» Best Graffiti Ever

With my 8-year-old sister
During the Daily Telegraph's big ad campaign of a couple of years ago, I was taking my sister to school when we turned a corner to see a huge poster advertising '1,000,000 readers every day'. Someone had sprayed a much-needed foot-high addendum underneath:

AND THAT'S A LOT OF SMUG CUNTS
(Fri 4th May 2007, 1:43, More)

» Crap meals out

doughballs
When eating at a franchised Italian restaurant (I don't need to tell you its name could be translated as Cafe One), I, and a number of others, ordered doughballs as a starter. I was therefore moderately surprised to be doughball-less when others had received their delicious (and, notably, light brown) doughballs a full 15 minutes ago. As I asked the waiter for information as to their fate, I glimpsed a startled expression flitting across his face. About a minute later, I happened to glance to my left, where the kitchen door was, and was surprised (and a little amused) to see the waiter running around with a tray of something that was on fire, while the chef beat out the flames with a cloth.

My doughballs were black. They hadn't even tried to hide it.
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 16:04, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Cremation
A story that has passed into the mythology of my fairly large family, which concerns one of my aunts who was going to the funeral of a distant work colleague, many years ago:

She arrived about half an hour early on the day, and was admitted into the chapel, where she was left alone with the coffin. After a few minutes, she started to get bored. She saw nothing to satisfy her restlessness in the empty chapel - except a little panel at the end, which provoked her curiosity.

Mourners arriving later were surprised to find out that the coffin and the corpse had 'mysteriously disappeared'.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 20:17, More)

» Crazy Relatives

"That reminds me..."
I was visiting my grandmother while she was on painkillers following an operation. Formerly an artist, she had circulated with a number of artists during her youth in Paris, and she told me a story about the time she met the sculptor Constantin Brancusi. Unfortunately, as she came to the end of the story, her mention of Brancusi would remind her of the very story she was telling
(Fri 6th Jul 2007, 21:58, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

Cunning disguise
For sport about 3 years ago, I was forced with a number of my fellow lazy people to run round St James Park. It wasn't that we were particularly unfit (we were only quite unfit), it was pure laziness that made us not want to.

So we just run round until we're out of sight of the teacher on the corner (who by now may well have slipped off for a crafty fag anyway), then just walk straight through the middle of the park - round a lovely scenic little lake at a leisurely pace, then a bit of running and rubbing water on foreheads to convince him we've been running.

Trouble was, he got lucky and saw us going across the park. So he moved to where he could see right through the middle of the park, and therefore see whether we were cheating at all. Well that was crap so we came up with a cunning plan:

(Mission Impossible music)

We had to think of a way to get round unseen, or we would actually be forced to run. Properly. So disguises were the best option. I stuffed a hat and a plastic bag under my sweatshirt, and have a T-shirt on under it as well. I got behind a bush and emerged, Superman-like, with a hat, no glasses and no sweatshirt, and carrying a bag (with glasses and sweatshirt inside). We then left the bushes one by one so as not to arouse suspicion. Joining on to groups and lone women (to confuse someone looking for lone boys, lone women must have found it weird), we walked straight through the middle to freedom. Top tip: change your gait when trying not to be recognised. It totally works.

We continued cheating in dsguise for months. It was fookin' brilliant.

Apologies for length. And also for the length of my huge penis.
(Mon 21st Nov 2005, 18:41, More)