» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Sex offender by proxy
I was on the sex offenders register. I went off on holiday as you do and left my keys with my brother so he could feed my fish, pick up the post, etc. Unfortunately he also had my car keys. The bastard goes kerb crawling, picks up the undercover policewoman and gets nicked. He then says he's me and gets away with it due to me leading a blameless existence. I only find out a few weeks later when I helped two police cars stop a car they were chasing down the M6. They got the chavs in the car waved me on and I didn't think anything more about it until one of the policemen phoned me up a couple of days later to say thanks and "by the way I wiped the kerb crawling charge off your record." "Erm, what kerb crawling charge? When did this happen?" And it was while I was in Goa. Seeing as only my brother had access to my keys it was a bit of an open and shut case. I never said anything due to the very recent birth of his daughter but I wish I had done now. Because it's partially fucked my life. I used to lead working holidays as part of my living. Not anymore because anyone who's been on the sex offenders register is blacklisted for very obvious reasons. If you're reading this brother, I hope you die of cancer somewhere morphine hasn't been invented yet.

I won't apologise for length, it's not me who's too small...
(Sat 19th Aug 2006, 20:34, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

scrotum - bmx interface
I was 10 or 11. I was on the back of my mate's bmx when he unexpectedly did a bunny hop. I levitated off the saddle and the bike moved on without me until I landed on the back wheel, traveled very briefly with it and came to a excruciating stop with my bollocks caught in the break bits. I was stuck. I had to be virtually carried home where my dad removed the bike. My nuts swelled up and I nearly needed a wheelbarrow. I walked like John Wayne for a couple of weeks...people still remember it now.
(Thu 13th Jul 2006, 22:29, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Political sloganeering
On a Conservative billboard poster: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? And underneath...

I like cheesy whatsits.

Class.
(Sat 5th May 2007, 14:49, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Another one...
A few years back I played guitar in a folk duo with a lass who sang called Julie. We were kind of a poor man's Richard & Linda Thompson. Which was lucky because Julie would only sing songs by R< and Sandy Denny/Fairport Convention, which cut the reportoire down a bit. Now, Julie was fit as a butcher's dog. Of a certain age, blonde hair, a bit like Dolly Parton's rougher sister. Would I do her if I had the chance? Oh yeah, still would.
Julie had a bloke, a big butch biker bloke called Mark. So, one fine day I'm up her house, we've rehearsed for a while, sunk a few beers, and all three of us are couddled up on the couch. Mark's playing with her snatch, I'm fondling her tits and thinking yay, threesome ahoy. Which is when Julie announces she doesn't feel like it. I was somewhat disappointed but hey, what can you say? Which is the moment that Mark says "Oh, if Julie doesn't fancy it why don't you shag me?" To cut a long story short he liked a rough anal shag (which I didn't provide, I must say). Basically, Julie used to rag his arse raw on a regular basis and he didn't like her to stop until he screaming in pain with blood pissing out of his arse. And now he felt like having something warm go up there. It's such an erotic image isn't it? I made my excuses and left and the folk duo split up a couple of days later. (I'd also found out Julie had been working on her back, the reviews are still on Punternet if you know the right name to search for. Hint: dead folk singer.)
(Thu 21st Jun 2007, 19:03, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

Nowt to do with computers but...
My mother said she fancied a Peugeot 206CC for her next car. I say that they're ok as far as I know but they have a major drawback which is they don't have any bootspace when the roof is down. There's a pause and then - "Can't you have a roofrack then?"
(Fri 22nd Sep 2006, 20:20, More)