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Miss Boozehound is a useless lump of non-graphic, non-whizzybang computery lizard shit. My lot in life is to envy those with graphic, whizzbang computery abilities.

My boozehound super power allows me to find that hidden stash of dribbly bits in the bottom of the bottle tucked away in the back corner, under your bed and in your nanna's handbag. I am your worst nightmare at a dinner party, your favourite wet dream in the desert.

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» The Police II

Coulda gone to jail for my dog a couple of years ago.
Anyway, so the neighbour who badly neglected his dog got pissed with me for taking the dog when I moved interstate. Pissed enough to press charges, for which 'Theft of a Domestic Animal' is a warrantable offense. Thought about going to jail if I didn't answer the charges, but instead I fronted up, put my case and won. Great that I won, sad I can't put dognapper on my CV.

Still got the summons on my fridge, but my dog died happy and loved a year ago.
(Fri 6th May 2011, 11:14, More)

» House Guests

Projectile vomits
At 15 I went for a sleepover to my mates place where we were going to the cinema. After eating a huge chicken roast dinner, we then retired to her room to drink warm vodka orange with warm sprite that she had stolen off her older sister. Drinking quietly, we thought that eating a big bag of yellowy, twisty things would cover the smell, which it must have as her mum didn't say anything when dropping us off.

This was my first time drinking and it scarred me. The movie was Beetlejuice and during the opening credits I passed out. My mate poked me awake, at which point I looked at her in a wide owly eye look, turned my head and projectile vomited over at least three rows in the cinema.

Screaming ensued. Hot chicken chunks with roast spud were flying out of my mouth like bullets out of an AK 47 hitting random targets without prejudice. I stood up, still vomiting down the stairs and made my way to the loos. I was head to toe with yellowly twisty thing, soaking wet with vodka orange and puking like a unicorn farting never ending love hearts. Girls were in the loo trying to remove hot chicken chunks from their hair, down the back of their shirts, out of their handbags, all the while trying to expunge the memory from their souls with the cheap paper towel of a cinema loo.

In the meantime the movie was stopped and they had to move everyone to any empty seat in the cinema as those rows stunk so bad and there were bucketfuls of vomit everywhere, a la Carrie (yeah, not blood, but I like the imagery).

The point of being a bad house guest is that I puked in her mum's car on the way home - several times. I remember lying in her spare room, cracking the venetians with shaky hands and looking at her mum with a hose, standing 2 metres out from her lovely surburban car and, with her hand over her mouth, hosing out that car like it was an enema party in a colonic farm.

Of course there were friends from high school sitting in the rows behind me, untouched by the demonic firehose spray of chunder, and the next day, as well as the rest of high school, I was known as "that spew girl".
(Sun 9th Jan 2011, 10:16, More)

» Narrow Escapes

Peeing in public always saves you
My new job working in the desert and my boss was a few roos short of the top paddock. She asked me to take some people back home to a community, telling me it was only two hours away. No worries, 10am, will be back in time for the manager's going away party.

Two hours turns into 4hrs each way, because my boss had no clue. Unfamiliar dirt roads and only one roadhouse and one farmhouse in between the drive. On the way home I rolled the Troop Carrier. On a dirt road. In the middle of nowhere.

I had no satellite phone, because my boss was a wanker, no matches (soon took up smoking again just to have a lighter around) and no idea what to do. It was the middle of winter and the desert drops down to minus at night, so I was more worried about the cold, having escaped any injury after flipping the Troopie.

I was saved! After half an hour of sitting there I walked out to the centre of the dirt road, tugged the strides down and did the longest pee I was capable of. As I crabbed crawled around the road to stop the pee flooding around my boots (as a woman, even in life threatening moments one does worry about the smallest details), in the distance I saw a dust cloud coming at me. Yes, the moment I peed in public a car came along. One of those typical movie moments where I had to sit in the back of a ute with animals, food and god knows what, but I was saved!

If you are the top of a mountain, on a desert road or in space, pee in public and someone will always come along.
(Sat 21st Aug 2010, 10:14, More)

» Beautiful Moments, Part Two

Why I joined the B3ta community after months of perusing
In June I read about the Prof and Jess. I had never come across a web community before who really, really cared about its members and friends. This was something I wanted to be part of, even though I live in Australia. Without being flippant, I just wanted to say that an awful tragedy can affect others to do positive things. A moment to witness how people grieve together for the good souls made me realise the good and beautiful things in life. May those people continue to inspire others.

(I hope this is not taken the wrong way and by no means is it my business to comment on other people's loss. May the Prof and family have some peace, love and light).
(Mon 9th Aug 2010, 8:53, More)

» Crappy relationships

The break up orgasm
At 18 years old, I had moved out of home and had my first boyfriend. Three months in and I thought things were going fine. One summery, late afternoon we are having (what I thought was) a great shag.

Chris Brown - stroke in - "Um, I really enjoy this with you"
Me - stroke out - "Yeah, baby, loving it"
Chris Brown - stroke in - "I need to tell you something"
Me - stroke out - "AAAAH, bout to 'splode"
Chris Brown - stroke in, stroke out, stroke in - "I am definitely in love with my ex and can't do this anymore"
Me - with ankles around the neck and wrinkly eyebrows clashing badly with an O face - "???".

Chris Brown, the music died that day.
(Fri 22nd Oct 2010, 10:58, More)
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