» Stalked

The plus side
Thus far we seem to be concentrating on the negative side of the whole stalking thing.

It does have its upside.

You can get your stalker to do all sorts of boring daily tasks that you may not want to do.

I have mine clean my house and car on a regular basis.

OK the odd pair of pants go missing when she steals them to rub over her face whilst doing the KitKat shuffle, but its a small price to pay.

Your stalker can also be relied upon for shopping trips, off licence runs and picking you up at ridiculous times of the morning blind drunk from random pubs/clubs/parties.

Just remember folks, your stalker's not just there for the nasty times in life.
(Sat 2nd Feb 2008, 22:24, More)

» Blood

Many moons ago
When I was about 154 in cat years, possibly my 154th birthday weekend coming to think of it, I awoke at a friends house covered in blood naked with a similarly naked young lady with me.

As you do the first thing you do is make sure she's breathing.

Excellent, that's OK, and she's not got any obvious wounds (insert your own joke here).

Anyhoo - it is at this point I finally think "if it's not her then.."

Check the old boy and he's OK, big relief there.

Then i see this glistening, shiny, sparkling thing on the floor. I am transfixed, like Gollum staring at his precious. It is a ring, a silver ring.

i reach down and pick it up. I recognise the ring. It is mine.

Attached to it is half of my left nipple.

At this point I vomit.

All over naked young lady.

She is not impressed.

She never speaks to me again.

I still have a rather fetching scar as a reminder of that morning.

Fortunately, I do not remember the evening preceding it.

Cider rocks.
(Thu 7th Aug 2008, 19:44, More)

» Conspiracy theory nutters

Cancer is a good cure for racism
It worked for Jade Goody.
(Wed 2nd Sep 2009, 13:01, More)

» Stuff I've found

Jehovahs witnesses
I found on the weekend that they don't like the following questions.

1. So, on what day of the week did God create the dinosaurs?
2. The truth you say. What physical evidence do you have that your bible is in fact "the truth"?
3. Is says in the bible that Lot's wife was changed into a pillar of salt. Could you please explain the chemical processes that she went through as I don't believe it is physically and chemically possible?
4. As only 144,000 can get into heaven, wouldn't converting me, a top salesman, make it less likely statistically that you will enter heaven?
5. Why do you wear those leather gloves?
6. Would you mind if I shat out of the upstairs window while you wait here underneath?

Please feel free to add a few suggestions for me to try..
(Thu 6th Nov 2008, 18:02, More)

» My most treasured possession

My pink panther theme tune CD
So there he is the pink panther
The rinky-dink panther
Have you ever seen a panther so pink
He really is a groovy cat
He's a gentleman
A scholar
He's an
Acrobat
So there he is the pink panther
The rinky-dink panther
and it's as plain as your nose
Hes the one and only truly original
panther pink panther
from head to toe
give it to me one more time
Cha

(Jazz hands to finish)
(Thu 8th May 2008, 22:04, More)