» Not Losing Your Virginity

What is it with Catholics?
A mate of mine used to work in a pub and four girls (underage *ahem*) were in one night and invited him to a party after-hours. One of them had the house to herself while her parents were away for the weekend. Being a nice mate, he rang me and I headed over.

I *was* spotty. And had long hair. And still I managed to end up with my tongue down the throat of an attractive (drunk) girl. Of course, I had no condoms and although a virgin, I wasn't stupid. Unfortunately.

So we walked back to my house where I had a stash I never thought I'd use. And I didn't get her naked. Like a fool, I walked her back to her mates' again (why?!) and we managed to find an empty bedroom.

Within a few minutes we were naked, she was doing something rather rude to my willy and I was rummaging for the foil-wrapped chewing gum. Whoop! About time! I was about to get my end away! And she wasn't even that ugly!

Then *kick*. *THUD*

Her mates were at the door, hoofing it in. We'd even placed a wardrobe in the way and they were managing to shift it.

It turns out they were all good Catholic girls and they were trying to stop their friend going to Hell. Come on. I was a virgin - I was hardly going to last long enough for it to cost her more than a quick telling off from Beelzebub. Especially with this confession thing they have.

Regardless, how many of you have been naked while three drunk women tried to break *into* your room?
(Mon 30th Oct 2006, 8:25, More)

» Dentists

Needlephobic ex
I hope this comes out as funny as it was at the time.

One of my ex's has a severe needle phobia. So much so that even in her mid-20's, the usual method for her to have fillings was to get knocked out with gas. Hardly ideal, and generally frowned upon. Also, due to her weight it had other health issues.

So one day, she was told "no more". She needed a rotting tooth removed and the dentist told her she'd have to have an injection. Even at the thought she went green. The told her they'd drug her instead - using some kind of Opiate.

I volunteered to take her to the dentist's and her mum would collect her afterwards. It took a while to get her in, but finally she sat in the waiting room and then we were called in.

To start with, they put one of those big needled into the back of her hand. At least she could look away from that. Once that was in, a doctor arrived with a syringe full of milky-looking stuff. This he injected into her via the needle in her hand.

Ten minutes later she was fucking wasted.

It was like she'd gone through a bottle of white wine on an empty stomach. Complete regression to 5 year-old status. Giggling, pointing, laughing and unable to walk.

We got her onto the dentist's chair and he asker her to open her mouth so he could inject her gums. She clenched her mouth and shook her head. "OK, I'll pinch her nose and when she needs to breathe, we'll get the needle in."

At this she just popped her mouth open and went "BLAAAAAAAHHHH!" drooling everywhere.

10 minutes later, the gum was numb. The pliers went in. The tooth came out.

5 minutes after that, she was telling the nurse that there were four of me, that they all smelled of poo and when was the dentist going to take her tooth out?

Her mum had fun with her back home. It took a few hours for her to come down, and she kept trying to walk upstairs by herself whenever her mum turned her back.

Apologies for length, but even being hung like a donkey and knowing what to do with it didn't stop my most recent ex dumping me for a fucking lawyer.
(Fri 3rd Nov 2006, 8:55, More)

» Inappropriate crushes

I am a jinx
I used to fancy the girl who played Marmalade Atkins on the kids' TV show. No worries, I was 10 at the time so it wasn't illegal.

She died about 2 years ago.

Kylie? Woof. I'd do her.

Breast cancer.

Kirsty McColl - wow, what a lady. And a mouth on her. I could imagine the lyrics to "There's a man works down the chip shop swglfglfglf fuck me big boy"

Dead.

Do not, for the love of god, let me fancy you. Ever.
(Tue 3rd Oct 2006, 17:08, More)

» And that's the thanks I got

Money money money
I'm too fucking generous, but don't go getting any ideas as I've been screwed over so many times I think I've finally learned not to trust any one. Especially one of you dodgy bastards.

Cunt 1:

I had one housemate who was broke, paying maintenance to his ex-wife, working a crap job to make ends meet and short on the rent one month. Being the nice guy I am, I loaned him £100 (rent was cheap back then) and he promised to pay it back before the next month.

He spent the whole lot on dope, moved out two weeks later with no notice, owing two months' rent and leaving myself and the rest of the household with an increased rent until we could get a replacement.

Cunt 2:

A group of us were going to see Rocky Horror at the theatre and a couple of younger members of our little social circle couldn't afford the tickets until "pay day". I paid for five (two groups - one of three, one of two).

The group of two were just continually skint, though I did end up getting a BJ from the lady of the couple some months later. The group of three became a group of two when one of them dropped out, but right up till now (5 years on) still haven't had enough spare cash to pay me back. Which is horse shit.

So that's another £100.

And why I don't trust anyone any more. So sorry, no. You can't borrow anything. It's nothing personal but I can't afford it!

No apologies for length. You bitches always say it's girth that matters anyway.
(Sat 26th May 2007, 7:40, More)

» Inappropriate crushes

The ex
She was beautiful. Everything I could ever have wanted in a woman - and more. If I'd written a list of everything I wanted in a partner, she'd have ticked all the boxes, added some more, ticked then and then sucked my nob and swallowed while fingering anothr woman who never realised she was bi until that moment.

She was that good.

Utterly, utterly wonderful. The best thing that ever happened to me.

Why was it inappropriate? Well, we had differings of opinions. I wanted to spend a month in Vietnam working for a children's charity. She wanted to dump me and fuck off with a lawyer who had a big house and two posh cars.

She won. I still bear the mental scars.
(Tue 3rd Oct 2006, 17:05, More)