:)

(Thu 3rd Aug 2006, 21:13, More)

It never did make any sense that he span his web from his wrists....

(Mon 17th Jul 2006, 12:59, More)

There is no spoon.

(Sun 27th Mar 2005, 20:28, More)

(Thu 24th Mar 2005, 10:14, More)

» Out of my depth

The Secret Door
One of the first things I do when moving to a new house is go into the loft and check out for any forgotten treasure and dead rats. Onetime I was crawling around and found another trap door! I got very excited with thoughts of a secret room full of stuff I could have. I couldn't open it and assumed it had been nailed down so I got me a crowbar and with lots of grunting and splintering wood managed to crack it open, only to see my neighbours staring up at me from their bedroom. :(
(Wed 20th Oct 2004, 19:59, More)

» Tramps

Porn mag on the train station.
Sitting waiting for my train with 5 or 6 random women and one smelly old tramp in a very bad pin-stripe suit. It was a small village stop so not much around. The tramp, while constantly groaning and spluttering pulls out a grotty copy of Fiesta and stands right by all the women blatantly rubbing his nuts and laughing. I was just about to stand up and say something like 'I say old chap, it's just not on!' but instead all the women shuffled around and ended up standing around me, I realised, hoping I would protect them! This bolstered my manliness to the max thinking that all these ladies needed me for protection from the weirdo so I stood between them and him with my arms crossed looking annoyed. For an Englishman this is a grave threat and the tramp wandered off muttering and rubbing. All the ladies thanked me for my braveness and I felt genuinely useful for once in my life.
(Fri 3rd Jul 2009, 14:00, More)

» Pet Stories

My cat loves me
The most interesting way I've ever been woken up was with my cat puking into my mouth. She'd been out mousing and had come in to give me some loving and obviously had eaten a few too many mice or maybe she thought I needed feeding as a gift to her beloved. I staggered into the bathroom to get some water to try and stop myself from throwing up and looking in the mirror saw I had small dangly mouse intestines hanging out of my mouth and a leg stuck to my cheek.
(Sat 9th Jun 2007, 9:32, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Too fat to be buried
A friend died, a rather large gentleman and a special coffin had to be made to fit him inside. Unfortunately the grave was dug to the standard council grave-hole dimensions and when the coffin was lowered it just stuck at a tilted angle in the top. The pall-bearers tugged on the ropes and a spade was used to lever the coffin back out again when it popped open and his corpse flopped onto the grass.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 12:39, More)

» Nightclubs

Having a piss in a club in Ulverston, Cumbria.
'Hey man', I said to the chap standing next to me, 'Do you know where I can score some hash?'

'I wouldn't know about that', he replied, 'I'm a policeman.'
(Thu 9th Apr 2009, 9:36, More)