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Profile for wayneofthedead:
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The Armed Republic of Bill Oddie has occasionally appeared in several cough medicine dressing gowns. Hailing from Guildford, they are increasingly banal about 'The Big Bird Race' and recently became better known as "Doctor in the House".

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Best answers to questions:

» When were you last really scared?

A couple of months back...
Walking home from the pub around 2am, was in a glorious mood owing to the drink. I walked up past Tesco and turned the corner... There they were... 15 terrifying looking hoodied yobbo's with their glass bottles and sweary shouty voices.

In an attempt to 'blend in' and walk through them un-noticed I put my hood up myself (quite why I thought this would work escapes me). They let me walk past. I was roughly 10 feet away when it started. The broken remnants of a glass bottle flyed past my head. I picked up speed a bit, in that weird way people do to show that they're not intimitated but at the same time secretly shitting themselves.

I heard shouting, i sneaked a look behind me, they were walking at me, still shouting and throwing bottles. A bottle hit me on the back, I started running, they started running, I tried to hide in an alleyway, like people do on films. I stopped, expecting them to run straight past the alley, but alas they saw me run down there. I started running again, not knowing where I can run to, i was still a good 20 minutes from home. It was at this point a little bit of wee came out, i was absolutely terrified by this point they'll catch up with me and probably rape me then maul my face off with broken glass.

Then I had an idea, I headed up to Tesco (it was a 24 hour one after all). I finally made it inside the door, walked up to the security guard and before I could say a word, I started crying. Alcohol-fuelled sobbing about the fact I was finally safe. The police were called, they never caught the cunts but I got a free lift home.

I'm 24.
(Thu 22nd Feb 2007, 20:04, More)

» School Trips

year 9 camp
Basically a 4 day school trip where we stayed in these shitty little mini-teepee tents, with activities such as rambling, rock climbing etc all under this stupid little 'team building' guise. there were 4 of us to a tent, and unfortunately, this annoying little sod called daniel insisted on staying with us. Now Daniel was just weird. he must've been because he couldn't say the word coins properly.

This trip however was to cement his weirdness in our brains permanently and become something of a legend.

The first night was the beginning. Being the typical schoolboys we were, we took the opportunity in the tent to basically bully him. He resolved this issue by shining his big flashlight torch in his eyes, proclaiming he had blinded himself and went outside the tent. He never came back that night, we found him the next morning sitting on his own in the woods nearby.

That day our group had the hiking activety, which i believe was 9 miles long or something like that. Daniel entrusted himself with the map and insisted on taking a short cut. cut to 4 hours later and 4 boys desperately lost, happening upon a phone booth to call back to the camp to plead to the teachers to come find us.

The next morning, we woke up to this smell which smelt alarmingly like piss. Seeing as Daniel was nowhere to be seen, we lifted up his sleeping bag to find; a giant piss puddle with insects drowning in it. We took it upon ourselves to clean his mess up and 'fumigate' the tent by spraying all our deodorant in it.

He came back and actually tried to tell us his cat had stowed away in his sleeping bag and it was his cat that had pissed and not him. A cat? yeah, whatever.

On the last night, the whole group had a bbq by the little camp fire, which daniel left early to go back to the tent. We go back to the tent to find Daniel masturbating into MY sock. I made him throw it away and made sure he gave me the money to replace the socks he had tossed into.

The final example of his weirdness though, was when we were going back. Our group was put on the minibus (space-issue or spack-issue, you decide), and he pulled out this tape from his coat and asked the driver to play it.

What we actually heard as soon as he put this tape in made all of us cry with laughter. It started up with this tinny little keyboard demo and after a long introduction, a vocal part (clearly daniel) came in repeating the words "I got bike" over and over.

To this day my band still warm up with a quick rendition of Daniels classic.

God knows what else was on the tape, we never got that far.
(Thu 7th Dec 2006, 17:16, More)

» Terrible food

Egg's On The Heath
A friend and I, having found ourselves sharing a flat in London and surviving on really meagre jobs, took to dreaming up culinary dishes and making them. A favourite of mine (because it went down so badly with other people) was Egg's On The Heath. I unfortunately have no photo's of the said monstrosity but I assure you that it not only looked like shit but tasted rather less than desirable too. Here's how we made it;

Cress spread all over plate to represent the grass.
Big puddle of brown sauce to represent the murky pond.
Sardines placed on murky pond to represent dead fish.
Brocolli florets stood up on end to represent trees.
Two boiled and peeled egg's to represent the egg's on the heath. (tried drawing faces on them but failed)

We had to find a way to keep the brocolli florets stood up so we worked out the best way of doing this was to settle them in mashed potato. The natural colour of the mashed potato however, was obviously not suitable for the dish.

We resolved this issue by dying it with green food colouring.

Never again have I managed to dream up such a horrible tasting dish. Well, there was 'cummy egg' but I'm not brave enough to make it, let alone eat it.
(Thu 17th May 2007, 18:53, More)

» Secret Santa

to the massive homophobe at my previous job
one copy of the gay times
one tube of ky jelly
one banana
(Fri 15th Dec 2006, 10:41, More)

» Family codes and rituals

"Waterfall, I said it first"
When my two sisters and I were younger, we'd play a game on the drive back from our nan's house every sunday night.

On the way back, we'd pass this magnificent, elaborate waterfall housed on the front of a large business and trading estate (a waterfall we would many years later fill with bubble bath on a drunken night out, god bless tesco and it's 24 hours trading).

Anyway, as soon as we'd pass this waterfall, there would be a frantic half second as my two sisters and I clambered to say the hallowed words;

"Waterfall, I said it first".

Every sunday evening, this would happen, and would more often than not be the prompt of many a sulk and tantrum.

Years passed, and the pointless game forgotten over time, until one Christmas day two years ago. For the first time in years, my two sisters and my dad we're in a car, driving back from my nan's, driving past a particular waterfall. Not one of us said the hallowed words, until 10 seconds later when my Dad suddenly piped up;

"Waterfall, I said it first". Uncontrollable fits of laughter ensued from all of us, and Dad actually had to stop the car to get his composure back, having tears rolling down his face from the laughter.
(Sat 22nd Nov 2008, 11:26, More)
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