» School Trips

Don't Stare at the Monkeys
Many moons ago we got taken to Chessington, and before we could go on any ride, we had to do the poxy biology trip around the zoo. One question on the sheet was about monkeys, and while we are looking at the them, the Biology teacher says to us "Don't stare at them", "Why?" says we, "'Coz they get all upset and think you are challenging them, here, watch" At which point he starts to stare at a little spider (type) monkey.

Said monket starts going crazy, jumping around and screaming. At which point the teacher says, "see, told you they don't like it!" and then, at they very instant, the monkey lepas at the cage infront of us, screams, rattles the cage, leans back, and then launches the most enourmous piece of monkey spit straight into the teachers eyes and mouth. Funny? not as funny as when he started running about screaming " AIDS! AIDS! I might have AIDS! "
(Fri 8th Dec 2006, 10:52, More)

» Mistaken Identity

Heckling
I'm a big chap, and at one point I used to have a big black beard...Any way, during this beard period, I went to see a comedian in a pub, whilst wearing a white & navy blue horizontal striped t-shirt. About halfway thru the act I stood up to go to the bar, only to have the comedian say..

"OI ! Are you that guy whos' been fucking Popeye's wife ?!?!"

I sat back down VERY quickly
(Tue 5th Jun 2007, 12:35, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Mafioso
When my grandmother died, I was going thru the whole long hair and big beard phase, but I turned up to the big irish funeral and did my bit.

At the gathering afterwards, my dad was talking to some random local guy who said to him.

"Did you see that huge fella with the pony tail, beard and dark glasses? Christ! I never knew that the old girl had connections in the Mafia!"

to which my dad replied... "err, yeah, thats my boy"

Que one hasty exit
(Fri 12th May 2006, 11:20, More)

» Airport Stories

This happened before 9/11..thank god....
Me and some mates decide to go to kos on a booze up. All going well, few jars in the airport bar and what not, until we get to security, and whilst standing in the que, my mate,(we shall call him "R", long curly/girly hair tied in a pony tail, tree surgeon so hands
all cut and scratched teh fuck, the most likely looking ganja smoker ever, even tho he has never touched the stuff)decides, becuase it sound funny, to say loudly to his girl "Don't mention the bomb in my bag!"

WOOOOSH!!

All fucking hell breaks loose!, about 4 security just pile him, and drag him off out of sight........We think, ok, just keep going and meet him at the gate,so when the final boarding call comes we are all a tad concerned.....
****2 days later***
All sitting round the pool relaxing, when in walks "R", with his gripping tale of the last 2 days.

Even tho he explained clearly that he was "just having a laugh". The security told him that he had issued a bomb warning, and they had to take all such statements seriously, even if they are made by tree-hugging hippies...So, he misses the flight, gets severly bollocked by security and leaves Gatwick airport to then find out that the only available flight within the next 3 days is from Bristol and he has to get a bus there right away coz he hasn't got much time.

Needles to say he was quite as a lamb on the
way home.....Thank god it was before 9/11,
I dread to think what they would have done to
him after that.....

Sorry for the length, but mummy says it makes me special.....
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 13:15, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

Super glue
As opposed to most of the stories here, this place was (kind of)
thru my own choice.

I was staying at my Dad's place one xmas eve, because I wanted
to see my little sisters open thier presents (bless 'em).
Anyway, went out on the raging piss as is the norm for xmas eve, and came back in about 2 am, thinking, "hmmm, maybe theres a Jackie Chan film on the telly" (WTF?), I opened the living room door and strolled into the darkened room, only to dicover that Santa had
been and I tripped over and smashed one of my sister's
presents, a nice little, old-fashioned flip-top school desk...

Damage wasn't too bad, just a clean break in one of the legs, but
this is where it started going really wrong. I grabbed the super glue
to repair the damage and ended up gluing my thumb to the leg of the
desk. So I had to spend xmas eve night, stretched out with my
arm above me, glued to a desk, and my foot wedged against the living
room door so that my little sisters did not burst in the next day
and wonder why Santa had glued their big brother to a desk....

Needless to say that the old man was not impressed the next day,
neither was he very delicate as he took the stanley knife to my
thumb to free me.

(Luckily tho, my sister never notices the join,or the little flap of thumb skin still attached)
(Thu 4th Jan 2007, 9:02, More)