» The Police

Only in Colorado..
Roaring back to Denver from Las Vegas in a convertible, I had been doing all the driving for about eight hours and was getting a little bored of it. In an effort to hasten the end of the journey I was really whacking it - getting a fine 10mpg through the mountains - until I shot past a bush with a cop car parked in it at about 100 mph.

Thank God I had backed off a little.

For a moment I thought he wasn't coming but then sure enough his lights came on and he pulled into the road. It seemed like it took about an hour for him to catch up (probably only a minute or two) depsite my slowing right down in the vain hope that he wasn't after me. Sadly, there was nobody else for miles. When the lights came on I had actually forgotten he was after me - must be the adrenaline - and had to be told to pull over by my passengers. Luckily, they also restrained me from getting out - apparently in the middle of the mountains at 1am this would be an invitation to be blown, unceremoniously, away. The cop approached the car and tapped on the window.

He was a skinny black guy with a Hitler 'tache and it is one of my greatest regrets that I don't have a recording to prove how gay his voice was.

"Good evening," he said camply. "I'm Deputy Gay". I shit you not. It wasn't even "Gaye".

After seeing my British licence he decided it wasn't worth the paperwork and let me off, which was good of him. However I will never live down the way my passengers relate the story that I had to go 'round the back' (my papers were in the boot) with Deputy Gay, after which he let me off.

"I'm gonna let you go with a warning," goes the new version of his farewell. "..and a kiss."

Edit: just re-read that and realised I come off as a boastful, homophobic scofflaw. Mind you, it's not far wide of the mark.
(Thu 22nd Sep 2005, 16:12, More)

» Out of my depth

My career as a dictator
I went to a primary school with a very small student population and at one point was the only person in my year to be in "white" house for sports day. Being the oldest by about a year, this made me house captain by default. I should point out, this is like putting the Tellytubbies in charge of the Treasury. I neither play, nor enjoy, any field sport whatsoever.

However, being an arrogant little shit, I hand-picked a junior football team anyway and proceeded to hold a pre-match pep talk. I didn't know what any of their questions even meant, especially when they began with references to a Premiership of whose existence I had only the vaguest awareness.

Needless to say, I was rumbled within a day and deposed, by general consensus, in favour of a gang of three girls from the year below me. The shame.
(Mon 18th Oct 2004, 10:11, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

History and cache problems?
Ghostzilla.

Genius.
(Sat 11th Feb 2006, 2:52, More)