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» Tightwads
Beer
Let's just say I had something of a reputation for tightness. (Completely undeserved I might add).
I once bought some beer from Netto as liquid accompaniment to a poker session round a mate's.
Being somewhat "careful" with money and good with numbers, I worked out that, in terms of the alcohol being consumed, it was better value to buy 16 cans of Norseman Lager (at a blistering 1.39% ABV and 65 for 4 cans) rather than Normal Beer.
(I kid you not about the 2nd decimal place. They were so keen to promote their beer that they felt justified in giving it that second decimal place).
Believe me it is not possible to drink quickly enough to get drunk. It was easier to just sit on the toilet drinking rather than have to get up constantly. Or even better, just throw it straight down the growler.
(Consider the Science: This muck is about 3 times weaker than Proper Beer. A good pace is 2 pints an hour, therefore you have to drink 6 pints of this stuff to acheive the same effects. Have you ever tried to drink 6 pints an hour, every hour, until the end of the night? Imagine the strain on the old bladder. Oooooo.).
The final impossibility is then to try and lose the title of "Weak Beer Man".
Bugger.
(Mon 27th Oct 2008, 10:32, More)
Beer
Let's just say I had something of a reputation for tightness. (Completely undeserved I might add).
I once bought some beer from Netto as liquid accompaniment to a poker session round a mate's.
Being somewhat "careful" with money and good with numbers, I worked out that, in terms of the alcohol being consumed, it was better value to buy 16 cans of Norseman Lager (at a blistering 1.39% ABV and 65 for 4 cans) rather than Normal Beer.
(I kid you not about the 2nd decimal place. They were so keen to promote their beer that they felt justified in giving it that second decimal place).
Believe me it is not possible to drink quickly enough to get drunk. It was easier to just sit on the toilet drinking rather than have to get up constantly. Or even better, just throw it straight down the growler.
(Consider the Science: This muck is about 3 times weaker than Proper Beer. A good pace is 2 pints an hour, therefore you have to drink 6 pints of this stuff to acheive the same effects. Have you ever tried to drink 6 pints an hour, every hour, until the end of the night? Imagine the strain on the old bladder. Oooooo.).
The final impossibility is then to try and lose the title of "Weak Beer Man".
Bugger.
(Mon 27th Oct 2008, 10:32, More)
» Pointless Experiments
Home-brew
I brew things. In the past I reckon there is very little me and dave (shameless plug for dmonbeer) haven't tried fermenting:
Coca cola (not the good stuff - cheap asda rip-off. Bloody awful)
Marrow (don't believe the hype. Goddam awful)
Pea pod (despite the promises, this actually tastes worse than it sounds).
Chilli beer. This was in the days where chilli beer first hit the market in the UK. Many mistakes were made here:
1. Thinking chilli beer might actually be a good idea (it isn't);
2. Thinking for 1 chilli per litre of beer "should be about right" (it isn't)
3. Ensuring that the maximum heat from the chilli enters the beer by cutting the infernal fruit open to expose the delicious seeds
4. Not trying it out on 1 litre before contaminating the whole batch (23 litres).
Imagine the hottest kebab you've ever tasted, dissolved in nitric acid and carefully blended with beer by someone who really shouldn't have.
I managed to drink a quarter of a pint.
A friend of mine took some for a forfeit pint in some bizarre drinking game/ritual.
Just before I saw sense and through it down the sink, I decided to make gravy with it. I hadn't thought it was possible to make it taste worse.
That quickly followed the beer down the sink too.
Learned my lesson since then.
(Fri 25th Jul 2008, 12:34, More)
Home-brew
I brew things. In the past I reckon there is very little me and dave (shameless plug for dmonbeer) haven't tried fermenting:
Coca cola (not the good stuff - cheap asda rip-off. Bloody awful)
Marrow (don't believe the hype. Goddam awful)
Pea pod (despite the promises, this actually tastes worse than it sounds).
Chilli beer. This was in the days where chilli beer first hit the market in the UK. Many mistakes were made here:
1. Thinking chilli beer might actually be a good idea (it isn't);
2. Thinking for 1 chilli per litre of beer "should be about right" (it isn't)
3. Ensuring that the maximum heat from the chilli enters the beer by cutting the infernal fruit open to expose the delicious seeds
4. Not trying it out on 1 litre before contaminating the whole batch (23 litres).
Imagine the hottest kebab you've ever tasted, dissolved in nitric acid and carefully blended with beer by someone who really shouldn't have.
I managed to drink a quarter of a pint.
A friend of mine took some for a forfeit pint in some bizarre drinking game/ritual.
Just before I saw sense and through it down the sink, I decided to make gravy with it. I hadn't thought it was possible to make it taste worse.
That quickly followed the beer down the sink too.
Learned my lesson since then.
(Fri 25th Jul 2008, 12:34, More)
» Stupid Dares
Unfortunately not biscuits
I still can't believe I did this for a dare. No money changed hands, although the kudos I've received over the years has been impressive.
The scene: Union bar in Manchester. End of year.
We'd had a few drinks.
My "mate" returns from one of his many bar trips to announce that he'd arranged a challenge for me. To this day I have no idea how he managed to convince a complete strangler to race me in consuming a shot of bourbon...
Through a straw...
Without using our mouths...
Even in my state of advanced inebriation, I was unconvinced by this suicidal race. His mates and my "friends" unsurprisingly were more enthusiastic. I remember expressing myself fairly graphically at the time but once the spirits were placed in front the fog descended and it became Death or Glory. (incidentally, there were no straws available behind the bar and some research was conducted into alternatives - believe me, nothing at all works very well).
Well it's not easy drinking through your nose. It requires inhaling deeply through the nose, waiting for it to touch the back of your throat before swallowing.
Add to this difficulty the searing pain of snorting alcohol. Every action is agony. My nose burned like flaming coal was being skull-fcuked up there. My right eye felt like it was going to explode. Bizarrely, my left arm went completely numb.
And to top it all, I hate bourbon (although this came fairly low down on my list of problems).
Halfway through and I was struggling. Looking up I good see a mirror of my own pain in his face: The race was still on and I could feel my second wind coming.
Various liquids had built up in my right nostril making progress difficult. In error I decided to continue with the left which was a mistake as now I couldn't see through either eye, and both arms were in trouble.
Eventually a winner emerged: It wasn't me. John my "mate" was in tears of laughter and the victor stood triumphant (if a little unsteadily) among his admiring groupies. I headed to the toilet to try and quell the pain with a little cold water. (Even harder than it sounds).
A week later and I still couldn't smell or see properly, although feeling had returned to my faulty limbs.
And what did I get out of it? Shouldn't really grumble about getting a free shot I suppose, and I did gain the experience to know that I would rather have the biscuits rammed up my nose.
Epilogue
I never thought I'd meet another imbecile stupid enough to attempt this, but I was wrong!
A few years ago I went to a party where the conversation moved towards stupid things we'd being dared to do. Obviously the bourbon incident came up and I asked him what he'd used to inhale the whisky (re: the difficultly in finding straws at bars), to which the answer came back: "I just put the bottle-top close to my nose and inhaled". Bottle-top? "Wimp". Still, much respect has gained all round.
Length? I have no idea, 'though the effects lasted a week.
(Fri 2nd Nov 2007, 12:23, More)
Unfortunately not biscuits
I still can't believe I did this for a dare. No money changed hands, although the kudos I've received over the years has been impressive.
The scene: Union bar in Manchester. End of year.
We'd had a few drinks.
My "mate" returns from one of his many bar trips to announce that he'd arranged a challenge for me. To this day I have no idea how he managed to convince a complete strangler to race me in consuming a shot of bourbon...
Through a straw...
Without using our mouths...
Even in my state of advanced inebriation, I was unconvinced by this suicidal race. His mates and my "friends" unsurprisingly were more enthusiastic. I remember expressing myself fairly graphically at the time but once the spirits were placed in front the fog descended and it became Death or Glory. (incidentally, there were no straws available behind the bar and some research was conducted into alternatives - believe me, nothing at all works very well).
Well it's not easy drinking through your nose. It requires inhaling deeply through the nose, waiting for it to touch the back of your throat before swallowing.
Add to this difficulty the searing pain of snorting alcohol. Every action is agony. My nose burned like flaming coal was being skull-fcuked up there. My right eye felt like it was going to explode. Bizarrely, my left arm went completely numb.
And to top it all, I hate bourbon (although this came fairly low down on my list of problems).
Halfway through and I was struggling. Looking up I good see a mirror of my own pain in his face: The race was still on and I could feel my second wind coming.
Various liquids had built up in my right nostril making progress difficult. In error I decided to continue with the left which was a mistake as now I couldn't see through either eye, and both arms were in trouble.
Eventually a winner emerged: It wasn't me. John my "mate" was in tears of laughter and the victor stood triumphant (if a little unsteadily) among his admiring groupies. I headed to the toilet to try and quell the pain with a little cold water. (Even harder than it sounds).
A week later and I still couldn't smell or see properly, although feeling had returned to my faulty limbs.
And what did I get out of it? Shouldn't really grumble about getting a free shot I suppose, and I did gain the experience to know that I would rather have the biscuits rammed up my nose.
Epilogue
I never thought I'd meet another imbecile stupid enough to attempt this, but I was wrong!
A few years ago I went to a party where the conversation moved towards stupid things we'd being dared to do. Obviously the bourbon incident came up and I asked him what he'd used to inhale the whisky (re: the difficultly in finding straws at bars), to which the answer came back: "I just put the bottle-top close to my nose and inhaled". Bottle-top? "Wimp". Still, much respect has gained all round.
Length? I have no idea, 'though the effects lasted a week.
(Fri 2nd Nov 2007, 12:23, More)