» Beautiful but Bonkers

"Look at this photo. He Made Me Cry. And my mother cry. Are you going to cry?"
I pulled this girl, Jackie. She has big tits. She was known, rather unoriginally, as Jackie Bigtits. She was gorgeous, half-oriental, with long flowign black hair, alluring exotic eyes and great big tits.

Somehow I managed to keep my natural girl-repellent in check and found myself back at her place, kissing and fumbling like a good'un. We end up on her bed, with only her panties and my boxers separating us. All is going well. I'm going to fuck Jackie Bigtits! I'm already a legend for getting those jubblies out, when the lads find out I fucked her too, I'll be a cooler than fucking Fonzy!

Everything is red hot when she, for some unfathomable reason I can't see now, gets up, wanders over to her dresser and grabs a photo. She shows me the photo. It's an Indian man, 50-60, in white pajamas with a floral necklace.
"What do you see?"
I tell her what I see "An old Indian guy" said with more than a hint of 'less talking, more fondling'
"No," she says more forcefully "What do you SEE?"

I realise now that I should have seen said something, anything. But all I could muster was a shrug. A silent shrug.

"This is guru Mbalmlalmbala [or somthing]. He's amazing. When I saw this photo, I cried. My mother cried too. Do you want to cry?"

Again, all I needed to do was make a noise, anything remotely sympathetic, encouraging. Again, she looked at me with those deep eyes, willing me not to fuck it up. And again, all I did was shrug. Silently.

Two, or five, or ten, or thirty minutes later, in a atmosphere so edgy you could have mistaken yourself for being in a morturary, we got dressed, and I left.

And walking home at 4am all I could think of was how that fucking old Indian twat had stopped me fucking Jackie Bigtits.

Found out a few weeks later she's gone gay after me. So not only did I get zero kudos for getting the Bigtits out, I got ribbed for being denied sex by an Indian Guru *and* for turning a honey into a lesbian. Thanks, Guru whateverthefuckyournamewas.
(Fri 17th Nov 2006, 22:34, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

Business Trip Away? Check Your Hotel Wardrobes
My sister graduated from Cambridge when I was 17, and the folks decided we all needed to attend...much to my annoyance. This meant staying overnight in a Halls of Residence room. So we all arrived, had dinner that night and retired for the night.

Then, for some reason I'll never understand, I searched the room, looking through all the draws and oddly, on top of the wardrobe. Where I found a copy of Razzle.

Result!

17 year old boy, alone, in a hotel room, with a piece of serendipitous grot.

I was sore the next day, believe me.



And now, 11 years later, a married corporate goon, whenever business takes me away for a night to some soulless Travelodge/Jury's Inn/Holiday Inn/Whatever, I still always check the room for filth, just in case. Because - believe me - if you ever chance upon a porno mag and have the opportunity to abuse yourself to it, the feeling of wonder never leaves you.
(Thu 14th Sep 2006, 23:10, More)