» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Urban legend
You have been warned - it's a story a mate told me many years ago - apols if anyone got there before me.

This story concerns our beloved monarch Liz Eye Eye (as we refer to her round these parts). As you may know, what with all the official visiting she does and the international incidents which might be precipitated by Queenie having to receive foreign dignitaries weeping and with pants full of regal poo prior to posting her own reminisences on these pages (you KNOW the Queen's a b3tan), it is necessary to ensure that a crapper is set aside for her personal use on all such engagements.

On this occasion, she was inspecting one of her battleships and the "mate of a mate" who starred in this story was working there at the time / sodomising his colleagues / wanking onto biscuits (delete as appropriate). He got truly lucky when he was "ass"igned to prepare / polish HRH's crapper. Sensing an op"poo"rtunity, he cunningly put the following plan into action:

1) Unscrew pipe behind bog
2) Insert ladies stocking* so as to catch any solid matter which passed through pipe.
3) Replace

If you give any credence to this tale at all, you'll be glad to know he scored a brown fish, which he subsequently dried, varnished, mounted and popped on his mantlepiece as a truly unique memento of the royal visit.

Apologies for likely high bullshit factor of this post - but please don't let that stop you clicking.


*I'd normally be curious as to why a man working far from land and presumably in an almost completely all-male environment possessed such an item. But he was a sailor - mystery solved.
(Wed 2nd Apr 2008, 12:44, More)

» Will you go out with me?

I climbed up the ivy to her bedroom window, swung myself in...
...and dropped a bunch of roofies into her drink. Hiding in the wardrobe for long enough to watch her imbibe the lot, I then led her to my car and stuck it up her without a condom. Once she was pregnant it was as simple as explaining that if she wouldn't be my girlfriend I'd remove, kill and eat her unborn foetus. Simple as that, really.
(Tue 2nd Sep 2008, 15:42, More)

» I witnessed a crime

It never ends...
Aside from the usual recreational drug-related / other petty crimes that everyone's seen, I've had a lot of luck - bad that it happened, good that I was never directly involved or affected - with various places I've lived. In brief:
- As a student I was in my second floor flat revising for an exam the next day when I heard a commotion. I went out of the door and was about to start shouting when my flatmate called me back in to point out that the building had been completely surrounded by armed police. An armed robber had taken refuge in the ground floor flat and subsequently taken the occupants hostage. The exam? Crime and Punishment.

- Much later I lived on the Green Lanes in London, a very predominantly Turkish area. This is a huge road and the particular bit where we were was the Kurdish section - and could be a bit of a flash point. One night we're in the flat waiting for our dinner party guests and idly noticed that the Turkish mens club right opposite seemed to be having a party on. A few minutes later - commotion - we look out of the window to see a FULL SCALE RIOT in progress complete with about 100 geezers in masks and armed to the teeth. Turns out some general from the Tukish - Kurdish wars was in the club when someone from the other side burst in and tried to shoot him - some other guy ended up dead and the riot happened to allow the assassin to escape. We had a late dinner party as everyone had to get through the police cordon, then had a mobile nick parked outside the house for weeks, not that they ever looked at us as we were the only people in the vicinity to be not even slightly Turkish looking.

- In my current flat, I went for a pee (the bathroom is at the back) one night. Spotted someone standing in the darkness. Wondered why there seemed to be all these lights rigged up (pointing at the house meaning the guy down there was even more difficult to see). Wondered what the furious movements he was doing around the crotch area were all about. Suddenly realised he was furiously wanking; wished I had an air rifle to hand; called the police. A few weeks later my missus came screaming out of the bathroom first thing in the morning saying someone was pointing a video camera into the window - this time the police were a lot faster and we haven't had any trouble since.

- Closest one: we came back from an evening of beer and turned onto our street just in time to spot someone getting into our car. I went over and had him shitting himself (fortunately not literally) by knocking on the window and loudly insisting he get the fuck out of my car and fuck off pronto. I wasn't at all bothered about calling the police - just wanted him the fuck out of there - but when my missus realised what was happening she went ballistic and started screaming at him and calling them. when he ran for it I got out of the way when suddenly she started making after him (still on the phone to the old bill) and chased him down into the nearby council estate. Fortunately I followed because for a moment the guy got his balls back and turned on my missus; she realised the error of her ways and I managed to get in between them just before he caught her. Fortunately for him he thought better of tackling me and we ended up in the back of the police car looking for the bastard. We never found him but I reckon this is for the best, and my missus has now learnt her lesson.

All the above is 100& true and unembellished!

Length - he's lucky he never found out, I'd have clubbed him unconscious with it.
(Tue 19th Feb 2008, 15:34, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

I...
...vigourously porked an attractive young lady with mine before whipping it out and adorning her face, hair and breasts with generous dollops of my mans mayonnaise. Made all the better for the fact that she was a Gooner.

Wait a second, it's MOST ashamed... DOH!

(actually I know you're all secretly thrilled, utter and almost immediate filth you didn't need to read through ten minutes worth of rubbish build up to get to. Which ironically is in many ways similar to the experience I gave to the aforementioned Arsenal supporter, though you lot can be thankful your faces are less sticky than hers, unless you have got all worked up by the rest of these stories)
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 17:13, More)

» Sexual fetishes

Readers of Bizarre magazine...
... may be aware of one of the set questions in their regular celebrity interview. I quote: "If you had to do one of the three, would you indulge in necrophilia, bestiality or coprophilia?"

I was musing this myself, and decided I'd fuck the shit of a dead horse.

I wouldn't fuck the shit of a dead foal though, that'd just be wrong...

(and if you think that's disgusting, you'd foul yourself from every orifice in horror if I told you what I'm really into... I make Max Hardcore look like Max Bygraves)
(Fri 23rd Oct 2009, 12:10, More)