» Crap meals out

family get together
On my table were my immediate family and then granmothers. So as the meal goes along, pretty good actually, we get to the main course and my gran decides to ask "So why havent you got a girlfreind yet?", yeah girlfriend, now instead of saying "look you dumb bitch im gay, yet noone notices this, do i ever talk about women? ever see me romantically with any?" no no i instead decide to keep quiet out of respect for my parents.

So instead of above i say "oh i just have not found the right person."

Now this old crow will not let this topic drop and you can see the eyes on my brother getting larger and larger as he knows what is coming.

The crow says "So what do you look for?" with my comment of:

"male, female, in between, im not prejudiced, i will pork them all quite happily."

The table and several tables adjacent went very very quiet.

I am actually surprised she did not splash me with holy water and shout "repent sinner!!".
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 16:19, More)

» Teenage Parties

October 2003
Had a halloween party at my digs.

As the night went on everyone slowly got more arseholed.

After everyone left i walked into the kitchen to find two of my mates having sex over the kitchen sink. Bot being guys this left nothing to the imagination.

In all honesty il give them 10 out of 10 for balance, it was quite impressive.

Anyway, these guys werent exactly 'out the closet' so to speak, but were so gay they screamed "put your willy in me" with there voices alone. So i go through the door and they get a bit of a fright, cue one of the guys moving and the other losing his balance, going straight through the window behind the sink.

One short casualty trip later and £50 bribe to a neighbour who was a glazier, landlord never found out.
(Sun 16th Apr 2006, 22:35, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Not the most disgusting
But still. Came off my bike when i was 15.

Due to the spill i took, which was genious apparantly, I went summersaulting over my handle bars, but managed to keep my arms locked in those side handles, so my bike went with me.

Shattered the top of my arms(bicep/tricep bones, i forgot what there called).
Reversed my wrist bones, so both wirsts had a lovely 45 degree angle in them.
Broke a leg.
Broke one of my collar bones.
Tore my diaphragm.
Lost three teeth(they shattered and had to be pulled out)
Face planted tarmac, breaking my nose and cracking my jaw.

Lucky thing? i bought a helmet 2 days previously.

Seriously unlucky thing? This happened two days before summer holiday.

And I still walked home.
(Mon 25th Jun 2007, 23:36, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

first my own then others.
My own second name is Masters. It leaves nothing at all to the imagination.

But the best. While working with a very large insurance firm, of course non disclosure agreement signed so i cant say who it is. But i can hint like fuck though, red sign, white face, annoying adverts.... yes youv got it.

Anyway while i worked there we had the in-office leader board for hilarious names. The top five being:

1: mr randy batchelor
2: mr anil chagger
3 and 4 were a joint policy, these fuckers got married!
3: mrs hiscock
4: mr mycock
5: ben dover, yes it does exist, suprisingly this guy died of 'morbid obesity'.

Think what there nicks would have been.
(Fri 19th May 2006, 0:06, More)

» Dentists

Ahhh the butcher dentist..
In the days of ye olde, tbh it was only 8 or 9 years ago, i had to get a lot of teeth work done. In all honesty this was my fault, being a manky little shit from the day of my birth til i was 12 and generally not brushing my teeth. And from this iv had it all, extractions, caps, root treatments, crowns, fillings, rebuilds etc etc estimated to be about 4k's worth of goods on my gob, i could actually buy some grills with that.

Anyway, so 9 root treatments and 2 extractions and a rebuild.

Performed by the lovely Dr Schuller of Pitt Terrace. Every single root treatment crumbled my teeth within the next 3 years or so, had to get every single one redone, plus that rebuild, rebuilt again.

Did not use enough anaesthetic, so it was to say the least painful. A better description was telling my mum that if i was forced to go back to him, i would legally disown her and move in with my dad.

I now live with my dad. Good point though, he shot himself 2 years ago after he found his wife and her lover in bed, classic.
(Wed 8th Nov 2006, 22:24, More)