» Being told off as an adult

You can bl**dy walk!
My mum has never been one for looking after cars. Combining her boot fair addiction and interest in plants the car normally looks like a rag and bone van. Think moss on the dashboard (I kid thee not).

As a driver myself (and not a particularly good passenger) its quite rare for me to ever travel with her. However one unforftunate day I was forced to accept a lift in the Red-Death-Mobile as my car had broken down. Thats when the fun started:

1.) Every time she braked the oil-light would come on.
2.) The steering wheel visibly shook side to side from a "coming-together" with a kurb.
3.) Speed bumps were taken at 40mph+ (think dukes of hazard stylee).
4.) She was not happy about going out of her way to collect me.

Being a male (read petrolhead) I decided it was only reasonable for me to let her know the dangerous faults with her car (and some of her creative driving habits). Oh boy... NOT a good idea.

Full-on hystrionics about how her driving was always good enough when I was a kid and wanted to go to a friends. The more irate she got the more faults I mentioned. After 2 minutes of throwing the car (even more) around she screeches to a halt in a side road screaming "GET OUT...IF ALL YOU ARE GOING TO DO IS INSULT MY CAR YOU CAN WALK!". We werent that far from home anyway so I decided it was probably safer.

The following memory will live with me forever:

I climb out and close the car door looking at a betroot-faced mum still fuming with rage. Tapping on the window she lowers it expecting an apology. With a smile on my face I then handed her back the door handle from the car.

Both of us cried with laughter and had to sit in the car for 10minutes to calm down before I drove the red-shed back home.
(Fri 21st Sep 2007, 18:08, More)

» Buses

Stuart, the bus and Supergran
A friend (Stuart) was a bus driver in London during the mid 80s. About a week after qualifying as a driver, and with a rather packed bus he was merily chugging along.

Suddenly he was presented with a young lad who decided to play chicken with a 10+ ton Leyland. Stuart was rather impressed with his reaction times as he performed an emergency stop. That was until he looked in the mirror. To his horror the elderly lady originally standing by the rear doors was doing an amazing "human-missile" impersonation down the length of the bus. Supergran® eventually faceplanted the "Please do not distract the driver" sign ( her knitted beanie providing minimal protection). She then hit the deck and began to roll sideways towards the hydraulic front doors. Nervous and unsure what to do next...

Stuart opened the doors! Spanging "Dottie" in the face before she rolled out into the high street.

Length: about an inch shorter after her flight but still longer than his bus driving career.
(Fri 26th Jun 2009, 14:07, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Porn Perfection
Why are we totally obsessed with perfect bodies? I fail to see the attraction of the typical self-tanned DVD porn star. I really dont see the appeal of someone resembling a day-glo ironing board with a gigantic pair of rock-hard veiny mellons stuck to it. Gimme an old sack with some soft baps and i'd be far happier!
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 14:21, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Rebellious Mum
A friends somewhat rebellious mother took to printing labels with "Masturbation makes you go blind" in an exceptionally small font. She was working as a librarian at the time and was caught randomly inserting them into books as they were returned.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 10:29, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

Working on a service desk...
Italian caller: "Ma laptop eh crashed"
Me: "What were you doing when it crashed?"
Italian caller: "No No eh crashed"
Me: "Yes but what program were you using at the time?"
Italian caller: "No ai left on roof of car and drove down road. Eh crashed!"
(Wed 31st Oct 2007, 11:00, More)