» Cringe!

Male menstruation problems
One of my friends ( I don't care if you think it's me. You don't know who I am) had such badly bleeding piles that it left a layer of blood floating at the bottom of the bowl of the office toilet after he's flushed away his poo. Don't ask me why he didn't notice it, but the next person into the cubicle did. It was duly reported to the building manager and lots of hoo-har ensued. The result of which was that the women in the office were banned from flushing away their used sanitary products (and presumably unused ones too) as backflow from the ladies' toilet was (obviously!) the most likely source of blood in a man's toilet. Not only did my friend not admit that it was him, but he continued not going to the doctor and stopped pooing at work further confirming that the fault lay with lady parts.
(Tue 2nd Dec 2008, 15:40, More)

» Customers from Hell

Not a customer from hell...just an idiot or 2
I work in a voice-over recording studio and one of the services we provide is recording on-hold messages for companies (...Please continue to hold. We really value your call.... that sort of thing). To go along with this we also supply either CD players or mp3 players to host the on-hold message.

I took a phone call one day that went something like this...


Me: Hello how can I help you

1st man: Hello. I work for (insert major blue chip company name here) and we're buying an mp3 player from you for our on hold system. Can you tell me what kind of files that uses?

Me: errr...? MP3s. (thinks -Is this a trick question?)

1st man: Hmmph..(lots of I don't understand oos and ahs)...just a minute.

(sounds of phone being passed to someone else)

2nd man: Hello. I'm buying an mp3 player from you and need to know what kind of files it plays...

(Sounds of me repeatedly banging my head on my desk).........
(Tue 9th Sep 2008, 11:55, More)

» Call Centres

Might not quite be on-topic
As part of my job I record IVR prompts for companies, 'press 1 for this press 2 for that,' that kind of thing.

I did one for the national immigration advice line not that long ago which went something like, 'Welcome to the national immigration advice line. Please note that we cannot offer any advice on this line.'

Good eh?!
(Mon 7th Sep 2009, 13:39, More)

» Common

Which is which
I have lived all my life in the Mighty North of the UK although I have migrated from the eastern side to the Western and wherever I've lived I have happened upon a great debate taking place, which I shall thake this opportunity to canvas your opinions on/start a fight.

Scone.

Is is posh to say scone (rhymes with gone) or scone (rhymes with cone)? Everyone I know Oop North wants to avoid being posh.

I've found no definitive answer to this in any place I've lived.

The most conclusive I've heard is, "They say 'scone' (rhymes with cone) down South, so 'scone' (rhymes with gone) must be correct."
(Tue 21st Oct 2008, 14:18, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Double double entendre.
A while ago I shared a house with 4 friends and we'd all been down the pub on a Friday night where we had been joined by my girlfriend. We all went back to ours and stood around in the lounge drinking further beers and flicking through the channels on the telly. This was in channel 5's early days when there was a regular supply of smut aired on a Friday night and the '5' button was being selected a disproportionate amount as we watched 5 channels at once. As we watched TV we were wisecracking at the awfulness of the shows we were seeing - aided by the amount of ale we had imbibed over the course of the evening. Only one such comment can I remember and it was one my girlfriend made (she's now my wife if anyone's interested!). Having just had a lingering look at channel 5's soft-as-mr-Floppy-porn and laughed ourselves silly at it the channel was changed to another film, this one set in Victorian England. On the screen there was a lady dressed up for going out in Winter with a big coat and hat on and her hands inserted into one of those fur tube things. Out of my girlfriends mouth came the words, "Oooo, she's got a big muff." Cue 4 slightly pissed blokes collapsing in fits of laughter for what seemed like ages and a huffy looking girlfriend. Eventually one of us regained enough control to say to her, "I bet you're glad you said that aren't you?" to which she replied, "Yeah. Dead chuffed." and the room erupted again.


She still hates it when I tell that story.
(Mon 16th Jun 2008, 12:19, More)