» Well, that taught 'em

Number 4
Last one folks, sorry I'm being a bit of a QOTW whore this week after having been away for the last few...

Playing rugby for my local club one weekend i was threatened by a member of the opposing team coming out of the tunnel, something to do with what he had done to my girlfriend the previous night.

As luck would have it, the ball went sailing in his direction at the kick off (i may or may not have had a part to play in that), so i dutifully made my way towards him at high velocity and put in the most horrifically brutal tackle i could muster.

Let me tell you, the feeling of someones bone snapping beneath your body is gut wrenchingly horrible. Anyway, i stood up silently, kicked him in the mouth and sauntered away to the action.

Ambulances were called, parents on the touchlines screamed bloody murder at yours truly (the kick to the mouth was in plain sight) and careers were possibly ruined.

I didnt have a girlfriend at the time but that taught him.

Click "i like this" if you're violently wretching right about now.
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 21:39, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

I suggest we turn this into a new socially interactive QOTW
I call for B3tans everywhere to leave a B3tan "tag" on a local; wall, toilet cubicle, dirty car, shaved in the side of a kitten whatever...

- I think, inkeeping with the greatest of B3ta bandwagons the words "fluffeh teim" would be the best tag to use -

and any fellow B3tan who later stumbles across said graffiti should post it in the QOTW.

Who's with me?!
(Fri 4th May 2007, 2:48, More)

» Other people's diaries

number 3
Last winter my pc crashed and as it was still under warranty I sent it away to be completely overhauled. This left me in a bit of a pickle regarding university work but I managed to bribe my flatmate (with weed and JD, much more effective than money!) into letting me use his.

Possibly not my smartest move, as i managed to lose a powerpoint presentation i had downloaded and had to go searching through all his files for it.

I eventually found it in a folder marked with a spanish phrase (which i now know to be "Private, fuck off") among several pictures and movies of his then gf, monthly compiled sex diaries and movies of various rude things he liked to watch on the internet.

I read a good few months of his comments on his almost daily masturbation and the infrequent visits from the gf and other girls at university. Ther was only one phrase that stuck in my mind, as I've mentally blocked every other memory of the experience out....

"shame [name of gf] was on the rag but least we tried somethin new, chucked all the tampons and shitty condoms into skip outside after [monsieur_flange] nearly found them in bin, told her about it she suggested askin him to join next time, bought more lube"


Apologies for, well, just clicking "post this message" really.
(Sun 4th Feb 2007, 8:56, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

Number 2
One ex girlfriend was cheating on me for 9 months of our 11 month relationship (fair play to her she was very cever about it, anyhoo). The day i found out i decided to break things off with her very calmly and respectfully, offering to stay the night as a "last time together" sort of thing. During the night i wreaked my crafty revenge (on top of the usual toothrush down the pants, jizz in the milk)...

I poked holes in all the condoms i could find in her drawers.

I changed all the passwords on her pc.

I took the fuse out of her £100 hair straighteners.

I took back the mobile phone i had bought her leaving her simcard sitting on the bedside table.

I took some salmon steaks from the freezer and left them behind the boiler, but by far my favourite...

She (and her housemates) were very interested in the tat they show on channels such as E4 (not Scrubs, stuff like Ugly Betty, The OC etc.) so i decided to take back the Cable box i had bought them as a housewarming gift (and paid two months subscription) and removed the fuse from the TV.

They were also extremely lazy and lived in a house with a dishwasher, from which i stole the cutlery basket.

I decided to call it a day and get a cab home after that.
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 21:22, More)

» Gyms

"you dont mind do you lads?"
A mate of mine was on a placement with Marks & Spencers during a year out from Uni. As a result of working for M&S he got to use the kick-ass gym at the nearest Marriot Hotel free of charge. Also, due to security being particularly lacking at the Gym in question, so did I! ("alright mate, yeah we work at M&S are we alright to jus go in?")

After one lazy post-work/pre-pub session we decided to relax in the sauna for a bit, only to find it already inhabited by one (now mentally deranged) Gazza ("Soccerball" legend around these parts for Merkin readers). He appeared to be messing about with his towel in the attempts to hastily hide something - after a few seconds fumbling he turned to us and said...

"you dont mind do you lads?"

Both slightly star-struck we both just mumbled "nah" in reply wondering what it was we were supposed to mind. It was at that point Gazza stood up, dropped his towel to the floor and sat back down stark bollock naked, stretched his legs out and his arms behind his back and let out a contented sigh.
(Tue 14th Jul 2009, 22:21, More)