» Customers from Hell

Pearoast from pet peeves
I work at an Indian restaurant most nights
so I have lots!

People who think it's funny to order in an Indian accent and take the piss. It's not funny, you look like a twat and do you really think it's a good idea to antagonise the people who are about to prepare your food? WE're too professional to sabotage it, but it's still not a good habit.

People who come in and say "Um, I'll get the one I had last time...It was orange". That's wonderful sir, we serve 20 different curries and 15 of them could be described as orange. I'm happy to reccommend dishes but I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what you want. You do.

People who say "Will I be able to handle the heat?". See above. I'm not a mindreader, I don't know your palate. I take my curry really hot, so saying "Oh, however you take it" is not going to produce the results you want. Just because I'm a white girl doesn't mean I'm as pussy as you are with spices. All you have to say is mild, medium or hot. Nothing complicated about it.

ALSO, people who order a dish and upon seeing it, decide they don't want it and shouldn't have to pay for it. THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. If you ask for a hot chicken vindaloo, I will give you a hot chicken vindaloo and you can bloody well pay for a hot chicken vindaloo. It's not my fault that you don't know your tastes well enough. It's not my fault that you order it too hot for your own good, or suddenly remember you're vegetarian, and I'm certainly not going to give you a discount for being so fucking dumb.

ALLERGIES: People with severe allergies, I understand that it's be hard to eat out. That's fine by me. Tell me about it and I'll be happy help you out, I'll get a dish made without coriander, or cream or whatever. I don't have a problem with that. But do not get angry at me if you only tell me about your nut allergy as I'm putting your korma onto the table. Kormas are made with almonds, and if you had actually read the menu you would know that. No, I can't just 'get rid of all the nuts in it', I can't unmake it. It doesn't work like that, and if you're gonna choke from eating those nuts, don't bloody well order them.

See that table? It has two chairs on it. Therefore it is a two person table. Our tables are large. You don't need a table for six when there's only two of you - it's losing us money when you sit down there and refuse to move. And don't sit down at a table for two then 'sneak' over onto a large one.... You look like a twat and I WILL make you move back.

As someone said before, people who ask for unnecessary things, i.e fresh orange juice. What do you think, that we serve 2 types of orange juice? One that's mouldy and gross and one that's fresh?

Brits who think they're better qualified on curry than Indians. Mainly I love the brits, but saying "oi, I'm from England I know that butter chicken doesn't have cashews in it!!" just makes you look like a twat. Butter chicken does have cashews in it, and newsflash, curry did not originate in Britain. Don't argue with the experts.

Sleazy old men. I'm 17, young enough to be your granddaughter, keep your hands off me. Do you honestly think that a fat, drunk, sweaty, leering old man is going to turn me on? Do you actually think that by grabbing my arse and winking at me, that you'll get a date? Your wife is sitting there looking ashamed of you, and the rest of the restaurant thinks you look like a lecherous old cunt. Stick to your own age.

Yes, I realise that I am a white girl. Yes I know you think that for some reason that is hilarious. But I've heard "So, you're not Indian! HAHAHAHAHA!" way too many times now.
Please. Give up.

Don't get in my way. This is a special message to the drunken idiots who thought it would be a great idea to STRIP OFF and start doing press ups in the middle of the restaurant while I was trying to get past to take care of an epileptic customer in the middle of a seizure. GET OUT OF MY WAY. I know that naked sweaty press ups are very important to you, but that woman's life is more important. I know this is a hard concept to grasp, so why don't you just start with STAYING CLOTHED AND IN YOUR SEAT.

If you can't pronounce something, that's ok - not many people can. But don't pretend, and don't argue with me about it unless you speak a fair amount of Hindi or Punjabi like I do. Because I WILL shoot you down.

Parents: It is not my job to restrain your child. You chose to have children. With that choice comes certain sacrifices - sometime you will have to remove your child from a restaurant. Don't just look at me helplessly as your child attacks other patrons or tries to kick my legs. I WILL ask you to leave if you can't control your child - this is a perfectly reasonable request so please don't look at me like I've just slit the throat of your precious little crotchfruit (although after 3 hours of him I would love to)

Yes pikeys, I will ID you. If you come into my restaurant in your bloody school uniform then I'm not exactly keen to serve you 5 generic shitty alcopops.

If you need to be served quickly, we'll do our best. But don't come in when we have a full restaurant with a table of 60 and one of 30 and say "oh, we have to leave in half an hour, so we'll get *INSERT HUGELY COMPLICATED ORDER HERE*, oh and we'd like at least 15 minutes between the starters and the mains". I don't really like you anyway and assuming that you're the centre of my universe isn't the best way to do things.

Don't whistle at me, grab my apron, grab my tablet (we use tablets to process orders)or try to come behind the bar. PERSONAL SPACE PEOPLE! Yes I'm only 17, but I'm not willing to be pushed around just because you're wearing a suit. Also suits, don't give me your business card and say "Call me when you're in Christchurch". Ew. You're three times my age and I don't want THAT sort of work experience, you sleaze.

I am human. I can only do so many things at once. If I'm running past your table with a tray full of drinks and another with food on it, then it is safe for you to presume that I don't actually have time to get another 16 beers for the table. If you insist on asking me to "just nip down and get another round of JD & coke for the table before you go do those orders, love" then I will smile, nod, and 'forget' about you for the next 2 hours. If I'm busy, be patient; I'm trying, and I'm coming soon. Just WAIT.

If you ring up to order a takeaway, please have a general idea of what you want. I do not have time to read the entire menu to you on a busy saturday night while you say "um....well... I've just got to talk to Sal, she wants something beginning with P? I think it's orange? Actually luv, just read those ones off to me again?". GO AWAY.

Also, I'm not an idiot. I'm studying to be an engineer - this is just to pay bills. Don't treat me like I'm unintelligent, you patronising bitch.

On the other hand, if you are polite to me, you don't act like an arrogant twat and you treat me with respect, I will go out of my way to make your meal a good one. Drinks will disappear from your bill, we'll give you extra naan bread for no charge, you'll be served in record time. It's not hard to be decent and the rewards will be noticeable. Good customers really are appreciated...It's just a shame that I see so few of them.
(Mon 8th Sep 2008, 11:09, More)

» Pet Peeves

I work at an Indian restaurant most nights
So my pet peeve....BAD CUSTOMERS

People who think it's funny to order in an Indian accent and take the piss. It's not funny, you look like a twat and do you really think it's a good idea to antagonise the people who are about to prepare your food?

People who come in and say "Um, I'll get the one I had last time...It was orange". That's wonderful sir, we serve 20 different curries and 15 of them could be described as orange. I'm happy to reccommend dishes but I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what you want. You do.

People who say "Will I be able to handle the spicyness?". See above. I'm not a mindreader, I don't know your palate. I take my curry really hot, so saying "Oh, however you take it" is not going to produce the results you want. All you have to say is mild, medium or hot. Nothing complicated about it.


ALSO, people who order a dish and upon seeing it, decide they don't want it and shouldn't have to pay for it. THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. If you ask for a hot chicken vindaloo, I will give you a hot chicken vindaloo and you can bloody well pay for a hot chicken vindaloo. It's not my fault that you don't know your tastes well enough. It's not my fault that you order it too hot for your own good, or suddenly remember you're vegetarian, and I'm certainly not going to give you a discount for being so fucking dumb.

ALLERGIES: People with severe allergies, I understand that it's be hard to eat out. That's fine by me. Tell me about it and I'll help you out, I'll get a dish made without coriander, or cream or whatever. I don't have a problem with that. But do not get angry at me if you only tell me about your nut allergy as I'm putting your korma onto the table. Kormas are made with almonds, and if you had actually read the menu you would know that. No, I can't just 'get rid of all the nuts in it', I can't unmake it. It doesn't work like that, and if you're gonna choke from eating those nuts, don't bloody well order them.

As someone said before, people who ask for unnecessary things, i.e fresh orange juice. What do you think, that we serve 2 types of orange juice? One that's mouldy and gross and one that's fresh?

Brits who think they're better qualified on curry than Indians. Mainly I love the brits, but saying "oi, I'm from England I know that tikka masala doesn't have coriander in it!!" just makes you look like a twat. Tikka masala does have coriander in it, and newsflash, curry did not originate in Britain. Don't argue with the experts.

Sleazy old men. I'm 16, young enough to be your granddaughter, keep your hands off me. Do you honestly think that a fat, drunk, sweaty, leering old man is going to turn me on? Do you actually think that by grabbing my arse and winking at me, that you'll get a date? Your wife is sitting there looking ashamed of you, and the rest of the restaurant thinks you look like a lecherous old cunt. Stick to your own age.



On the other hand, if you are polite to me, you don't act like an arrogant twat and you treat me with respect, I will go out of my way to make your meal a good one. Drinks will disappear from your bill, we'll give you extra naan bread for no charge, you'll be served in record time. It's not hard to be decent and the rewards will be noticeable. Good customers, you really are appreciated!
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 2:22, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Art students are idiots
I'm an engineer. I'm at an engineering university party. Said engineering university also does a couple of arts papers but is primarily known as my country's best engineering school. Arty boy in skinny jeans and a fucking top hat is trying to chat me up.

ABISJAAFTH: Hey, so what's your degree?
Me: B.Eng. No need to tell me what you study...
ABISJAAFTH(floundering slightly): Oh wow... Don't you have to be a boy to do that?
Me: Apparently not.
ABISJAAFTH: So you can, like, open your own garage once you finish!

Fuck off back to management and psychology, people in skinny jeans and top hats.
(Sun 21st Mar 2010, 11:54, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

I was going to heaven.
I was a christian for the first 15 years of my life. A Hardcore one too - no sex before marriage, being gay is evil, virgin birth, the whole package.

Then, age 15, I decided to sit down and read the Bible through, properly. Not just looking at the passages we'd studied at Bible group. The idea was that it would help me grow in my faith - having a greater understanding of the Bible could only strengthen my faith, right?

Not really. I read some interesting passages about the rules of rape, the protocols of feminine subjugation and the policies of God. I read the entire Bible through - yes, even the endless lists of names in Chronicles. when I had finished, I concluded that the bible was a great steaming pile of misogynistic, oppressive, archaic wank. At this point I started thinking very hard about my faith, especially in relation to science. That was the night that I realised I was an atheist. Since becoming atheist, I've been happier than I ever was as a christian.

Unfortunately that doesn't go down so well with my extremely Christian family. There's nothing quite like knowing your parents believe that you're going to burn in Hell for eternity. Which raises the question - surely Heaven can't exist, because what sort of Heaven is it when you know your children are being tortured for eternity?


Since realising my atheistic tendencies, I've had a lot of premarital sex.

Locations include:

In a graveyard. Twice. Sin? Check.

On a children's playground. Twice. Sin? Check.

Less than 2m away from a good friend of mine (who is still somehow unaware). In my defence... I was a very drunk teenager. Sin? Check.

Yet at 17, I've been in a monogamous relationship with the same person for 2 years - which is a better track record than a lot of Christians I know. Not bad for the immoral atheist whore.


I've been drunk in a church. Sin? Check.

I have no problem with gay people, I support equality for all - whether you be male female gay straight black white or purple, I eat shellfish, I have premarital sex, I have committed the Unforgivable Sin, I swear, I blaspheme, I've lied, i question authority, I wear jewellery and makeup, I believe in evolution and dinosaurs, I don't act unclean when I'm on, I don't cover my hair.

In short, I'm a great big parcel of sin en route to Hell.

Except the best part? I'm not. Because it doesn't exist. Of course, that didn't stop all of my christian friends cutting all contact with me, condemning me as an evil heathen whore.

So fuck you, Hell.

DISCLAIMER: I'm well aware that not all christians are insane. I have no problem with christians who keep their faith to themselves without pushing it on me or the education system.
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 2:42, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Oh here we go...
Being right in the middle of afore mentioned classy teenage-hood, i have a few.. I should also mention that the rest of my family is highly Destiny Church styles religious..

Age 13: No shoes for a month. My feet hurt like fuck afterwards...

Age 14: Discovered the joys of alcohol and boys. Sculled a litre of Smirnoff for a dare and blacked out. To this day I don't really know what I was trying to prove..
Told my parents that I was giving up Christianity in favour of the Nympho's church. (went down like a thai hooker). Snuck into r18 movies because i was 'so mature'.

Age 15: After copious amounts of alcohol and few mystery pills, decided that the obvious thing to do would be to streak past the parent's church (yes this was on a sunday morning...classy).
Brought a male friend home and told my parents that he was a gay christian..
Collected about 8 male friends in my room, shut the door and made lots of sex noises, thumping squealing, then came out with messy hair and told my parents and their vicar that we'd had an orgy.

Age 16: Settled into the usual teenage routine of drinking and burning :)
Threatened my boyfriend's little brother with a flamethrower. Left a nice big burn mark on boyfriend's ceiling. Oops...

And I still consider myself normal, yes
EDIT: *pop*
(Fri 20th Jul 2007, 6:04, More)