell. Look at the knockers on her." A familiar voice was heard over the office page system. "I wouldn't mind giving her one... but she's a bit tall for me."
After metaphorically spitting my coffee all over my screen I managed to gather my composure enough to quickly dial the extension of one of his colleagues and the only thing I could blurt out was "[name withheld] is currently paging the entire building with his sexual fantasies. Hit him with a plank or something."
Shortly after that there was a muted "Oh Sh1t." as the paging system went silent.
Turns out he'd tried transfer the person to another line but the code he used was the equivalent of our Voice Tannoy code. Whilst he was waiting for the person he was transferring to to pick up he decided to talk to his colleague about some cutie who was walking past... Unfortuantely this went to the entire company. Senior Directors included.
I don't think any of us could get any work done for the rest of the day because we were laughing so much.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 18:38, More)
» Guilty Secrets
Vegetarians: Face facts. We're supposed to eat meat.
My best mate's ex wife was a raging vegetarian and hung around with similar pale-faced types who thought there was nothing better to do at BBQ's than discuss the plight of the tasty 4 legged bastards who are on this planet for one sole reason: Food.
One year we took pity on these poor unfortunates who were clearly deluded in their vegginess and secretly wrung out some particularly fatty (but tasty nevertheless) value burgers all over the veggie ones. After a few burgers were milked over the quorn offerings they were thoroughly coated in a greasy fatty layer.
We then sat within earshot wriggling our toes in glee as they sat around discussing how thoroughly tasty this particular brand of veggie burger was.
As I think Vegetarians are ridiculous I guess this isn't a particularly guilty secret but hey It gave me a chance to let people know my beliefs.
(Tue 4th Sep 2007, 10:24, More)
Vegetarians: Face facts. We're supposed to eat meat.
My best mate's ex wife was a raging vegetarian and hung around with similar pale-faced types who thought there was nothing better to do at BBQ's than discuss the plight of the tasty 4 legged bastards who are on this planet for one sole reason: Food.
One year we took pity on these poor unfortunates who were clearly deluded in their vegginess and secretly wrung out some particularly fatty (but tasty nevertheless) value burgers all over the veggie ones. After a few burgers were milked over the quorn offerings they were thoroughly coated in a greasy fatty layer.
We then sat within earshot wriggling our toes in glee as they sat around discussing how thoroughly tasty this particular brand of veggie burger was.
As I think Vegetarians are ridiculous I guess this isn't a particularly guilty secret but hey It gave me a chance to let people know my beliefs.
(Tue 4th Sep 2007, 10:24, More)
» PE Lessons
Cross CoUNTry Running. 11 year olds:1 PE teachers: Nil.
Going to a school at the edge of the Pennines, surrounded by mile upon mile of undulating fields gave our PE teachers so many possibilities when it came to routes for our Cross Country running.
But as you can confuse a PE teacher by asking them the time ours chose the route to be 5 or 6 laps of the cricket & hockey pitch.
Every time.
At the furthest distance (probably 600 meters away) from where the teachers were overseeing the events (i.e chatting up the female PE teachers) was one of the hockey nets. Our Hockey nets had a 2 ft wooden back and side to catch the ball. It's impressive how many kids you can hide, lying down behind those nets.
To this day I can never understand how they didn't notice that although 40 kids started the race only 10 kids at any one time were actually running round until the final lap.
Idiots.
(Fri 20th Nov 2009, 10:16, More)
Cross CoUNTry Running. 11 year olds:1 PE teachers: Nil.
Going to a school at the edge of the Pennines, surrounded by mile upon mile of undulating fields gave our PE teachers so many possibilities when it came to routes for our Cross Country running.
But as you can confuse a PE teacher by asking them the time ours chose the route to be 5 or 6 laps of the cricket & hockey pitch.
Every time.
At the furthest distance (probably 600 meters away) from where the teachers were overseeing the events (i.e chatting up the female PE teachers) was one of the hockey nets. Our Hockey nets had a 2 ft wooden back and side to catch the ball. It's impressive how many kids you can hide, lying down behind those nets.
To this day I can never understand how they didn't notice that although 40 kids started the race only 10 kids at any one time were actually running round until the final lap.
Idiots.
(Fri 20th Nov 2009, 10:16, More)
» Rubbish Towns
Various Shitholes in the USA and how I'm surprised I'm still alive.
At the tender age of 20 I found myself flying around America with my girlfriend on a 4 week unlimited standby flights ticket with Delta Airlines. It was called The Delta Pass and cost a mere 235 quid for non US residents under the age of 25. It was like Willy Wonkas golden ticket to the Promised land... of certain death.
Being rather naieve and on a tight budget we found ourselves in a few dubious areas due to genius accomodation idea #1. Get the bus into town and wander around looking for a hotel. It couldn't fail. Until:
Orlando: Getting off a bus at midnight in the middle of some downtown ghetto area of Orlando and wandering around looking for a hotel, wearing backpacks. Mercifully the first person that came across our frail souls was a cop on patrol. He guided us to a hotel and told us never to do something as stupid as this again. He'd got an *actual* shotgun mounted on his dashboard. I wasn't going to argue with that authority!
So genius Hotel Idea #2 was born. Once we'd landed in each destination we'd use the free phones at the airport to find the cheapest hotel that would put on a free shuttle service and had cheap rooms.
Miami: Upon returning from a nice trip to Miami Beach to what appeared to be a very nice hotel in a somewhat dubious area of Miami the bus driver insisted on waiting until we'd crossed the road and got safely into our hotel. He strongly advised us that the following morning we got the hell out of there. We did.
Denver, Colorado: Some remote suburb hotel that prided itself on free XXX hardcore porn in every room. There were a lot of ladies on the street corner who's stockings didn't go all the way up to their skirts. When we checked in the receptionist looked very wary of us. Turns out in future conversations that to most 'merkins we both looked about 12.
Sanfransisco: The lovely free transfer bus took us into a shabby hotel in the deepest suburb of Chinatown. Upon leaving the hotel to find something to eat 'Lets try Chinese, lol' it was very apparent when we left the hotel that this was not just some chinese themed tourist trap but was a whole district under Chinese occupation. i.e The only non chinese there was scrawny old me and my 5'2 blonde haired girlfriend wearing a bright pink t-shirt. Opposite the hotel was one of those metal fire escapes that the bad guys get chased down in cop movies. It was teeming with whores. We ate at the closest restaurant and got the hell back to the hotel. The following day the we went to see the Golden Gate bridge and on the way back realised the g/f had lost the map back to the hotel. All we had to go by was the name 'The airporter hotel'. Did any Cop in the dubious area of Sanfransisco we'd found ourself in at dusk know of this hotel? Did they fcuk. This was the only time I truly felt in fear of my life on the trip and things were getting desperate as light faded.
We were obviously looking desperate by this point and we were relieved to hear another English voice asking whether we were ok. 'No, We're lost. Nobody knows where our hotel is and we lost the map.' we told this 20-something. Upon giving him the name he only bloody knew where it was and insisted he escorted us back there. 'No wonder nobody knew where it was. It's 15 miles away.'
New York: The Delta Pass had run out. As had our money so we found ourselves at La Guardia airport with 3 days to kill before the return flight. Hailing the nearest taxi and handing over our bags to the rather large but smartly suited bubba look-alike it suddenly dawned upon me that this was probably not an official taxi (infact there was nothing to indicate it was a taxi at all) and as we headed into the night I was becoming increasingly agitated. When he took one of the long curving exits from one of the freeways I was seriously expecting him to rob us, throw us out and leave us in the middle of nowhere. I unsheathed my trusty Swiss Army knife blade (heh, I'm gonna go down fighting!).
20 minutes later we're dropped off at our hotel. Alive. Turns out the guy was down on his luck and all he had left was a nice car and a suit and just wanted to make a (semi-honest) living.
So there we were stranded for 3 days in a hotel in the middle of gangland New York. About 20 miles from the City. The first day we decided to venture out to the 7-11. It was like a scene from Boys in the Hood. We went back to the hotel and spent the next 3 days hiding under the bedclothes.
We took 22 different flights and there were many more shitholes but these ones stand out the most.
If I wasn't an athieist I almost think we had a Guardian angel looking out for us on that trip. We were youthful idiots.
Length? More like depth. About 6 foot(under) by rights
(Fri 30th Oct 2009, 11:22, More)
Various Shitholes in the USA and how I'm surprised I'm still alive.
At the tender age of 20 I found myself flying around America with my girlfriend on a 4 week unlimited standby flights ticket with Delta Airlines. It was called The Delta Pass and cost a mere 235 quid for non US residents under the age of 25. It was like Willy Wonkas golden ticket to the Promised land... of certain death.
Being rather naieve and on a tight budget we found ourselves in a few dubious areas due to genius accomodation idea #1. Get the bus into town and wander around looking for a hotel. It couldn't fail. Until:
Orlando: Getting off a bus at midnight in the middle of some downtown ghetto area of Orlando and wandering around looking for a hotel, wearing backpacks. Mercifully the first person that came across our frail souls was a cop on patrol. He guided us to a hotel and told us never to do something as stupid as this again. He'd got an *actual* shotgun mounted on his dashboard. I wasn't going to argue with that authority!
So genius Hotel Idea #2 was born. Once we'd landed in each destination we'd use the free phones at the airport to find the cheapest hotel that would put on a free shuttle service and had cheap rooms.
Miami: Upon returning from a nice trip to Miami Beach to what appeared to be a very nice hotel in a somewhat dubious area of Miami the bus driver insisted on waiting until we'd crossed the road and got safely into our hotel. He strongly advised us that the following morning we got the hell out of there. We did.
Denver, Colorado: Some remote suburb hotel that prided itself on free XXX hardcore porn in every room. There were a lot of ladies on the street corner who's stockings didn't go all the way up to their skirts. When we checked in the receptionist looked very wary of us. Turns out in future conversations that to most 'merkins we both looked about 12.
Sanfransisco: The lovely free transfer bus took us into a shabby hotel in the deepest suburb of Chinatown. Upon leaving the hotel to find something to eat 'Lets try Chinese, lol' it was very apparent when we left the hotel that this was not just some chinese themed tourist trap but was a whole district under Chinese occupation. i.e The only non chinese there was scrawny old me and my 5'2 blonde haired girlfriend wearing a bright pink t-shirt. Opposite the hotel was one of those metal fire escapes that the bad guys get chased down in cop movies. It was teeming with whores. We ate at the closest restaurant and got the hell back to the hotel. The following day the we went to see the Golden Gate bridge and on the way back realised the g/f had lost the map back to the hotel. All we had to go by was the name 'The airporter hotel'. Did any Cop in the dubious area of Sanfransisco we'd found ourself in at dusk know of this hotel? Did they fcuk. This was the only time I truly felt in fear of my life on the trip and things were getting desperate as light faded.
We were obviously looking desperate by this point and we were relieved to hear another English voice asking whether we were ok. 'No, We're lost. Nobody knows where our hotel is and we lost the map.' we told this 20-something. Upon giving him the name he only bloody knew where it was and insisted he escorted us back there. 'No wonder nobody knew where it was. It's 15 miles away.'
New York: The Delta Pass had run out. As had our money so we found ourselves at La Guardia airport with 3 days to kill before the return flight. Hailing the nearest taxi and handing over our bags to the rather large but smartly suited bubba look-alike it suddenly dawned upon me that this was probably not an official taxi (infact there was nothing to indicate it was a taxi at all) and as we headed into the night I was becoming increasingly agitated. When he took one of the long curving exits from one of the freeways I was seriously expecting him to rob us, throw us out and leave us in the middle of nowhere. I unsheathed my trusty Swiss Army knife blade (heh, I'm gonna go down fighting!).
20 minutes later we're dropped off at our hotel. Alive. Turns out the guy was down on his luck and all he had left was a nice car and a suit and just wanted to make a (semi-honest) living.
So there we were stranded for 3 days in a hotel in the middle of gangland New York. About 20 miles from the City. The first day we decided to venture out to the 7-11. It was like a scene from Boys in the Hood. We went back to the hotel and spent the next 3 days hiding under the bedclothes.
We took 22 different flights and there were many more shitholes but these ones stand out the most.
If I wasn't an athieist I almost think we had a Guardian angel looking out for us on that trip. We were youthful idiots.
Length? More like depth. About 6 foot(under) by rights
(Fri 30th Oct 2009, 11:22, More)