» I was drunk when I bought this

damn demon drink
whilst at uni, drinking snake bite and black (cos thats all we do) stumbled back in to my room in halls and decided to perouse the delectable delights of ebay. Cue the music and i pass out, wake up in the morning face on keyboard, with qwertyuiop firmly imprinted on my face. I stare at teh monitor and to my horror ive only gone and purchased a fully working replica delorean from back to the future! fired off a couple of hasty emails explaining my 4 year old bro had been "messing" with my comp and got out of it! dude was not happy tho cos i bid 40 grand D0h!
(Thu 9th Jun 2005, 19:48, More)

» Jobsworths

petty jobsworth
well i work in a pretty lame named cine-ma, and its policy or at least in my one. is to not let chav scum bags in to use the toilet as they probably use em to multiply or take drugs. Anyway on a particulaly dead day my supervisor is stood over the drop box and this heaverly pregnant woman waddles up and asks to use the toilet, he then tells her they are for customers only and tells her very nicely to f**k off. cue a very angry husband asking to see the manager. about 2 mins of confering between the three and the woman waddles off to the toilet. MAnager has a "chat" with supervisor. Next shift i find the twunt has been demoted and now has to clean the toilets every 15 mins.

I will not apologise for length.
(Thu 12th May 2005, 11:43, More)

» Petty Sabotage

pettty but great
I have the distinct unfortune to have to share a room with my 25 years old alcohollic of a brother. After a particulaly heavy days drinkin he stumbles in and falls asleep, now one would think my troubles over, but no he then in his sleep grinds his teeth. Im quite easy going but the sound of teeth grinding is one that gets to your very soul and squeezes! so when ever he starts to do that i promptly whip of a dirty sock and stuff it in his mouth. This works exepcailly well if ive got a raging bout of athletes foot! the twunt wakes up wondering why his mouth is so dry!
(Tue 10th May 2005, 10:07, More)

» Toilets

GRAND SLAM!
just rememebered this little nugget from my college days! going out on the piss with a bunch of mates, hitting it really hard one of our group, a man named jordan tollman gets monumentally drunk. Now we are all pissed up but ol' Jordan takes things to whole new heights. So there we are in wetherspoons and he staggers off for a piss, we dont see him for a while and go to investigate, we find his body in the toilet. He apparently slipped overbanged his head on the bog and proceeded to GRAND SLAM, which means he involuntarily piss, shat and puked all at the same time! so we call an ambulance and carry on drinking!

length, girth a girl has never seen such wonders
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 9:39, More)

» Toilets

FESTIVALS ARE TOILET!
picture this reading festival 2004, any one who has been knows to avoid the toilets like the plague they are. Well there i was saTURDay nite bustin for a shit, so i cant take it any more, i bite the bullit and trundle of with bog roll in hand to the bogs! take one whiff and thin fuck that, so i find a little wooded area in Green 6 and decide to drop trowl and commune with nature but in the process of dropping my shorts i forget to do the tuck bakc and i let rip a stream of piss all over my nice clean shorts. And wat was worse is that i had a 10 min walk back to my tent! took a lot of explaining to get out of that one. still i took my shit and can proudly say i have never shat in a portaloo. I feel so sorry for girls at festivals!
(Sun 4th Sep 2005, 1:00, More)