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Profile for polished turd:
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i'm not here.

Recent front page messages:

beneath, you say?

(Wed 12th Sep 2012, 23:35, More)

thanks guys! you broke my cherry! :D

(Mon 21st Mar 2011, 5:04, More)

Best answers to questions:

» I witnessed a crime

i missed it...
one night a few months ago, directly across the road, someone's car got torched. not just burnt out, but it exploded, setting off house and car alarms, including my own which is parked directly under my bedroom window.
these details were filled in by my neighbour the next morning as i slept through the whole thing.
i used to joke about being able to sleep through a bomb going off. it is no longer a joke.
(Sat 16th Feb 2008, 10:07, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

what's my name?
guess what i was suffering from when i joined up...

anyway, when my youngest was about six weeks old he was a little constipated. after half an hour of straining and going beetroot, i changed his nappy to find it empty. on closer inspection i found he had a lump of poo stuck halfway out of his bumhole. with a little manipulation i helped him get unstuck. have you seen a sausage machine in operation? well, that's what it resembled...only i had to catch a greenish-brown sausage in the nappy, and coiled it up like the world's grossest walnut whip. stretched out it must have been nearly a foot long.
he then let out a huge sigh and fell asleep.
(Fri 28th Mar 2008, 22:40, More)

» Trouble

i once posted a picture on /board that was 108KB
i'm a bad person.
(Tue 8th Sep 2015, 14:48, More)

» Inflated Self-Importance

jumped up shit-wank forum moderators of another website
it's supposed to be a local forum for local people, but it is owned by a businessman in exeter (which is almost as far from yorkshire as you can be).

as soon as you get close to breaching their 'terms and conditions' (which are exhaustive, to say the least) the mods instantly slap you with their 'ooh, get me, tremble at my power' ban-hammer.

apparently, i can't call half of the local populace 'retards...thickwits...and 3-watts' (and they really are) because it is 'potentially abusive, offensive or inappropriate language'. i didn't mention any names, i didn't swear and i wasn't offensive.
i did use the word 'masturbate' once, glad i didn't use 'wank' though. that might have damaged mr exeter's advertising revenue...

you can put in a 'support ticket' if you want, but you might as well write on an albatross with a sharpie. i'm still waiting for a reply after 2 hours.
i have reminded them to put a stamp on the envelope ;)
(Fri 25th Jan 2013, 11:31, More)

» Karma

karma taught, i listened
when i was about 18 or so, i was a CB radio fan (CB radio = IRC with your actual voice), and a bit of an opportunistic tea-leaf.

where i lived at the time, there was a semi-derelict building a couple of streets away with a large radio antenna attached to it, prolly from a taxi company or something like. much larger than the one i had at the time. so, one night i went there with the intention of ripping it off that wall, and bolting it onto my wall.

i fell at the first hurdle. i climbed over a six-foot fence, but as it was dark (and i was dumb enough not to take a torch) i didn't notice the twelve foot drop on the other side. i was lucky not to break any bones or land on something pointy.
i had a huge scrape of skin missing down my leg and various other cuts and bruises, and climbing out of that dark hole hurt like hell and took what felt like an hour.
since then, the only thing i will steal is time. i.e., the foreman has gone home early, let's wrap up and fuck off.
(Sat 23rd Feb 2008, 3:18, More)
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