» The Worst Journey in the World

the worst......ever
My worst journey by far, and there have been many during this period, was when I worked as a ticket inspector on the trains. I only lasted two months on the job and this is the story of my final night. I’d had enough abuse at this point from kids calling me “Rozzer” to old ladies telling me to “Catch some real criminals”. WTF! I check tickets, I’m not a police man. This last bloke took the cherry though.

It was a miserable day and I was on the London to Manchester, on a Friday night. Not too bad when the day starts but as the night progresses you get all the scum coming out and heading to the cities for promises of booze and fighting. The chavs are bad enough, but the real nasty pieces of work are the business men who think they so much better then you.

Which brings me nicely to the point. I was busily doing the rounds on the train, which was absolutely heaving with bodies. Loads of commuters coming out of London all squished in like sardines. It was taking ages to check all the tickets, collect the unpaid fares and generally being worn down by the sneers and the attitude. I knew I only had to get past this carriage and I was left with the food and 1st class.

Finally I make it to 1st class and there’s this little fat man (obviously pissed) and stuffing his face with food. Before I’ve even spoken he’s told me to *uck off and then rants about he had a ticket but he’s not going to show me. To cut a long story short, we had a bit of a row (i.e. he slung insults at me, I only wanted to see his ticket). It was getting boring so I threatened him with the old “I’ll have to get the transport police” line. To my utter amazement he wanted to get arrested. He literally begged me to call the cops. Then he babbled on about the press and going to court.

I had enough so walked off and avoided him for the rest of the journey. When we finally pull into Manchester I can see him still sitting on the train. I bugger off far a quick fag before starting the return journey and I spot him marching towards me. Again he demands to be arrested but I just can’t be bothered with this so I tell him that I’ve spoken to the Station Manager and decided he can go. He turns and shouts to me that me and my company are a bunch of gutless wonders!!! Since when did I own a train company??

I’m left standing speechless when the station manager actually does come over. “Did you upset him or something?” he asks. I calmly take off my cap, hand him my ticket dispenser and change pouch, and said “*uck this. I quit!” Then I hopped onto a train and headed home.

No apologies for length, I never got one!
(Thu 7th Sep 2006, 17:42, More)

» Conned

Hoof Hearted
When I was younger I had an arguement with my brother about a nasty smell that was lingering in the air.

"wasn't me!" I said
"wasn't me either" said my brother
"Was too!"
"Was not. I can prove it. Smell my bottom."

I lent forward towards his bent over arse and inhaled deeply. At which point the complete bastard farted a wet sloppy one.

I'll never fall for that one again ( I was 27)
(Tue 23rd Oct 2007, 8:53, More)

» Personal Ads

he loves the pussy..........and the bum?
I had the misfortune to work for a company where my two immediate workmates consisted of a full grade-A pervert and a family man. One dull morning forementioned pervert approached me in a very excited state. I assumed at this point he was on the verge of telling me about last nights escapades where his spit roasted a prozzie with his dad (but no, he saved that for Wednesday)

He stood hunched over me, his whole body jerking as though an electrical current was flowing through him. The white spittle that had gathered in the corners of his mouth sprayed liberally over the back of my head as told me of a startling discovery. It turns out that whilst surfing a swingers website for some local fun he discovered an advert posted by our very own "family man".

This was too good an oppurtunity to miss so we got straight on the interweb and pulled up his details. There he was, photos and all, praising the joys of munching on a juicy pussy. At this point I should mention that I knew his password to his hotmail account that he was using for these personal ads. Mainly because he lacked any imagination and all of his passwords were the same.

I decided to take a quick look (re:repeatadly log in and snoop around) at his hotmail account. This was possibly, one of my biggest mistakes ever. There were about six or seven replies from men, mostly old and fat, holding their limp todgers in their hands.

The worst one was a reply to a reply from the "family man" where he stated he was very keen to "fuck and suck" and that he was a "new boy on the block". This was followed with a picture......of him on the bed holding his engorged member for all to see.

Everytime I saw him with his wife and kids, a small blob of bile would bubble up into the back of my throat.
(Fri 14th Sep 2007, 9:15, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Very childish but...
as I was walking down the stairs at work I peered over the banister (as you do) and could see right down a girls top!!!!!

Being the incredibly immature man that I am, I giggled. Despite smothering the giggle with my hand she heard and caught me mid gawp.

I don't care, I still nipped off to the lav for a wank.
(Tue 22nd Aug 2006, 18:52, More)

» Family Holidays

If the caravans a rockin'
What joy it was to get invited to join the girlfriend and her family on their annual Cornwall caravaning holiday. As there are only three bedrooms (one for her, one for her brother and one for her ma and pa) I had to sleep in the living room. Arse!

One night, after everyone had gone to bed, in snuck in the girlfriend for some snuggle time. Despite some heavy pressure from me, she drew the line at a kiss and cuddle and hopped back to her room. Double Arse!

Throwing caution to the wind I decided to milk the balls and relieve some built up tension. Next morning, no-one can look at me and I can tell something is clearly wrong.

I decide to collar the girlfriend and ask her whats going on. "You had a wank last night didn't you!" I protested my innocence. "Everyone could feel the caravan rocking. EVERYONE KNOWS!".

Triple arse! I had to think quick and decided to blame it on a twitch on my foot, which would explain the rocking. I even had to keep up this pretence by twitching my foot every now and again whenever I laid down.

*edit - sheesh - looks like everyone wanks on caravan holidays. Yay me! *


Click "I like this" if it annoys you when people put "click I like this" at the bottom of their posts.
(Fri 3rd Aug 2007, 13:34, More)