» Gyms

I've never injured myself in a gym
but now seems like a good time to air a major grievance I've come up against at gyms over the years. Women. Women who go to the gym, get on the treadmill and then just walk. Why? Just why? Why are you paying money every month, to go to a gym 4 times a week just to have a good old walk??? Here's a tip, put on some shoes, open your front door and place one foot ahead of the other. Dadahhhh! You're walking! I mean seriously, if you don't want to go outside then you could walk around your apartment and save the money.
I can only imagine in the morning time, packing their gym bag, telling the flatmates/partners "I'll be home a bit late, i'm going to the gym after work". Then going from work to the gym, getting changed, doing some warming up and stretches and then hitting the treadmill for a good old walk. Then showering afterwards, going back home and saying "Wow, I am knackered from my workout!". Knackered??? Really???? From a 20 minute walk?
If I told my wife this - "I'm going for a short walk, a session on the step machine and colonic irrigation" she'd merely raise one eyebrow and say "You're going upstairs for a shit aren't you?".
(Mon 13th Jul 2009, 13:45, More)

» Picky Eaters

sausages
I know this isn't exactly on topic but I've been suppressing my feelings for long enough on this matter and this QOTW is close enough for me to let rip.
Now must of us love a good honest pork sausage. As part of a fried breakfast or nuzzled between two pieces of bread with a bit of sauce or served with mash and gravy, it's a good food. Now at what point did some sh!t think it would be a good idea to start putting crappy herbs in them. I hate it, really really hate it. It constantly drives me mad. One minute your sat in a boozer, sipping a pint at lunch time when your sausage and mash arrives over. Of course, it's covered in gravy so you can't see the little green cancerous lumps below the skin. Oh no, not until you bite into it do you realise you've been had. This really gets up my nose. I mean, if you want a herby sausage you can simply get a cumberland. They're shaped different so there shouldn't be any error (actually, the fact that they are shaped like a curled dog turd is rather appropriate). I've nothing against the cumberland because it doesn't pretend to be a normal sausage. no no, it's the so called 'normal' sausages that have herbs hidden in them that really p!ss me off.

Last summer, having spent the day at London Zoo with my daughter and girlfriend, we were walking back through Regents park when I happened upon an establishment called 'The Honest Sausage'. I excitedly told gf that this is great, someone else obviously feels the same as me about herby sausages and has gone a stage further and opened a shop purveyor good honest sausages. I told gf to keep walking ahead while I popped in and got a takeaway sausage in a roll. I went in and all seemed fine. I purchased my food, left the establishment and ran to catch up with my family. Once we were all together I showed my gf the lovely sausage in a roll, hell I even waxed lyrical about the texture of gravy and onion on it. Then I bit into it and all hell broke lose. The bugger was full of herbs. I was outraged. I started a kind of insane grumble that grew to a shout, it went 'the honest sausage? the honest sausage? THE HONEST SAUSAGE??? I then proceeded to hold the herby horror in front of me shaking it (imagine John Cleese losing his temper in fawlty Towers). I finally lost it, dropped kicked the herby bunch a horror and then stamped on it (anyone reading this who happened to be in Regents Park and saw it take place...I apologise).
Anyway, now I only eat sausage that I buy myself in a clear wrapper and normally I cut one in half raw to check for herbs before cooking.

Ok, I'll leave it now. sorry but I had to get it off me chest
(Thu 1st Mar 2007, 14:26, More)

» Misunderstood

I thought the loved me.....
My first day working in Switzerland, my first name is Morgan. I walked into my office building and next thing everyone is saying 'Guten Morgen' or just 'Morgen' with a slight nod of the head.
I thought to myself, that is so cool. Someone must have sent an email around explaining that I was a new guy who'd joined who was foreign and didn't speak any Swiss German. Please make him feel welcome etc.
Started to get suspicious when this was still happening on my 3rd morning. Then someone explained it meant 'Good Morning' or just 'morning'.
Looks like my initial impression that the Swiss were a right stand offish bunch of c*nts was spot on after all!
PS: TIP: If you're at a meeting in Switzerland with Swiss people and a Swiss person is late arriving and someone asks ' I wonder what's keeping him?'. Do not answer 'He's probably polishing the jewish gold'. In my experience, a genuine tumbleweed moment.
(Fri 7th Oct 2005, 11:17, More)

» I Quit!

I once got sacked for laughing at work..
...mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.


Ithankyou.......I'm here all week.
(Fri 23rd May 2008, 12:23, More)

» Insults

two collegues of mine (1 male, 1 female)
were fooling around in the office having a bit of playfight. The girl was a bit on the larger side. The playfight got to the point where he was stood behind her with her arms held and she was slightly bent over a desk. She laughingly shouted to me 'quick quick call the police'. I chirpily shouted back 'what crime shall I say is being committed, rape or beastiality?'. Play fighting stopped instantly. Both returned to their desks. Ignore me forever after. Oh boy, my face hurt from the smile that day....
(Tue 9th Oct 2007, 10:26, More)