» Helicopter Parents

RIP - My old man
I'm not sure why I'm telling the internet this, but here goes.

My old man was a copper, a bent one. Not bent as in gay, bent as in he would turn a blind eye to this and that for the right price. Not only that, but he was a double hard bastard with a short temper.

Anyway, back to the story...

When I was a kid, I was in with a bad crowd of nasty punks, I'm ashamed to admit that I was no stranger to massive doses of illegal drugs and huge illicit sex parties. Looking back I was a disgusting little shit, I'm not sure how I wasn't able to understand the reactions of other people, maybe I've got Aspergers.

Anyway

Once some mates and I were daring each other to steal cars from the local Honda dealership, being the coolest and most daring of the group I was the designated driver. Nobody tells you this at school but it's dead easy to twock a car, just stick a screwdriver in the ignition, works just like a key.
I take a nice dab of speed to get me going, this was my first mistake and start my getaway in the stolen car.

Guess who should be driving by at the same moment? Yup, my old man, the dogy copper giving a lift to some fit as fuck prostitutes (none were my mum just so you know)

A dramatic car chase followed around Hyde, or so I hoped, it wasn't to be - They don't exactly fill the tanks up on those showcars and soon I had come to a halt.

I was so high and fucked on massive drugs that I thought I'd leg it. This was my second mistake. My old man drove his car THROUGH my car and pinned me to the wall with a police car and a Honda Accord, breaking both my legs.

With the bones literally poking out of my jeans we fought a bitter battle. All the years of this bastard ruining my life by not letting me get tattoos and piercings poured out as I beat my old man's face agianst the pavement.

Lucky for me he was a proper bent copper, becuase once the emergency services had arrived they let me off becuase I'd killed such a total cunt.

Guess who had to drive the tarts back to the station ;) legs were proper sore afterwards.

Cheers.
(Tue 15th Sep 2009, 14:43, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Bolton
A friend of mine walked into a Gregs in Bolton and asked if they had any vegetarian pasties.

The fish-wife behind the counter looked at him like he'd shat on the floor before saying:

'CHICKIN UN MUSHRUUM'
(Thu 29th Oct 2009, 12:27, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Before Man Existed
Is a game me and my brother have played all our lives.

The game can be played anywhere at any time. The game is initiated by somone picking up a wooden or stone object, not metal and proclaiming

'Before man existed' and then starts clubbing the other person with the object. The only rules are that you can only target joints and bones, not soft flesh and must continue a running monologue in the style of a Natural History presenter about how the apes would beat their openents bones with simple weapons throughout the beating.

I am 25, he is 20. We play it everytime we see each other.
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 16:21, More)

» Call Centres

I HAVE A HILARIOUS WAY OF GETTING RID OF COLD CALLERS
COLD CALLER: GOOD MORNING SIR CAN I INTEREST YOU IN THIS PRODUCT
ME: NO THANK YOU, GOODBYE

SHOWS THEM EVERY TIME AHAHAHAHAA
(Tue 8th Sep 2009, 13:42, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

The Cock of ignorance

(Thu 25th Mar 2010, 10:56, More)