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» Cringe!
Summer love.
When I was a lad of 15, I had a bit of a crush on a Spanish student that visited these shores to learn English for the summer. She was beautiful to me in every way that it is possible to see beauty in someone.
I was painfully shy, so it took weeks just to get up the nerve to talk to her.
One gloriously sunny day ,I was taking my dog for a walk (not a euphemism), when I saw her sitting in the local park, I let my dog off the lead (again, not a euphemism) and strolled over and said hi.
She patted the ground beside her indicating I should sit. So I sat. And we talked for a little while.
Then she looked at me oddly. I felt a strange warm sensation rising up my back. So this is love, I thought for a moment.
She wasn't looking at me, though - she was looking past me, over my shoulder.
So I looked over my shoulder, and there was my faithful hound pissing on me.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 10:40, More)
Summer love.
When I was a lad of 15, I had a bit of a crush on a Spanish student that visited these shores to learn English for the summer. She was beautiful to me in every way that it is possible to see beauty in someone.
I was painfully shy, so it took weeks just to get up the nerve to talk to her.
One gloriously sunny day ,I was taking my dog for a walk (not a euphemism), when I saw her sitting in the local park, I let my dog off the lead (again, not a euphemism) and strolled over and said hi.
She patted the ground beside her indicating I should sit. So I sat. And we talked for a little while.
Then she looked at me oddly. I felt a strange warm sensation rising up my back. So this is love, I thought for a moment.
She wasn't looking at me, though - she was looking past me, over my shoulder.
So I looked over my shoulder, and there was my faithful hound pissing on me.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 10:40, More)
» My Biggest Disappointment
At the zoo I used to work in
I was in charge of ordering the veterinary supplies. One Wednesday Laura, a rather tasty animal handler, told me that Gordon, one of the male gorillas was falling over and couldn't keep his balance. She thought it might be a bad inner ear infection and asked me to order some antibiotic cream. I rang the suppliers and was told that the medicine I wanted was only available in 10 Gallon drums. I had no choice but to order it.
And that was the biggest dizzy ape ointment I ever had.
sorry.
(Thu 26th Jun 2008, 14:59, More)
At the zoo I used to work in
I was in charge of ordering the veterinary supplies. One Wednesday Laura, a rather tasty animal handler, told me that Gordon, one of the male gorillas was falling over and couldn't keep his balance. She thought it might be a bad inner ear infection and asked me to order some antibiotic cream. I rang the suppliers and was told that the medicine I wanted was only available in 10 Gallon drums. I had no choice but to order it.
And that was the biggest dizzy ape ointment I ever had.
sorry.
(Thu 26th Jun 2008, 14:59, More)
» Advice from Old People
grandfather
During the war my Grandad was gainfully employed as an engineer on a Royal Navy frigate. In 1942 while on escort duty in mid-atlantic, the convoy his ship was escorting came under extensive U-boat attack. His ship was torpedoed, stayed afloat but was heavily damaged. There was no working SONAR on board so my Grandad had to come up with a solution fast. He removed the lens and protective glass from the door to the cells (the window a guard could look at prisoners through) and welded this to the hull below the waterline. He was then able to keep a sharp lookout for U-boats, thus saving many lives.
He later wrote a book about it. It was called 'a device from hold peephole'
Sorry.
(Tue 24th Jun 2008, 10:29, More)
grandfather
During the war my Grandad was gainfully employed as an engineer on a Royal Navy frigate. In 1942 while on escort duty in mid-atlantic, the convoy his ship was escorting came under extensive U-boat attack. His ship was torpedoed, stayed afloat but was heavily damaged. There was no working SONAR on board so my Grandad had to come up with a solution fast. He removed the lens and protective glass from the door to the cells (the window a guard could look at prisoners through) and welded this to the hull below the waterline. He was then able to keep a sharp lookout for U-boats, thus saving many lives.
He later wrote a book about it. It was called 'a device from hold peephole'
Sorry.
(Tue 24th Jun 2008, 10:29, More)
» Nightclubs
Urinal cake man.
When I was in college (Waterford, in the sunny south east of Ireland), the local hotspot was called 'The Bridge'. It was a hotel, bar & nightclub, and it was located beside the bridge in waterford. Hence the name.
On one occasion I saw someone in the Urinal (it's normal to see someone AT a urinal, not in one). It was one of those communal urinals, just a metal plate wall, really, with a drain running along the bottom, and some blue cakes fizzing away contendedly in the piss of a thousand drunks.
So this guy looked out of place lying in the drain. With blokes pissing beside him to the left and right. He was laughing, and other people started laughing at/with him, and the more they laughed, the more he laughed. It was hard not to laugh along really, because he had a manic laugh, like Woody Woodpecker.
But it was hard not to feel sorry for him too, lying in a pool of other's piss, drunk as a skunk, his shirt soaking up the moisture, His hair wet, face wet, trousers stained and being unable to do anything but laugh.
He was trying to get up, but kept slipping back, due mainly to him being drunk and wet, and trying to gain purchase on the metal wall or the tiled floor. It was pitiful.
I could have helped him, but really, there was every likelihood of being dragged down into the mire. So I waited for a cubicle (unlike the many who didn't mind pissing beside, on, or into him).
I wish I could say that the last I saw of him was as he left to hail a taxi. But no it was to get worse. and it was a sight that will haunt me to 'til the day I die.
The last I saw of him was about forty minutes later, When I saw him on the dancefloor. Slow dancing, with a girl I knew from my course. With his tongue down her throat.
I walked away - I didn't think it would help if she knew where he'd been.
(Thu 9th Apr 2009, 13:26, More)
Urinal cake man.
When I was in college (Waterford, in the sunny south east of Ireland), the local hotspot was called 'The Bridge'. It was a hotel, bar & nightclub, and it was located beside the bridge in waterford. Hence the name.
On one occasion I saw someone in the Urinal (it's normal to see someone AT a urinal, not in one). It was one of those communal urinals, just a metal plate wall, really, with a drain running along the bottom, and some blue cakes fizzing away contendedly in the piss of a thousand drunks.
So this guy looked out of place lying in the drain. With blokes pissing beside him to the left and right. He was laughing, and other people started laughing at/with him, and the more they laughed, the more he laughed. It was hard not to laugh along really, because he had a manic laugh, like Woody Woodpecker.
But it was hard not to feel sorry for him too, lying in a pool of other's piss, drunk as a skunk, his shirt soaking up the moisture, His hair wet, face wet, trousers stained and being unable to do anything but laugh.
He was trying to get up, but kept slipping back, due mainly to him being drunk and wet, and trying to gain purchase on the metal wall or the tiled floor. It was pitiful.
I could have helped him, but really, there was every likelihood of being dragged down into the mire. So I waited for a cubicle (unlike the many who didn't mind pissing beside, on, or into him).
I wish I could say that the last I saw of him was as he left to hail a taxi. But no it was to get worse. and it was a sight that will haunt me to 'til the day I die.
The last I saw of him was about forty minutes later, When I saw him on the dancefloor. Slow dancing, with a girl I knew from my course. With his tongue down her throat.
I walked away - I didn't think it would help if she knew where he'd been.
(Thu 9th Apr 2009, 13:26, More)