» Food sabotage

I've just remembered another one...
A couple of mates of mine and my brother's decided it would be funny, while preparing a bowl of cereal for breakfast at another friends house, to lace it with some dry cat food.

It was utterly foul.

My brother - the victim of the prank - walked over to give the 'mates' a slap and subtly sneaked a peak at the ingredients, picked a chemical at random and casually said, "I hope it doesn't have DL-methionine in it! I'm REALLY allergic to that!"

'Mates' check out the ingredients list, start to look panicked, and let my brother know that yes, it does.

We left shortly after that.

Moler (one of the mates) phoned up later to make sure he was ok, we saw that it was him phoning and were in the car with our dad at the time. We quickly explained what had happened, gave the phone to my dad and told him to improvise.

He did a sterling job, telling Moler that we were on the way to the hospital because my brother was 'desperately ill'. He starts apologising to my dad, who says, "look James, I've not really got time to talk about this right now" and hangs up the phone. Well funny.

We later found out that Moler had thrown up shortly after the phone call through shear guilt. Oh how we lolled.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 16:42, More)

» Food sabotage

And another!
I've never had an answer to QOTW, now I've got loads.

We were having some teas after a rather heavy night, and had a few packets of biscuits to go with them.

Unfortunately for my mate (funnily enough, one of the two who was involved in the cat food incident) his mug was the same circumference as a digestive biscuit.

Everytime he was distracted (often: he's that sort of bloke) I dropped a biscuit into his cuppa. He didn't take many sips from it, so I managed to get (IIRC) six biscuits into it without him noticing.

He soon remembered his tea, now cool enough to neck, and downed it. Or, more specifically, attempted to down it. It turned out that there was a thin layer of tea over a thick sludge.

Some of the nasty paste went down his throat, some on his face, some down his front.

Tea/Digestive paste + rotten hangover = puking. Funny stuff.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 16:54, More)

» Food sabotage

Doughnut death
One of the presenters at a radio station I worked at was a complete and utter twonk. A really annoying pecker who had a picture of himself as his computer backdrop.

Anyway, we had some doughnuts kicking about in the kitchen and he was being a right prick about him having the last one.

So, using a splendid combination of cunning and my intimate knowledge of doughnuts I decided to play a little prank on him.

I gutted a biro and poked the straw-like empty case into the little hole they put in the side to inject the filling and sucked the strawberry goo out of the middle. Quite literally 'taking the jam out of his doughnut'.

I wasn't finished though.

We often ordered in food from a local cafe and their fishcakes always used to come with a couple of sachets of tartar sauce, which no one used to eat.

I snipped the top off a few of the packets, poked the leaky end into the doughnut and injected the contents into the jam's place.

He bit into it and, being the massive egomaniacle cock that he was - refusing to admit he'd been got, finished the whole thing.

What a nob.

This trick also works for a tasty treat. Poke the nozzle of squirty cream into the same hole they put the jam in with and unleash hell. Awesome.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 15:52, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

On the inside of a door to one of the bogs at uni....
Written along the bottom edge:

"Beware the limbo dancers"

It would have been rude not to add "Beware the pole-vaulters" to the top edge. So I did.
(Tue 8th May 2007, 15:46, More)

» School Trips

God I'm stupid sometimes....
My old Secondary school, which for the purposes of this story we shall refer to as Vs, used to run 'The Lake District trip' for all new Year 7s. You'd never get away with it now... health and safety bollocks probably. Anyway...

The trip started with us getting dropped off at a point that felt like half a billion miles from the Youth Hostel, and walking the rest of the way with teacher + a few sixth formers in tow to guide us. After god knows how many hours walking we came to a rather large bog... as we stand there, weighing up the possibility of jumping/walking round/calling moutain rescue one of the sixth form guys runs past us and jumps over it. Turns to the rest of us and says 'great, no problem!'. So, forgetting that he, at about 6' tall would find the leap far easier than me, now 5'8'" short, I went for it - pack on the back and all.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, I didn't make the jump and landed thighskneesarmsfacehands on the far edge.. cue much hysterical laughter from my class 'mates' at my undoubtedly hilarious misfortune. Unfortunately, I had managed to administer two dead legs, two deads arms and a slighty fuzzy brain in the process, so just floated in what turned out to be a seriously deep, desperately soggy mud hole. My feet didn't touch the bottom. I was dragged out, in a rather unceremonious fashion, dusted down and in typical 'old boys school' style told to suck it up and keep walking - limping and with slightly blurred vision. The bog was actually quite warm, so it wasn't until about four hours later, three and a quarter hours after we were supposed to have arrived, when we were totally lost (cheers 'Sir', where's the helicopter?) in the middle of the Lake District that I realised that I was still soaked to the skin and actually getting quite near to death. Still we got there at about midnight (seriously) having been dropped off at about 3pm to begin our week of fun. Rubbish.

Still, the 'holiday' was brightened somewhat by lining my room mate's bed with sanitary bags and coke botles after he'd had to take a piss in a bottle on the coach with our fit geography teacher looking on, Crilly getting knocked off a boat by the beam at least three times (moron) and, on a slightly geeky note, seeing fighter jets fly underneath us on a walk along the top of a valley. Very noisy. Very fast. Very not far enough away from me.

Oh yeah, and the field trip took place in November.

Sorry about the length... had totally forgotten about that til today and got carried away.
(Thu 14th Dec 2006, 23:28, More)