» Desperate Times

Minty Urine
I was fairly ripped up in the local pub one night. Girl gets yapping to me that I'm moderately interested in. She sends all the right signals. I think great, it's been some months since I've had any action with someone else present. So I go into the gents toilets, check my teeth for peanuts, check my barnett, realise my breath is probably honking, so while I'm squeezing out my Stella-induced last donkey wee of the night into an overflowing urinal, I get out my chewing gum, see that it's the last one, and then manage to drop it in the piss (mine and others). I must have spent 30 seconds debating whether to retrieve it, and I plumped for minty-piss breath rather than standard grade beer and fag breath. When I finally got out of the toilet, the cow had gone. I didn't feel well the next day.
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 17:17, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

What's the difference between your mum and a boxing glove?
You can only get one fist inside a boxing glove
(Fri 3rd Feb 2006, 18:09, More)

» * PFFT *

Loud one
When I was a student, I went to visit a mate in Cambridge. We went round to a house where there was an average sized living room filled with about 20 people, all smoking away. So I got pretty ripped up, then had a paranoia moment that lasted about half an hour, during which time I had a colossal fart brewing, and didn't want to fart in front of 20 complete strangers. I spent what seemed like a year trying to work out whether I could sneak it out quietly, or whether it was going to be a rumbler. In the end it just dropped out because of the pressure, and at that bloody exact moment the whole room had stopped talking at the same time, heard it and stared at stoned paranoid me. I've never felt like such an arse.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 20:27, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

What's the difference between your mum and Lennox Lewis
Nothing. They've both been stuffed in the ring by a sweaty black criminal.
(Fri 3rd Feb 2006, 18:10, More)