» Turning into your parents

*sigh*
I've finally hit that age where I have more cups of tea than I have wanks.
(Thu 30th Apr 2009, 14:10, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Y-front Kerplunk...
Years back when my kid bro was 3 or 4, he had the great idea of seeing just how many marbles he could fit in his pants. Dunno what the world record is but he easy got 20-30 in his duds.

Full of childish pride he decides to go and show our Mum, giggling like crazy as he waddles out the bedroom in just his pants, across the landing and down the first few stairs.

Now child law clearly states that the bottom four steps should never be used, so he does the kid thing and jumps them.

As he gracefully flies through the air, every single marble separates in his pants... only to be brought back together at great speed on landing.

Poor little buggers face went from joy to sheer agony as balls, scrote, dick and foreskin were nipped simultaneosly between the colorful glass orbs.

...looked like he'd been attacked by chicken according to me Mum.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 15:17, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Jesus Titty-Sucking Christ...
I was about three weeks into my first job as a waiter at the tender age of 16 and doing ok. Polite, friendy, good with customers - things were looking good. Anyway, one night I was dealing with a large table of about 10 people, one being a new mum with a baby in a car seat on the floor.

Their food went out course by course and I applied my best tip-winning charm as I dished out meals and returned empty plates. It was pretty busy so I didn't have loads of time to chat, but I made a mental note to say something flattering about kid to the proud mum. Women love that for some reason...

By the time I took their bill over, the baby had woken up and was in it's Mothers' arms. I seized the moment, stood next to her, looking down at the kid as I attempted to say "Oooh! What a lovely Baby."

Only I didn't quite manage the full sentence. No.

After the "Ooooh!" I got distracted by the pair of bare-naked breasts hanging out of the woman's blouse. I stood with my chin on the floor for what felt like an hour staring at them; trying to apologise with no words leaving my mouth - which, to eveyone round the table, must have looked like I was imagining sucking on them myself.

I literally ran away and hid.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 18:47, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Innuendo at it's best...
Few years back my folks were helping me and mrs tinpixel decorate our new flat. My mum being my mum had brought a selection of about 300 meat sandwiches, so taking a lunch break we chatted about the new place.

Mrs tinpixel was busy moaning about the lack of blinds or drapes covering the huge living room window and how the neighbours can see in at night. As she spoke, the sandwich fell open and some of the meat went on the floor. Carrying on talking, she casually picked it up and threw it out the window... only it missed and stuck to the glass.

To which which my Dad pipes up...

"Oh my! What lovely beef curtains you have!"
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 13:21, More)

» * PFFT *

Blowing me a kiss...
After a night on the town a few years back and feeling more than a little horny, me and Mrs tinpixel race home to bed for a night of not-so-tender-lurve.

Ever the gentleman, I do my bit for queen and country and head south. Several minutes of the finest cunnilingus later, her deep breathing and relaxed body assures me I'm doing well. I am, indeed, the man.

He legs shift a little and a soft moan escapes her lips... "She's almost there. Fucking get in!" thinks I.

A split second later the full force of a silent fart, emitted from an anus mere millimeters away from my face, fills my mouth and nostrils - a vile combination of rotten veg and school-poo (you know the smell).

I almost threw up in her cunt.

Did I get an apology? Oh no... She'd fucking fallen asleep.
(Mon 16th Jul 2007, 11:37, More)