» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

Well...
I lost my hand in a tragic car accident. Luckily, I managed to get a transplant - a 15 year old girl had recently carked it, so they attached her thankfully still fresh hand to my stump.

It's great now - every time I have a wank, it's like someone half my age is doing it.
(Sun 7th Dec 2008, 12:26, More)

» Council Cunts

More SCC cuntitude:
More evidence of Sheffield City Council's cuntery lies in the number of listed buildings which have mysteriously burnt down when the council weren't granted permission to knock them down and build an eyesore on the site. Arson is bad enough when it's a private individual trying to cash in. When it's the democratically elected leaders of your local authority, it sticks in the craw somewhat.
(Thu 26th Jul 2007, 11:42, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

Shudder...
Back in the mists of time, when I was a callow student, wet behind the ears, I ended up going through the worst sexual experience of my life so far.

I'd gone out with a load of mates; I think it was someone's birthday or something. We went to a restaurant in town where I drank a bottle of wine in double-quick time, and declined any food. This was probably a good thing, as shortly after drinking the wine, I farted and filled my pants with sludgy shit.

I took myself to the toilets and cleaned myself up as best I could; I probably should have thrown my pants away, but I just wiped them off and pulled them back up. I can even remember the pattern - dark blue paisley. Well, on the outside at least. On the inside, they were kind of orangey brown.

After this incident, I went back outside to the restaurant and carried on blithely drinking, although I was a bit more careful about farting now. We've all done that thing where you clench your anus tight shut and gently let a bit of fart out to make sure that it's not 'hard gas'; I'd learnt my lesson at this point and thought that shitting myself twice in one evening would just be unacceptable.

Someone decided we'd go clubbing. This sounded like an excellent idea to me - despite having pants full of diarrhoea and a liverful of alcohol, I was in the mood for a fuck and more spirits. No one had noticed that I'd pappered my trolleys (and to the best of my knowledge, no one knew up until I admitted it in this post), so I was good to go.

We got to the club and proceeded to look around for booty and drink more alcohol. I went to the bar to get some boozes, and in my addled state, thought that a good method of pulling would be to start rubbing my winklepiece against the lady who was stood in front of me in the queue. Luckily - or perhaps not - the lady in question didn't immediately punch me in the face, but reciprocated by rubbing her arse into my groin.

When she turned around and winked at me, I immediately noticed why she hadn't minded. She had a face like the proverbial bag of spanners; a short mop of ginger hair framed a face that could charitably be described as 'homely'. We got our drinks and moved away from the bar, where we started necking away like a couple of horny teenagers - which in fairness to me, I was. She, however, was 38.

After coming up for air, we decided to continue things back at my house. Unbeknown to me, most of my mates had come back to our house and were sat smoking in the front room when we got in. I shepherded my 'prize catch' upstairs before my mates could see her too much - I did hear some laughter as I went though.

Once we got in my room, I had to disrobe quickly and throw my stained pants into a corner so that she didn't notice the crap in them - although to be honest, she probably wouldn't have minded that much. She took her clothes off, and I was put in mind of a slightly underset blancmange - and to top it off, she had a shaven twat and an enormous scar on her pubic mound.

Due to the amount I'd drunk, I was finding it a bit difficult to get it up; however, I was a gentleman and started lapping away at her flaps like a dog at hot soup. She seemed to enjoy it; I was starting to feel a bit nauseated by a combination of the drink I'd consumed and the fact that I was eye-to-eye with the scar on her minge.

We stopped soon after; I'm not sure whether she actually came or not, but she seemed to have a good time. We lay there and chatted a bit; I found out that she was a bouncer and that she had a husband and a daughter my age. Lovely. This is also when I found out that she was 38 years old - exactly twice as old as I was.

We decided to leave it there. There was no future in our relationship - there was the age difference, her husband, and the fact that I was becoming more and more revolted by her as I sobered up. She got dressed and went downstairs as I put on my dressing gown and followed.

We called for a taxi from the front room, where all my smirking friends still sat. She dished out fags to them all, which seemed to please them, and then informed everyone that I'd 'got what I wanted'. Her taxi arrived soon after, and she fucked off into the night, never to be seen again. Thankfully.

Obviously, my mates - quite rightly - took the piss out of me forever after, and I sometimes shudder as I think of what I did. Mind you, I might have pulled a troll, but she pulled a drunken idiot who'd previously sharted and then rubbed his cock against her fat arse at the bar. I'm not sure anyone comes out of this story well.

She's still the oldest woman I've ever fucked. I wouldn't say never again, but I'm hopefully never going to shit myself and pull a fat, ugly female bouncer with a scarred fanny again.
(Sat 6th Dec 2008, 19:27, More)

» Stuff I've found

In the woods, near my house...
I must have been very young, but I was allowed out in the woods with friends from the age of about 7 as they were very safe, I was very independent, and paedos didn't exist in those days.

One day, me, my brother and a friend of ours were in the woods, parking about as you do. We played on rope swings, kindly put there by bigger boys; we climbed trees (from which said friend had a shit - it landed with a satisfying 'plop' in the river beneath, and we called him a tramp for wiping his arse on leaves), and we went exploring through copses and thickets.

At one point, we came across a small clearing, and happened upon a wondrous sight. An older, ginger boy - probably about 14 or 15 - was sat on a bit of log, enthusiastically wanking his angry-looking cock for all he was worth.

Being young, we had fuck-all idea what he was doing - but it was clearly something very wrong indeed - and given the look on his face, pretty painful to boot. Concerned for his safety, we did he only thing we could - shouted 'ginger' at him and ran like fuck back the way we'd come, emerging breathless and laughing into the meadow a few moments later.

The boy never gave chase; I can only assume that he either ran off in the other direction, ashamed at being caught wanking by persons unknown, or that he completed the task with the dogged determination he'd shown.

I myself didn't take up my own masturbatory career until several years later, by which time such was my desire for self-abuse that it would have taken a lot more than a thin, reedy trio of voices shouting 'ginger' at me to put me off my stroke, so I can only assume the latter.
(Sun 9th Nov 2008, 0:33, More)

» * PFFT *

The shame... oh, the shame.
I used to work in a convenience store, along with my elder brother and a few other idiotic reprobates who shared a similar sense of humour and a general reticence to do any work. One perennial favourite when it came to wasting time was to brew up a bumtrump and then run to a colleague and press your arse against them, before letting it out. Childish, yes, but infinitely more amusing than dealing with smack-head shoplifters or old ladies who stank of piss and paid in 2p pieces.

So. There we were one night, and me and my sibling happened to be behind the tills, bored as usual, with a couple of hours to go until we could shut the shop and get wasted. I have pretty rotten guts at the best of times, and the amount of drinking we used to do only made them worse. This particular night I had a proper rasper on its way, and decided that my brother was the worthiest - and nearest - recipient for this somewhat pungent gift.

I leapt over to him, and tried to press my behind against his thigh, but, no fool he, he'd worked out my game and tried to struggle free. This had the unfortunate effect of his balls somehow ending up pressed against my arse as I let out a mighty bottom burp, which must have warped and wobbled his nuts like two eggs in a pan of boiling water.

We never spoke of this afterwards, and the game was tacitly deemed too dangerous to play, ever again. So there you have it; I farted on my brother's balls.
(Tue 17th Jul 2007, 14:55, More)