» Surprise!

Suprise reaction!
I have 2 sons, when the youngest was a baby, I thought I would play a trick on his brother.

Getting a clean nappy, and putting some (if memory serves me correctly) nuttella into it, I walked into the front room asking my wife (who was in on it) what she had given the baby for lunch. She said I do not remember, work it out for yourself....

So sticking a finger into the nappy and having a taste, I was about to declare the result when my older son retched and puked so violently it now reminds me of the WI woman on Little Britain.... it was loud and continuous.

The 'suprise' was on us, we were expecting an 'ew dad, that was gross', not something resembling the Exorcist! We were genuinely worried that he would turn himself inside out!

tl;dr Young children can be incredibly sick when you pretend to eat baby shit!
(Sat 6th Apr 2013, 9:03, More)

» It's Not What It Looks Like!

Not loving it!!
This may sound very contrived, but this really happened and I still cringe about it with the people concerned about a decade later!!

Many moons ago I worked as a delivery driver for a sandwich shop in Lincoln and one day I was asked to pick up the daughter of the owner from nursery, take her to MacDonalds and take her home to watch a dvd (101 Dalmations) until her mother came home.

Having taken her to MacDonalds, and managed to get her name wrong on a couple of occasions (to which she replied, 'thats not my name' very loudly) she then asked at the top of her voice "I am bored, can we go and see the puppies now?"

The atmosphere changed very rapidly, and I imagine I went a very nice share of red!!

For those of you in MacDonalds at the time, it certainly wasn't what it looked like!!!
(Fri 10th Dec 2010, 8:48, More)

» Made me laugh

Whoops!
Remembering this story is making me grin like a chimp again!

My wife was bending down sorting out some laundry when my 8 year old son decided to walk past and pretend to fart in her face... for a bit of a laugh.

What actually happened is that he lifted his leg and let off the loudest fart I think I have ever heard.... I am sure that birds on the other side of the planet scattered.... now I have to say that time seemed to stand still, as the realisation of what he had just done dawned on the guilty party and the recipient... I mean, really stood still.... I felt like I was going to have a stroke as I tried to keep the laugh in... tears rolling down my face... my son was stood there like a deer in headlights (sheer terror on his face) and my wife had the sort of face that could only be described as 'psychotic'.

Still nobody had moved.... my son then cleared the stairs (I think in one leap) my wife in hot pursuit, leaving me to laugh hysterically... when my wife returned downstairs I had to put on the straight face again (very hard - I do think snot bubbles were caused in the attempt) and I think I found this hysterically funny for at least a week afterwards, just closing my eyes and visualising the two faces, captured in time.... I am struggling to type this (apologies for length, but I am typing between guffaws!)
(Fri 7th Dec 2012, 12:48, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome II

Dig deeper
I work in quite an upmarket furniture store, and as such the majority of our customers are in their 60s/70s, however they do seem to have morphed into clones of each other, same hair, similar clothing.....

I had a regular customer in earlier this year, and I told her "your husband was in last week", to which she replied, "my husband died last year"..... now every ounce of common sense would have caused the next words to leave my mouth to be "sorry to hear that".... what actually left my mouth was "no, it was definitely him"

So, monster munch, it is possible to dig a hole even deeper!!!
(Fri 17th Aug 2012, 9:15, More)

» I Hurt My Rude Bits, Again

Buster Gonad
Apologies for the pea, but vaguely relevant!

After polluting the gene pool with 4 children I decided to have the snip, all went well....

very pleasant experience, very jovial doctor - typical b3tan sense of humour, I actually spent the time joking away watching You Tube clips (this was just after the Cadburys Gorilla advert came out, and laid watching this clip - was hoping and praying the doctor didnt air drum with his scalpel!!)

After this, caught the bus home, every single pothole... lots of pain!!

To cut a long story thankfully short, my left bollock decided to swel up to the size of a tennis ball, which is all very well in the lunchbox department unless you are 6'4 and sell luxury furniture for a living.. my height meant my bollocks were just above dining table height, so when stood talking to a customer it looked like I had laid them on the table ready for carving!

This also meant that I had the tendency to catch them on table corners quite regularly.. which in the showroom I work in meant a very polite smile, then a walk to the toilet to bite the doorframe as the excruciating pain subsided.....
(Sat 9th Mar 2013, 21:58, More)