» Housemates from hell

chris the army reservist pyromaniac.
I once made a hasty decision on a housemate and ignored all the important lessons I'd learned in previous houses. We will call this housemate Chris, because that is his real name. Chris, if you're reading this, FUCK OFF.

My brilliant housemate Angela was moving out with her abusive boyfriend. Chris was mates with the abuser, but I was foolishly thinking with my wallet and so I said said, "Sure. He seems fine. Nice and quiet." Bad, bad move.

Chris turned out to be a part-time army reservist and security guard, along with all that entails (gun loony, incredibly stupid, liked blowing shit up). He had something very wrong with his body odour; I'm not exaggerating when I saw he smelled like a rubbish tip and I could tell when he had taken off his shoes even if I was in the other end of the house.

He was also a pyromaniac. I'm no snitch, but if anyone wants to know who started a bushfire out in Creswick a few years ago, ask Chris.

His diet revolved around cheap processed cheese. The only things he knew how to 'cook' (put in the microwave or under the griller) were nasty nachos using spaghetti sauce and this shit he called "pizza", which was a slice of bread, the aforementioned spaghetti sauce and a slice of that individually wrapped plastic cheese. As a consequence, he had persistent yellow stains in the corners of his mouth.

He also had an incredibly annoying habit of trying to copy pictures of large breasted women from superhero comic books while watching the telly. It was like outsider art, but inside my house.

When I finally managed to move out, he was super dodgy with the final rent, bills etc. Then he insisted that I owed him money. I went through the math with him and eventually he moved on. Or so I thought. Visiting the town about five years later, I ran into Angela. Trying to contain her laughter, she told me she ran into Chris and he wanted to take me to small claims court. Over $60. Five years afterwards.

PS Just before I left, I let a stray cat into Chris' room and locked it in. It did liquid shit in two spots, including on his bed. I then blamed him for leaving his window open.
(Wed 11th Apr 2007, 8:51, More)

» Pathological Liars

Wendy the liar
What makes this story funnier is that everyone involved were in the hard Left of student politics.

Wendy (changed name, of course) lied so consistently about herself that she eventually rose to the role of President in a student association. These lies conveniently placed her on just about every notch on the Wheel of Misfortune, allowing her to speak authoritatively on subjects like lesbianism and Islam, sometimes simultaneously. How was she muslim? Oh, just a little incident in Morocco involving drug smuggling and a visa-marriage.

Let's see… she crashed her dad's helicopter and survived. Was a junky until her boyfriend died. She crucified an ex-boyfriend's cat with a nail gun. Etc, etc.

She also once drove in excess of 200kmp/h with me in the back seat clinging for dear life on the basis that her dad (so high up in police hierarchy that he could afford his own helicopter for the farm, doncha know) had insisted on getting her high-speed driving lessons.

It all came undone when she invented a fantasy relationship with one of our friends. Being a devout, very funny, very handsome young muslim, he was totally oblivious that she was telling everyone that they had a secret sexual relationship. Wendy then went on to destroy another woman's character based solely on her supposed violent jealously of this relationship.

Wendy was regaling us with a tale of a confrontation the two women had after a meeting, when it clicked that I was there and none of this happened. In a flash, I realised that we'd all been embarrassingly hoodwinked by very transparent fibs. Without thinking I blurted out, "Oh my fucking god. You're a total liar." Wendy got angry. Very angry.

Towards the end Wendy confided to a select few that she was a spy for ASIO recruited by MI5 in relation to her connections to the IRA.

Funnily enough, it took about a year for everyone in that social circle to realise just how much of a liar Wendy was.

Weird thing was, Wendy was physically repulsive; obese, late 20s with braces. She claimed that African men found her hot. This is when I tweaked earlier that she might be a liar. But then, one night when we were out, three good looking African men propositioned her. So I figured the other stuff was true, too.
(Sat 1st Dec 2007, 2:13, More)