» Cringe!

Beer compass
When I was at university I went to Durham for a schoolmate's 21st. We started drinking when the pubs opened, and continued until they closed. Now at some time in the evening I really needed the loo so before I went I checked with my mates which bar they were going to next.

Once I'd been to the loo, they'd already left so I stumbled out into the street, looking for the fourth door on the left. Now maybe due to the copious quantity of booze we'd been enjoying, my usually reliable mathematical skills let me down somewhat. I knew that the door of this bar would be shut at this time (it was freezing cold outside), so I got to the door and pushed it open. I didn't realise that this might not have had music or cigarette smoke or anything you'd have associated with a bar at that time until I'd walked into a family's front room. Aware that this was not my intended destination, and not being such a huge fan of Family Fortunes as they obviously were, I made my excuses and left sharpish.
(Sun 30th Nov 2008, 18:59, More)

» Advice from Old People


When I was a kid my parents told me never to pick spots because if I did they'd turn into a pig's foot. Now I wasn't young enough to believe they would actually turn into a porcine trotter, so assumed that it was some kind of hilarious metaphor I didn't understand, much like the rude jokes I watched on the Two Ronnies that I later grew up to realise weren't funny. But no, they really meant a pig's foot, and for years I couldn't understand why they were threatening me with something that was clearly impossible.

Now 30, and no pig's feet! (although I do derive a perverse pleasure from picking the few spots I still get)
(Sun 22nd Jun 2008, 2:09, More)