» Shame

this just happened
two cute girls came to my door talking about homelessness and reading from the bible about it. i was about to say I was atheist and close the door. after wasting my time for a bit, they said bye and smiled. my heart skipped a beat until I closed the door and realized my jeans were unzipped. shit....
(Wed 30th Nov 2005, 23:19, More)

» Misunderstood

at a wedding
this happened to my uncle, who was very close to being a lush at the time that this happened. with my parent's wedding coming up (im 15) he had the idea to get plastered the same day.... in the morning. feeling drunk as ever, he wandered into a wedding. the wrong wedding. at the wrong time. in the wrong building. as usual he sat down and waited for the damn thing to start. he eventually was seated next to a couple who were, consequently, very talkative. speaking to them, the conversation sort of went like this, from what my uncle said and my parents remembered.

" hello. are you okay?"
"yeah, just... just a little hungover."
"are you with the groom or the bride?"
"the bride. im glad that shes marrying willie(my dad). hes one hell of a guy"
"um...willie? nevermind, how do you know the bride?"
"she's my sister. (keep in mind that my uncle doesent tan, he browns, so he looks almost hispanic.)the bride was absolutely white"
"i'm her brother, and ive never seen you before. what are you thinking?"
"what the fuck is your problem?"
no fight, my uncle just walks away dumbfounded.he somehow stayed throught the whole wedding, never noticing how the people getting married were not my parents. the big problem is that he missed everyone getting drunk out of their mind on the real wedding. i saw the tape and yes, there was more than one human pyramid scheme going on.

think of how more confusing that was when he found out that he was in the wrong wedding by talking to my parents about it.

really sorry about the length, had to tell it. and this is my first post.
(Thu 13th Oct 2005, 0:17, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

besides other places...
on a bodyboard

in the middle of the ocean

whilst failing miserably at riding waves, I guess I gave up. I was oblivious of the waves I was continuously on at the time, no inebriation needed.

Not that I woke myself up, I went over a wave and made a freefall to the bottom of the ocean.

Probably the most terrifying (and humorous) time of my life was to abruptly wake up underwater in the vaccum of a recently-crashed wave with no prior knowledge of the events beforehand.

it was a warm california day, though, give me that!

There was also the time where I got drunk for the first time in my life at a beach. After a terrible amount of flat gin-and-cola mixes along with jack daniels shots out of greasy ketchup tins, neither I or my friends felt very up to going home. Cue a very drunken drive to a swimming pool in the middle of the day, where I continued to fall asleep whilst face-down in the pool. This happened several times, where my friends would wake me up, all with panicked looks in their eyes as I muttered something about being on swim team and fighting them for sleep once again
(Thu 4th Jan 2007, 21:26, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

the all-inclusive will
in my will i will state that i am atheist and do not want a traditional burial. as my relatives read lower after who the house goes and the car or whatever i will enclose arms and legs to people. why? because i think my leg would be the perfect reach-over-the-fridge device and that my brother could make a puncing bag out of my torso region. As a gag i will instruct my brother to bake my ears and nose into a casserole and hand it to someone i dont like. i just wish that i could be that close to my brother before i die where he would actually do it. and a taxidermist...
(Tue 16th May 2006, 5:39, More)

» Essential Items

an all-in-one piece of shit
I had the problem of carrying around too many things, but am good at making things out of duct tape. my favorite inventions are a full-sized purse for a friend, a nintendo DS case that opens up and everything for a friend, and a full-sized tuxedo for a friend, as well as duct tape wallets for anyone that asks. I had the trouble of always carrying around a lighter, a wallet, a cell phone, an mp3 player,and a knife (never needed it, just like it). my "brilliant idea" was to make a line of duct tape that had all of the things taped in and I could roll them out whenever I wanted. When I finished, it ended up being too big to fit in a front pocket and unusable. I still carried it for abot three weeks for unknown pride and self pity. it wasn't that bad I guess.

sorry for length
(Sun 30th Oct 2005, 2:36, More)