» Blood

Birth.
When my wife was in labour with our first son things got a bit messy.

He just didn't want to come out of there (can't really blame him for that!) no matter what they did. He was the right way up, i.e. head first, but facing the wrong way - babies should face backwards but he wasn't having that, no sir.

First off they tried a ventouse which is a bit like a medieval torture device. It's essentially a suction cup that they stick on the baby's head and apply suction - then pull! The midwife was a big old unit and there she was with one leg up on the bed going red in the face tugging on this thing trying to get him out. Meanwhile I'm sat in the corner feeling a little detached from reality as I cannot stand hospitals, blood, surgery - none of it.

Anyway, the ventouse "pops" off and the midwife goes flying across the room. Not to be defeated she calls the doctor who decides that forceps need to be used. Squeamish old me is starting to feel a bit faint at this point as they stick the forceps in to try and turn him around to face the right way - but again he wasn't moving.

After a bit of a conflab they decide that they need to make a "little cut". At this point Mrs BDMG wants me to hold her hand. To this day I don't know how I did that without falling over. They make the cut, there's not too much blood and out comes Charlie looking like a Conehead (remember that film?) due to having a vacuum cleaner attached to his head and then having it squeezed with a pair of giant pliers for good measure.

We then have to wait for the afterbirth to come out (I didn't know about this bit!), but after 10 minutes there's no sign of it. Cue a bit more poking and peering from the assorted medical staff and then we got the blood. I don't know how many pints, but they shot out of there with my wife still on the bed straight into surgery leaving a trail of blood with someone shouting at me to "WAIT THERE!".

So there I am in this room that resembled something from M*A*S*H* - blood all over the floor, surgical instruments scattered everywhere - all on my own, thinking "FUCK! What do I do now?"

That's when I remembered that there was a baby. What was I supposed to do now? I know that sounds a bit daft but really, you have no idea what to do. I'd never even held a baby before that moment. I picked him up and looked at the mess all round me and just started blubbing.

After about half an hour a midwife poked her nose in and asked if I was alright and did I need any help with nappies? Nappies?! She gave me a 5 minute crash course in nappies and how to dress a small baby and we just sat there and waited for my wife to come back.

After an hour she came back! They'd had to scrape the afterbirth out (yuck!) and she lost a lot of blood but she'd had a small transfusion and was OK!! They let us go home the next day and that should have been the end of it.

But some of the afterbirth had been left behind and started an infection. Three days later at 2am my wife woke up saying she was bleeding and didn't dare move. We lifted up the duvet and it was not good. Pints of blood. I called an ambulance and the 10 minutes it took was the longest 10 minutes that there has ever been. Later on Mrs BDMG told me she said goodbye to Charlie whilst we waited for the ambulance. Makes me well up just to think of that.

I then had 3 days of looking after our new baby on my own whilst she was in hospital. Thankfully she was fine but she did have another transfusion.

Last year I started giving blood even though I am still very squeamish and hate needles. Only wish I'd started sooner.
(Thu 7th Aug 2008, 15:33, More)

» Desperate Times

Pot Noodle
Came home from the pub when I was a student with a severe case of the munchies.

We had 2 things in the fridge. Some green cheese and half a tin of Whiska's.

We had one thing in the cupboard. A pot noodle.

I decided that a pot noodle and cheese wasn't going to work - but a pot noodle and Whiska's?

Tasted all right really, but it was a desperate time.
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 15:59, More)

» Cringe!

Company Bike.
Picture the scene:-

A deserted Head Office at 5.30pm on a Friday, just me and a colleague, Stuart, having a chat - everyone else gone home. It was a big open plan office with those little dividers between desks that come up to chin height when you're sat down.

Stuart asks me if I saw what Sue was wearing today?
"You mean little Sue the Company Bike?" says I.
"Company Bike?"
"Yeah, you know, everyones had a ride! She's being knobbed by the General Manager at the moment, bet she goes like a belt fed wombat!"

Cue very loud laughter.

Then Sue stands up 5 yards away where she'd been doing some filing.

We ducked down and didn't dare leave the office for half an hour.

I nearly didn't go into work on the Monday. She never spoke to me again - can't imagine why not.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 11:27, More)

» Surprise!

Dawn of the Dead
I hate horror films but my mate really wanted to see Dawn of the Dead when it came out (he's disabled and I go as his carer - not that he really needs one!).

Sat down on the back row with my litre of Pepsi and a bag of Revels ready to endure my least favourite film genre.

First scary bit? Fucking Revels went everywhere. Showered about 10 people sat in front of us.

Never. Lived. It. Down.
(Thu 4th Apr 2013, 16:42, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

Helping others cheat is a shite idea
At Uni we had to do some really basic computer programming (in BASIC ironically) but our lecturer who worked in our dept (Metallurgy) was absolutley useless and nobody had a clue how to do it - except me. Having done an 'O'Level in computer studies I knew how to do it, so for the small fee of several pints in the Union Bar (called the Mens bar - not sexist) I let everybody who wanted to copy my programming, it was only about 25 lines and not very complicated - this was 1984.

Anyway, the day came to hand it in and i thought i'd better double check it. Realised that I'd made a crucial mistake, so amended mine but nobody elses as I ran out of time/couldn't find them.

1 week later we get the work back. I got a C they all got an A. Turns out the original did work and my amended version didn't. Bollox.
(Thu 17th Nov 2005, 13:53, More)