» Personal Hygiene

Not really involuntary lack of hygiene, but disgusting none the less
There was a boy at my school in the year below me who was and, quite likely, still is, a complete knob. Sometimes funny, but only second hand. This, dear reader, is how I present him to you.

He once wrenched the top off the soap dispenser, had an unfeasibly runny shit into it whilst standing on the sink, and, having finished, put the top back on and walked off as though nothing had happened.

No one noticed, because that area of the changing room ALWAYS smelt like shit.

So, some weeks later, some poor soul, I forget who, washed his hands like the good, conscientious boy he no doubt was only to decant a dollop of months-old shit onto his hands.

Nice.
(Sun 25th Mar 2007, 11:21, More)

» Stupid Dares

Pregnancy
A friend of mine was once dared by another friend of mine to approach one particularly large individual in the street and ask if they were pregnant.






Turns out he wasn't.
(Sun 4th Nov 2007, 18:40, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Sacreligious ball-bashing
A few years ago at my school, we played a game known as 'David'. It consisted of approaching your unsuspecting victim, whacking them hard in the balls and shouting, as loud as you could, 'david'

14 year-old boys are stupid like that.

It originated when a tall, strapping, rugby-player of a lad known as Robbie Genn went up to not so small, not so strapping bloke called David Hughes on the bus, whacked him in the bollocks, and shouted, for obvious reasons, 'David'.

So for about four months after that (we abandoned the game then, for our children's sake), no boy in the school had safe love-spuds.

Enter me and my friend Chris, in maths when our teacher had lst the room to go and get something, or whatever it is teachers do when they leave the room. Our maths room doubles-up as an RE room, and hence there were a pile of hefty bibles right behind Chris.

Spotting the chance for a David that would go down in legend, He picked one up, walked over to me, shouted the terrifying word, and gave me an impoosibly clean smack to the scrot with one of the most verbose books ever written.

I doubled up, obviously, and then uttered (when I say uttered, what I mean is wheezed) the immortal words, 'How could such a holy book have comitted such an unholy act'.

I then staggered off to the nearest toilet and was copiously sick, and since our maths teacher is about as aware of wordly goings-on as a dead badger, Chris naturally got off scott-free.

I was just proud to have been a part of the best ever David.
(Sat 15th Jul 2006, 22:31, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

No
But I have heard that you can get someone to Kong your Whopper for only 50p
(Sun 22nd Jan 2006, 13:09, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

Monkey Monkey Monkey
This is a long one for a first post, but bare with me. You'll love it/be faintly disgusted.

I was recently on a school orchestra trip to Paris, and sleeping in a room with some good buddies. There was a tv in our room, so one of the first things we did was check out some french broadcasting, alas finding nothing of interest.

However, at dinner the same evening, some of the younger kids with us told us it would be worth our while to check out channel 22, further than our earlier explorations, as it would be worth our while, nudge nudge wink wink say no more.

Our expectations were low, having received this advice from boys who were only barely 13 and therefore easily impressed, but we did as they said and were, quite frankly, astonished. It was 8 o'clock in the evening and there, for the entire world to see, was a fully naked woman playing with herself. Only in France, we thought, and shook our teenage heads in admiration.

Later that night, we returned to the now infamous channel 22, expecting that later things would become more hardcore. God, how right we were.

We witnessed with growing horror/grim fascination/disgusted amusement, an old man, 55+, with thick body hair in more places than you knew existed (seriously, even the backs of his upper arms had a thick covering), indulging in monkey style full frontal bum sex with a girl who looked barely out of her teens. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then transferred his laughably small love muscle straight to the girls mouth, saying in a thick german accent: "you want to taste it again, huh?" this went on for a depressing amount of time, featuring spanking and, at one point, monkey-man seemed to have some sort of fit, until one of us had the presence of mind to turn it off, just as he told her: "move your poopoo to the right, you enjoy it more".

Anyway, to the point. Watching that extract, that's when I knew my desire to see porn ever again was over (or, at least, severely postponed).

Sorry about that, I just had to get it off my chest
(Fri 22nd Jul 2005, 23:23, More)