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» My sex misconceptions
A glimpse of something...
My grandad used to have porn VHS tapes stored round the house which (I think) he used to copy and sell at the local car-auction. Good for us little grandkids though, because he would also come by lots of pirate flicks of kid variety (I had Home Alone before anyone else had seen it).
But once, he obviously got a bit careless with a copy because at the end of 'The Flintstones', the screen blurred and suddenly I got a few seconds of porno before he heard the sounds from the kitchen and ran in, ripping the tape out.
At seven years old, the brief, crap-VHS-tracking-obscured flash of sex taught me everything I needed to know. It was only quite a few years later at the end of primary school that I was forced to admit that sex did not have to involve eight people, women did not as a rule wear large plastic penises and sex did not consist of pissing on other people. But my god I defended it for a long time.
(Sun 28th Sep 2008, 21:26, More)
A glimpse of something...
My grandad used to have porn VHS tapes stored round the house which (I think) he used to copy and sell at the local car-auction. Good for us little grandkids though, because he would also come by lots of pirate flicks of kid variety (I had Home Alone before anyone else had seen it).
But once, he obviously got a bit careless with a copy because at the end of 'The Flintstones', the screen blurred and suddenly I got a few seconds of porno before he heard the sounds from the kitchen and ran in, ripping the tape out.
At seven years old, the brief, crap-VHS-tracking-obscured flash of sex taught me everything I needed to know. It was only quite a few years later at the end of primary school that I was forced to admit that sex did not have to involve eight people, women did not as a rule wear large plastic penises and sex did not consist of pissing on other people. But my god I defended it for a long time.
(Sun 28th Sep 2008, 21:26, More)
» My first experience of porn
The five-minute freeview
My first experience of porn was at the age of about 11, when my Grandparents got Sky (proper old sky, with scrambled channels and VOX). I stayed at my grandparents' from time to time and soon learned that after TNT, another channel started. Unfortunately there was little more than an erotic-looking blur, but for a sacred, preceeding 5 minutes, there was the "5-minute freeview". Although I used to get to stay up late when I stayed round, the chances of me getting this past the oldies were nil (only the main telly had sky and we always watched that), so I had the idea of learning how to programme the video recorder. I asked my grandad if I could 'borrow' a tape and he kindly gave me one and labelled it "George's Tape". In hindsight he was probably trying to be kind. I found I could programme the VCR to record sky while we innocently watched BBC1, as long as I left I on the right channel...
The next time I was round, my Grandad, Grandma and I were watching a film. The room was pretty quiet....far too quiet, for at 11:55pm precisely, the classic VCR sparked into life; CLICK...WHRRRRRRRRRRRRR... for precisely 5 minutes. It was a noisy machine. At 12am on the dot, it gave another few clicks. My granded turned to me as he changed the channel to see what was on sky. I did my best nonchalant look. Only then did the tape player spit out "George's Tape" as the blonde on screen waved goodbye.
(Wed 31st Jan 2007, 22:46, More)
The five-minute freeview
My first experience of porn was at the age of about 11, when my Grandparents got Sky (proper old sky, with scrambled channels and VOX). I stayed at my grandparents' from time to time and soon learned that after TNT, another channel started. Unfortunately there was little more than an erotic-looking blur, but for a sacred, preceeding 5 minutes, there was the "5-minute freeview". Although I used to get to stay up late when I stayed round, the chances of me getting this past the oldies were nil (only the main telly had sky and we always watched that), so I had the idea of learning how to programme the video recorder. I asked my grandad if I could 'borrow' a tape and he kindly gave me one and labelled it "George's Tape". In hindsight he was probably trying to be kind. I found I could programme the VCR to record sky while we innocently watched BBC1, as long as I left I on the right channel...
The next time I was round, my Grandad, Grandma and I were watching a film. The room was pretty quiet....far too quiet, for at 11:55pm precisely, the classic VCR sparked into life; CLICK...WHRRRRRRRRRRRRR... for precisely 5 minutes. It was a noisy machine. At 12am on the dot, it gave another few clicks. My granded turned to me as he changed the channel to see what was on sky. I did my best nonchalant look. Only then did the tape player spit out "George's Tape" as the blonde on screen waved goodbye.
(Wed 31st Jan 2007, 22:46, More)
» Amazing displays of ignorance
Foreigners
Having a drink outside a bar one sunny Sunday morning, a dishevelled and quite houdish woman walked off the street to try to cadge (at first) a lighter from someone. She was clearly on a walk of shame. She chose a chap sitting with his girlfriend to pester.
"Where you from then daaaaarlin? Go aaaht last night? Where you from?", she cackled
He answered something about coming from Cumbria, gave her a lighter so she would move on and leave them alone.
But then she wanted a cigarette too. The guy said no, and politely asked her to leave.
"Fuck you then! Yeah? Fucking....and you're not even from here! You're from Cumbria! Fucking FOREIGNERS!"
(Sun 21st Mar 2010, 9:38, More)
Foreigners
Having a drink outside a bar one sunny Sunday morning, a dishevelled and quite houdish woman walked off the street to try to cadge (at first) a lighter from someone. She was clearly on a walk of shame. She chose a chap sitting with his girlfriend to pester.
"Where you from then daaaaarlin? Go aaaht last night? Where you from?", she cackled
He answered something about coming from Cumbria, gave her a lighter so she would move on and leave them alone.
But then she wanted a cigarette too. The guy said no, and politely asked her to leave.
"Fuck you then! Yeah? Fucking....and you're not even from here! You're from Cumbria! Fucking FOREIGNERS!"
(Sun 21st Mar 2010, 9:38, More)
» Advice from Old People
Honesty and integrity
My parents don't get on with my Grandad. My gran remarried and they think he's an ignorant, shallow character who they didn't want their children picking up habits from. He used to sell dodgy secondhand cars, pirate videos ("it's yer trackin' love") and still is pretty shady.
But as his oldest Grandson I see a side of him that they never see. I'll always remember when I was about seven, going for a walk to the nearby shop with him and him pointing out some cock in a tarted-up capri with the top down. That Jewish wisdom twinkled in his eye and he said to me,
"That's what's important in life, Georgey-boy"
me: "What, Granded?"
"Looks." he said with a pause, as if delivering some sort of epic dogma
"Looks....and money".
No idea how deep this went in but I'm a pretty mangy fellow scraping to keep above water in rip-off London, so no fear just yet.
(Fri 20th Jun 2008, 16:43, More)
Honesty and integrity
My parents don't get on with my Grandad. My gran remarried and they think he's an ignorant, shallow character who they didn't want their children picking up habits from. He used to sell dodgy secondhand cars, pirate videos ("it's yer trackin' love") and still is pretty shady.
But as his oldest Grandson I see a side of him that they never see. I'll always remember when I was about seven, going for a walk to the nearby shop with him and him pointing out some cock in a tarted-up capri with the top down. That Jewish wisdom twinkled in his eye and he said to me,
"That's what's important in life, Georgey-boy"
me: "What, Granded?"
"Looks." he said with a pause, as if delivering some sort of epic dogma
"Looks....and money".
No idea how deep this went in but I'm a pretty mangy fellow scraping to keep above water in rip-off London, so no fear just yet.
(Fri 20th Jun 2008, 16:43, More)