» Pure Ignorance

America only exports its second-tier idiots - we keep the best for ourselves
Not exactly overheard when it is aimed right at one's own self, but...

Went for an interview with an unnamed coffee company (rhymes with unfiltered Starwatermelons), asked the usual "what can you offer this company" crap.

Attempted to say something about my intelligence and level-headedness, when the interviewer, quite seriously, said "That doesn't really count for much, does it? I mean, I'm not smart, and look how far I've gotten!"

He would have been my boss. I didn't take the job.
(Mon 10th Jan 2005, 2:22, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

Poor, Poor Pitiful Me
Being a philosphic sort of person in a Philistine sort of country, I have had to find many non-traditional ways to support my own self:

1. Collecting other people's garbage and making "art" out of it for gullible tourists - biggish money if you have the artiste's slovenly, bitter superiority act down.

2. Saving the ashes and smoking them a second time. The high isn't great, but it more than kills the pain from the incipient Black Lung Disease it causes, so it's a plus.

3. Several guys who grew their own would gladly get a straight guy wasted to get into his pants, so I played straight. Not difficult, just odd.

4. Friends would bring ALL their not-quite foods to one kitchen, and a ghastly looking feast would ensue. Always edible, with enough booze.

5. Money could always be gotten from Mr. " ", who had certain needs others didn't really enjoy satisfying. Suffice to say he would bend over and my hands would be warmed. And messy.
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 19:58, More)

» Worst Band Ever

The Sound of Silence
In this country, the not exactly united states, there is a so-called band called Journey. Foul, wretched, intestinal-tempest-causing caterwauling laid artlessly over an overproduced wall of music-like masturbation and aural twaddle. And with a vocalist that looks like a Skexis and sings like Witchiepoo giving birth to a saguaro. And, most wretchedly retchable of all, is how popular this cretinous bile is over here in the former colonies.

I pray to every God ever imagined that you never get any of it over there.
(Sat 1st Jan 2011, 3:46, More)

» Useless Information

Actual Genuine Unused Facts, Still in Shrink-Wrap
1. Gerbils are actually flightless bats.

2. Carrots have testicles.

3. The richest man in the world, if shot out of a cannon straight into a concrete wall, would make just as big a splat as a man of average means.

4. Dust devils are not actually devils. They are the restless spirits of unhappy nuns, all covered in dry fluff.

5. A giant octopus at Marine Land, USA has never had a nosebleed.
(Fri 18th Mar 2005, 7:16, More)

» Pure Ignorance

On the Enhancement of Found Stupidity for Aesthetic Pleasure and Social Comment
I worked with a relatively intelligent but quite gullible woman, enjoyable overall, but occasionally her semi-recessive idiot genes would win out and then WHAM! suddenly she's thicker than frozen pig shit pudding on a plank.

At a conference full of touristy pavillions from exotic places, she remarks that she's never even heard of some of them. "Like Micronesia?" I ask, and she looks at me like I'm full of it. "No, it's true!" I (rep)lied, "It's a reeeally tiny place, and all the plants and animals are like minatures." Then she knew I was lying, and there was therefore no such a place called Micronesia.

Along comes Jaindo. "Hey Jaindo," says Ms. Gullible, "Have you ever heard of Micronesia?"

Problem is, this whole thing is because of my reputation as an amusing jackass, so Jaindo assumes it's a joke and plays along - "Oh, yeah, it's beautiful. But it's really tiny."

So now Ms. Gullible is CERTAIN there ain't no Micronesia. I spend four days at the convention with her, telling her more and more stuff about this mythical paradise. All taken from official data about the real place. And she buys not a bit of it.

Last day, we are wading past a sea of vendors, and lo and behold, coming at us is a nice man in a t-shirt, passing out brochures, both extolling the beauty and pleasures of Lovely Micronesia.

I enjoyed watching the little gear-teeth fly out her ears.

I convinced another woman there that you could get the same lift as a double espresso by flashing a tiny light at the sides of your eyeballs. She did, several times a day for months, and swore by it.

Forgive me you must. I was amused as a child, and it scarred me for life...
(Mon 10th Jan 2005, 23:40, More)