Diddle iddle um, diddle iddle um, diddle iddle dit dit duh duh dee dee...

(Tue 9th Nov 2010, 18:02, More)

Hope it gets on the popeular page...


EDIT: Crikey! My second FP. Cheers all!
(Thu 16th Sep 2010, 17:37, More)

The claws are the first weapon you learn how to use, because it lets you keep your distance from the prey. The closer you get to being a pro, the closer you can get to the prey. The neck bite, for example, is the last thing you learn.

click for gigantification
(Mon 13th Feb 2006, 12:38, More)

» Bedroom Disasters

I once spat on a lightbulb.
No idea why.
I was on the top bunk, the lamp was on the bedside table.
I dribbled some spittle on it.
It exploded.
Embedding superheated glass shards in my 10 year old face.
I didn't cry.
I was more worried about explaining to my mum why the lightbulb in my room had exploded.
(Fri 24th Jun 2011, 17:24, More)

» Gyms

You know when you get an idea which seems genius at the time?
Many years ago, at Uni, I caught the flu. Not full fledged man-flu, but it was still pretty bad. In my less than 100% state, my mind decided it would be a good idea for me to go 'run it off'. Stupid mind.

So I'm on the running machine at the uni gym. 'Running off' the flu. Fucking idiot. I've been jogging for a few minutes when the worst happens.

I puke on the running machine and slip in the vomitus. Which causes me to fall flat on my face and get fired off the back of the running machine.

So now, not only do I have the flu, many bruises and a nice covering of flu-bile, but I'm also being puke-pebbledashed as the treadmill continues to flick the remains of my yellow detrius at me.

And then the gym instructor guy comes running over and says, "Are you alright?" I love that.
(Fri 10th Jul 2009, 12:12, More)

» Failed

I failed once.
I was sitting on my bed, feeling unwell, wrapped in a towel having just showered. That squirmy, gassy feeling hit me and I just knew I was going to do a spectacular fart. I informed my girlfriend, sitting next to me, that something wonderful was about to happen. Unfortunately, I'd failed to correctly judge the subtle signs in my bowelary movements. And promptly shat myself.

There really is no smell like lumpy diarrhoea wrapped in a soggy towel.
(Mon 8th Jan 2007, 15:06, More)

» School Trips

I believe I have already answered this question with my most memorable school trip:
here you go

small as you like, no?
(Tue 12th Dec 2006, 16:35, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Flying Kick
Once upon a time I was, as many people were, 11 or 12 years old.

My younger brother and I used to fight like cats and dogs at the time and many hilarious injuries would occur.

But this was my favourite.

We were arguing in the living room about who's He-Man figure was the best or something, and something made him really, really angry.

He ran at me, full pelt, before launching into an epic-looking flying kick.

Somehow, I stepped out of the way at the last second.

He went flying into the sofa.

And disappeared.

Somehow he'd managed to land perfectly between the sofa cushions and got himself wedged inside - completely concealed from view.

I couldn't breathe for laughing while his muffled rage emanated from within this soft, comfortable prison.

Ah, the good old days.
(Thu 21st Jan 2010, 18:41, More)