» Evil Pranks

Unsettling more than evil....
A long time ago, I was at Uni in Brighton with a rather strange young man who I'll call Geoff. Nice enough guy, but a little odd (he carried a dead mouse around in his pocket at one time...) Like most students, Geoff used to frequent the local second hand shops, and one day he came back to College with an old Jim'll Fix It annual from about 10 years previous (I said he was odd). As he was looking through it he drew our attention to a section for letters from kids who had never had their 'Fix Its' granted, but who the publishers thought to include anyway; one was from a girl in Brighton with a rather distinctive last name, which Geoff commented on (I can't remember what, or what she asked for - something along the lines of driving in a limo with Kajagoogoo). No one thought any more about it. Then we found out what he had done....

He'd gone through the Brighton phonebook and found an entry for someone with the same distinctive surname; at this point I think he was just satisfying his curiosity, but something got the better of him. He rang the number, and when the woman answered he asked her if, as a young girl, she'd written into Jim'll Fix It? She said that yes, she had - Geoff then said he was ringing from the BBC. Jim'll Fix It was coming back on TV, and as part of their new series they were revisiting all the old Fix Its that never made it to air the first time round and granting the old wishes. Oh my god, said the woman, am I going to be on telly driving in a limo with Kajagoogoo? Yes, said Geoff, who could have left it at that. Instead, he formed a more complex plan.

He asked the woman if he could meet up with her to discuss her Fix It in more detail, do an interview for Look In magazine, that sort of thing, and suggested they convene at Brighton Pier the following day. She, of course, said yes. Now Geoff didn't look like your average BBC employee (dirty bleached blonde hair, lots of leather, dead mouse in pocket), so that evening he borrowed a smart suit and briefcase and the next morning cleaned himself up and toddled off to his meeting at the Pier.

The woman turned up with her mum, similarly excited; a newly-smartened Geoff, resplendent in his borrowed suit and tie, bought them both a cup of tea. He then told them that the next week, a car containing Jimmy Saville himself would be dispatched to East Sussex, complete with camera crew, to record the start of the lucky ladies' journey to the BBC studios where she would be met by Kajagoogoo or whatever, and her dream would come true. Her Fix It would be the cornerstone of the first show of the new series. She was to dress in all her finery and be ready to be picked up at 11am sharp next Tuesday. Then he took their photos (!!) and left. I still wonder what the BBC made of the phone call they inevitably got the following week, and what the woman and her mother must have thought as it slowly dawned on them what had happened...

Actually, thinking about it, that is pretty evil....
(Thu 20th Dec 2007, 11:58, More)

» Celebrities part II

Dr Legg
Many years ago I knew two extremely rough old dykes by the name of Diane and Pauline. Pauline looked like an emaciated 14 year old boy. Diane looked like Taggart. They used to stagger round Walthamstow pissed as farts and get into fights with random strangers. In short, I knew them only vaguely and was thankful for it. There is only one reason while I still think of them with anything approaching fondness (and, truthfully, it's more fascinated horror than fondness...)

They were on a train to Brighton one day when who should enter the carriage but EastEnder's erstwhile GP, Dr Harold Legg (respected thespian Leonard Fenton). He sat down opposite Diane and Pauline, who by this stage were steaming on Tennants Super. Diane retold the story thus: "'Ere," I said to Paul, "It's Dr Legg! Oi, Dr Legg! How you doing, Dr Legg? Alright? Eh? Eh, Dr Legg?" I can only imagine this elderly gentleman's dawning horror as the hour-long train journey in the company of these two pissed up, mouthy lesbians stretched ahead of him. So, apparently, he ignored them. Big mistake. Diane got offended. "Oi! Dr Legg! What, you're too good to speak to us then, eh? Well, Fuck you! Fuck you, Dr Legg!" It continued in this vein until by all accounts the poor man made his exit from the carriage, followed by Diane, screaming the legend that we still repeat to this day: "OI! DOCTOR LEGG! YOU CUUUUUUUUNNNNNTTTTT!!!"

Can't help it. Still cracks me up...
(Fri 9th Oct 2009, 23:00, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Antipodean soap-based innuendo...
Not convinced this was exactly accidental but...

A few years ago now, watching 'Home and Away'. One of the older characters has fallen over and hit her head. After a few moments contributing to another subplot, the Doctor turns to her and utters the immortal line, "Now, I'll just have a look at that nasty gash of yours, Irene, and you can be on your way..."

I don't think we stopped laughing til 'Neighbours', half an hour later...
(Sat 14th Jun 2008, 17:28, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

Not so much supernatural as coincidental...
Number one: sitting getting stoned in my front room quite a few years ago, in the days before DVD players; we had an old VCR that, when the tape had been paused for a while, would click off and the channel that the recorder was set to would then appear on the TV. This happened. I looked up. To see my Dad staring straight out at me from the screen. My Dad who lived 5,000 miles away in Cape Town and whom I hadn't seen in three years...

Turns out a friend of my parent's had been given a Video Camera as part of the BBC's 'Video Nation' project, and had decided to film her arrival in South Africa (where my parents were meeting her at the airport). They were only on screen for a few seconds, and if the video had not clicked off at that precise time, and on that precise channel, I would not have sat there for about seven hours going 'Whooooah...' to myself over and over again...

Number two: a friend of mine was at her friend's house (someone I have never met), consoling him after his Mum had died. He was going through some old photos and showed her one from a few year's previously, at a restaurant in Bath (where he's from) where his family had celebrated his Mum's birthday. My friend looked sympathetically at it for a few moments, before shrieking 'Fuck! I know them!' and pointed to me and my boyfriend, who were randomly sitting in the background enjoying a meal. I have only ever spent one day of my life in Bath, and this just happened to be a moment from this day. I really wanted to see it, but she said she 'didn't feel it was appropriate' to ask him for a picture of his dead Mum. Wus.
(Fri 4th Jul 2008, 18:03, More)