» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Saw a fogey brawl at a wake once...
...I was about 13 or 14 and had attended the funeral of a distant Great Uncle in his 80's whom I had met only once - when I was 6 months or so old...so naturally I remembered him not at all, and wasn't so bothered by the whole thing - just lining up behind my parents to mumble my condolences to dozens of people I'd never met but all of whom seemed to know me.

Travelled about 3hrs by car to the funeral - which was your bog-standard tacky churchy affair. Then everyone retreated down the road to his local bowls club where he was a life member & a vice president or a president of something or other - the beer was flowing freely, and then about an hour in there's all of a sudden an almighty ruckus from over in one corner. Next thing - fists are flying and chairs & tables are knocked over - and fuck me if there's not a bloody OAP all-in happening!

We left very shortly afterwards but apparently police were called to the club to send people on their way - and the story WAS - that the dead uncle's neighbour had turned up - himself a chap of quite advanced years - and actually had the gumption to ask the dead uncle's brother - at the bloody wake no less - would he mind terribly - to pay him back the $20 (About 12 quid) that the dead fella had borrowed off him a week or so before, as he had been a bit short until pension day. So - as you would - the dead fella's brother responded by telling said neighbour to flamingo off - and throwing the remnants of his beer over him - and it was ON!

The sight of a dozen or so septigenrians and octiginerians arthritically throwing slow motion haymakers at each other and lashing at each other with canes is something that will live with me to my own grave. Truly hilarious!!

...Unfortunately the several funerals I have attended since then have been thoroughly depressing affairs.

So I am considering entering a "Last man standing" clause into my own last will & testament - There's to be a makeshift boxing ring set up at my wake and all comers are welcome to step up and have a go - and settle some old deep-seated family issues with some good old-fashioned fisticuffs in the process! Last man standing gets 25% of whatever I leave behind.

I like to think of it as my own contribution - allbeit posthumously - to some good solid family counselling. You just can't buy that kind of therapy!...Although I think there just MAY be a market for this idea in the US. Somewhere. Probably down South.

But I thought of it first - so hands off you bastards!

Length - Squirm inducing. Girth - slightly rotunder than average. Mea Culpa - please forgive.
(Fri 12th May 2006, 18:00, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Footballing weirdos
A few years back now, the English football team I follow quite passionately - West Ham (although i was born in, and live in - Australia...my maternal Grandad was English, and introduced me very early to the joys of supporting the Hammers.) were playing in an important FA Cup tie...

So I searched online for a likely place to watch this game amongst fellow antipodean West Ham supporters - and found an internet forum for such people as I (well so i thought, anyway)...and lo and behold, they were planning a get together to watch this very game - at the main sports bar at the Sydney Casino - where the main TV screen is a good 25-30 feet acrross, so I thought 'You Beauty!'

Anyway - I joined & chatted with them on this forum for a fortnight or 3 weeks or so - and they seemed relatively normal, and being mad keen sports fans - I thought 'No problem! We'll all get along like a house on fire!'...and so then headed off on game night to meet them at said sports bar at the appointed time in positive spirits - Getting there about 2hrs before kickoff the idea being to give us time to get a few drinks in before kickoff and get to introduce ourselves, and get to know one another etc etc...

And well - OH MY!!!...A bigger bunch of freaky-ass geek-freaks I have rarely encountered before!...And most of them ex-pat Englishmen, it must be said!...And akin to one of the above stories - the first thing to start to clang the alarm bells was the fact they all INSISTED on referring to one another by Usernames the whole time, and indeed pretty much - actively FROWNED upon using real names - despite me asking politely at least half a dozen times that they call me by my Christian name - and not my username.

This disturbed me for one...then when we went one goal down early on - the tears - the actual TEARS that flowed - from grown men - despite this goal coming only about halfway in the first half - just ONE goal - disturbed me even further...then, when West Ham equalised just before halftime - the hugs and kisses - full on the lips in some cases - that followed were bizarre...and then - one completely uninvited bear hug and a sloppy whiskery beery smacker from a 100kg+ almost total stranger on a completely unwilling cheek - was the absolute last straw for me!

So come halftime a few minutes later, I excused myself, saying I was off to the pisser...and then headed immediately to one of the upstairs sports bars at the casino to watch the 2nd half by myself.

I have never since tried to meet up with any such groups off the internet...And I don;t think I ever will. Scarred for life.
(Fri 17th Mar 2006, 11:27, More)

» Crap meals out

Pluck a Duck
Went with the missus to a Chinese restaurant in the city that came very highly reccommended from an Asian mate of mine, and looking well forward to it - when the time came I ordered myself the cripsy duck - one of my very favourite dishes of nosh in any cusisine!

Duck comes out and I start hoeing in....but had to stop every few moments to pick bits of 'grit' out of the mouthfuls duck flesh...but being hungry and figuring it was little bones I thought little of it - and kept eating and picking.

Then the missus asks for a try of a bit of my duck, so I hand it over - and 2nd mouthful in, she makes a face...picks a bit of 'grit' out of her mouth....inspects the duck closesly and exclaims "Oh my GOD! It's still got FEATHERS on it!!!"

And so it did - most of the feathery bits had been burned off in the cooking process - but there - on the skin - were numerous hard end bits of the feather stalks - a few even still with a few charred - but unmistakably feathery ends left on them! The bastards hadn't plucked the fucken duck (Say that 10 times quickly after a dozen pints) properly!!

Worse still - when I called the waiter over to complain - he couldn't understand me - and after 5 minutes of what must have looked hilarious (for other nearby diners) pantomime to get him to understand the word 'Feathers' - he just shrugged. Didn't care.

I also complained to another waitress who feigned the whole 'No English' thing - despite the fact I had very clearly seen & heard her talking English to the diners at another nearby table earlier.

Needless to say - we were less than impressed and got the DUCK out of there after that and didn't order dessert.

Bastards.
(Sat 29th Apr 2006, 11:04, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

The sickest joke I ever heard
Young lady gets pregnant, doesn't want to have the baby, but can't afford the abortion which costs hundreds of dollars.

As a last resort she turns to the internet - and finds a site advertising abortions for twenty bucks. With nothing to lose, she calls them up to be told "Ok - Come along tomorrow at 8 with twenty bucks, and apple and a cookie"

Puzzled, but desperate - She does so.

Walks into the doctors surgery, and he says "Right - let's not muck around here feet up in the stirrups and spread 'em wide!...Now give me the apple."

Before she can protest, WOOP! the doc has stuffed the apple fair up her twat. "Ok - Now the cookie." And SCHLUP! Without so much as a How's Your Father?...The cookie disappears as well. "Right - treatment's over for today - Now come back tomorrow - with an apple...and a cookie" says the Doc.

This goes on for a week - WOOP! SCHLUP! WOOP! SCHLUP! WOOP! SCHLUP!...Until, on the 7th day the Doc says "Ok, I want you to come back tomorrow with an apple...and a hammer" Once again puzzled - but not knowing what else to do - she complies.

Next day it's up in the stirrups...WOOP! with the apple....then the doctor picked up the hammer...and waited.

Eventually this little head pops out and says "OI!...Where's me fuckin' cookie!??!" then BAM!.....

Ahhhhhhhh look - no-one said it had to be FUNNY, ok!?!?

Ahhh, what a simply LOVELY way to spend my first post too! Hello B3TA! :)
(Tue 14th Feb 2006, 11:51, More)

» Child Labour

ALWAYS negotiate up front! (aka - Never trust your parents)
I must have been about 10 or 11.

And my Mother had been chatting to the half-mad old lady up the road (as you do) - and returned home with a proposition for me...Apparently the council had been round half-mad lady's place and told her she had to clear her - rather massive - block of land of lantana ASAP - or they were going to fine her.

So my Mum had volunteered my services to half-mad lady in removing said lantana...And that half-mad lady would pay me for my help. Now figuring that my Mum - being my Mum and looking out for her only son - would have negotiated me some kind of good deal here - and figuring that as I currently mowed the neighbour's lawn every couple of weeks for 5 bucks - that this would be worth a GOOD 10 to 20!...Serious wodgah for a 10 year old in them days!

So off I went...About half a day later I emerged from the wilds - Just about every exposed bit of skin bleeding profusely from lantana scratches. To knock on half-mad lady's back door for my due reward.

Which turned out to be two dollars. TWO DOLLARS!...And a decrepit old toffee-apple that looked like it had been out of the fridge for at least a month.

Throwing the toffee apple away, I returned home in indignant tears, displaying bloody hands and bits - only for my Mother to take pity (Yeah - Feel bloody GUILTY more like!!) and give me 5 more dollars.

To this very day I fucking hate lantana with a fucking passion.

Got half-mad lady back though - Pals and I forevermore went out of our way to pinch mangoes and mandarins from her trees - even when we didn't really want any...and would regularly rattle her front gates and bolt - causing her half-mad dog to go off its half-mad 'nana, and her to have to come out to calm it down & see what all the fuss was about. But we were always long gone.

Sorry - it's rather long. Oo-er. *Insert other penis joke here*
(Fri 17th Feb 2006, 14:27, More)