» The Dark

spider-induced wank disaster
Lying in bed struggling to sleep, I had the usual sinister sexual thoughts and decided a burst of oxytocin will aid my slumber and began the usual rhythmic movements safe in he knowledge I had my 'wankrag' (bog roll)close to hand to clean up the inevitable mess.
After the gooey climax I reached out for the wankrag with my 'cum-claw' trying not to drip any rapidly cooling gloop onto my sheets, but alas It wasn't where i thought it would be ,so I flicked on the bedsight lamp, spotted it and reached out to pick it up.
As I lifted it, underneath was a fuck off enormous wolf spider, my involuntary movement, including an embarrassing girly yelp involved me doing another flick of the wrist! Only this time instead of aiding the emergence of the manpaste it served to flick it in a perfect arch right into my fucking eye!
So theres me stark bolluck naked hopping around my room with a cooling flaccid slimy cock and a burning hot-monacle trying to reduce the amount of stinging and trying to find the fucking massive bastard perv of an arachnid, never did find the hairy cunt, bet he is still laughing about it now!
(Sat 25th Jul 2009, 13:51, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

THATS MY COCK AND BALLS!!!
My housemate finds it hilarious to change my facebok status regularly to things like ....has a small willy/is having a sloppy poo/likes children, which i never find out about until i get to work the next day and my colleagues all laugh at me, so knowing he is pretty shit with anything technological I took a photo of my cock and balls on his phone when he left it unattended and set it as a contact picture for everyone in his phone book, and as he is shit with that kind of stuff he doesnt know how to change it, so whenever his girlfriend, relatives, workmates ring him, he gets a good eyeful of my tallywhacker, everytime!! Its been like that for about 2 weeks now!
(Sat 1st Aug 2009, 12:08, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

unlucky in death
It was an extremely sad and unfortunate turn of events that led to my friends dads death. However the funeral went rather well and hilarity ensued. I have posted several stories about my intellectually challenged friend joel and his stupid adventures, and this is no different. When it came to givin ghr speeches in the church it seemed everyone had been given the wrong speeches, cue my mate reading his mothers out and describing his own fathers passion!! His sister then managed to somehow loosen her tongue stud and proceeded to choke on it halfway through her (or her brothers speech) The old wisened organ player had left her reading glasses at home cue her playing all the wrong songs and the 'audience' trying to compensate by making words up to songs, then to cap it all off, my mate was the lead pall bearer and tears must have clouded his vision as he proceeded to fall in the 6ft hole made for his fathers final resting place. Luckily him and his family did see the funny side of it all. A very sad day but with little bits of happiness in the form of amusement.
as for length and girth, call me TRIPOD!
(Fri 12th May 2006, 20:31, More)

» Fancy Dress

easy on the effort
I was short for time whilst preparing for a friend of a friends fancy dress party. I went for the option of attaching a condon to the centre of my face with a shoe lace, it had been in my wallet for months and it needed using somewhere. When people asked, 'what have you come as?' I just said, 'Fuck-nose!!!' i laugh at myself, i know its sad, but it makes me feel better.
(Sun 15th Jan 2006, 15:40, More)

» * PFFT *

Word of Warning!
When listening to your walkman/Mp3 player with headphones in and walking round town, remember that just because you cant hear your farts, it doesn't mean those around you can't!! I forgot this the other day and when on the bus I let what I thought was a quiet one drop, I suddenly heard 'dirty bastard' shouted at me, from an extremely attractive young lady! I was mildly embarrassed at the time but I piss myself laughing at it now!!
(Tue 17th Jul 2007, 20:53, More)